I can really relate to what you are saying about H not fighting for us. It really is so unlike him.
I felt like you were saying the exact ideas that are in my mind. I really feel that I will be ok without him.....but still hoping for his return one day...whole and in a different more proactive state of mind.
Sounds like you are in such a good place. I am so happy to see this. I wanted to stop by ur blog and just see how you were...for the past 7 days, I have been very self consumed. Also, I wanted to say thank you again for supporting me this past week esp.
I am worried but otherwise in a very good PMA. I wish you a great weekend.
There have been a few young women to come along on this board that stir up something in my heart. I automatically feel a connection and a "tenderness" (if you will) toward them. I can assure you that I do not talk to everyone kind all the time....and can be tough when I have to. But, you are one of those who do make me feel like I would toward a daughter and I want very much to see you taking steps in a positive way. I think you are doing that very thing and I will say if I am concerned that you are doing anything that isn't good for you. You have been very sweet in accepting my suggestions.
I think as a woman, most of us want to secretly see how men "fight" for us. Must be something from long ago, I don't know, but in spite of Women's Lib and all of that.....we seem to still have that desire. Especially when the H is a WAS. But, as I have said, I believe he could no longer deal with the stress and chose to run away. He knew he could not deal with it like a man and instead of facing you seeing "that" weakness in him.....I will always believe he chose to run off into the sunset. I'm afraid that he's disillusioned himself and will wake up one day to discover what a lasting mistake he made! Anyway, please don't think that it was b/c you were not worth the fight! It was him and has always been him since the day he chose this path. One person cannot make the "complete" couple. No matter what a great & wonderful lady you are, it could not make up for what he was personally lacking as a man and facing his situtation. I think he tried to convince himself he was "done" and ready to seek a different life. In the end, he will be sorry, but by then.....you will have a new life and will be at peace. I know you aren't out for revenge or anything like that. I know in your heart of hearts, you really don't want him to be unhappy and miserable for the rest of his life. That is b/c of "who" you are........and hopefully, you will never change from being that person.
I always feel after a certain point that I begin repeating myself, so just over-look me if I do that. I know that you are going to be fine but you have to get through this terrible process and allow time to heal.
I hope you will continue to post and to reach out to others on their threads. I believe you could be helpful to others.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I read earlier some good stuff that you posted to aliveandkicking. It was so good, that I posted it on my thread too! It's a good thing too that sandi is talking with you...what a blessing! You are helping others by being here...although I'm sorry that you're here for the reasons that you are! Do the best you can to be strong, and remain dignified...regardless. I'll have some good thoughts for you.
antlers
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Sunday evening often brings the blues. Combination of return to reality of the grind (work week approaching) and a certain je ne sais quoi, combination of regret or longing, like if I had just one more day off I would...
Anyway, lots of recent GAL for this traveldane. It’s been good on many fronts-keeping busy, getting out of circle of doom mindset, edging self in the moving forward, seeking balance in life direction.
Still feels like walking the PMA tight rope much of the time...putting one foot in front of the other and realizing that progress towards some semblance of emotional stability is being made, a feat in itself unthinkable just weeks ago. Yet even the vague realization that it might be happening is enough to cause those steps to waver, DON'T LOOK DOWN, DON'T LOOK DOWN...aware at all times how easy it would be to fall right back into the pit of sad, mad, forlorn, left-behind-icky ness that swirls not so far beneath.
The Chill between WAH and I is appropriately in effect, and overall I feel better for it.
Went to happy hour with some friends from work. Braved a baby shower for a good friend, and it actually ended up being enjoyable. Mostly it was good to force myself to do something that, while bordering upon near too sensitive right now, was important life event for someone I care about and was glad that I could not only tolerate but genuinely take part in happiness for what she is experiencing. Good to get out of my own head and problems.
Went exploring a bit it new city; reminded me of when I used to travel for my old job and got a lot of pleasure and confidence from hitting the streets of a new place, surrounded by new language, etc. and navigated it all solo. Picked up a schedule for yoga classes, purchased a bike lock, collected take out menus from various ethnic eateries, got self a library card and checked out a book intended for participation in friend of a friend's book club.
And...had coffee with Tall Guy, who apparently was not deterred by the discombobulated scene I made getting into the elevator most recently. It was...nice, I guess. Still at a loss for how to address and deal with my current status, and fortunately things at the table remained casual and friendly enough that I didn't feel it was necessary or appropriate to bring it up. All in all it was nice to meet someone new in this here new town, and to have a conversation that did not, would not, involve the tired topic of the sad sad events that have populated my life over this past year. We sipped, strolled around in the nice weather a bit.
While all very benign and casual by my own analysis, and verified as such by two single friends who are clearly more on the up and up with such matters than moi, the experience also verified just how mixed up and broken this TD is. The entire time, girlfriend could not help but thinking, Tall Guy is very serious. How to relate?
Humor was a doubled edged sword in marriage, as H.'s wit and ability to set everyone around him at ease with a cleaver joke or engaging story warmed my heart and drew me in, consistently. It was the yin to my introverted, prone to intellectualizing yang...he could make me laugh despite myself and everything else, most of the time. While it was one of the things I loved most about H, there reached a point where I realized that H. also used humor to deflect and diffuse when situations and feelings became too intense (first thread posting details the degree to which these situations pushed us to a place where little was funny much of the past year). So there were of course times when I longed for him to take me seriously and be able to stop with the one man stand up show. But now of course, I miss it, and in daily situations I find myself still wishing I could just call him up and laugh, re-hashing the events of a day in the way that only "We" would.
Along the same lines, find myself enjoying things and thinking, Oh I want to tell him about this, share this with him, he'd love this place..etc. Maddening to realize how many times thoughts of H. continue to pop into my head. This time, right now, is supposed to be about me! "Us" is finito for today, that much has been made clear, so fine! Until I could care less or we reconcile, I am cool to put this all aside and return to the life of the living. If we can't save our marriage today, then please, let me save myself...Get out of my head, you robber of my heart, my sanity (temporarily) and at this point, my much needed to be insulated thoughts!
Except that...in some ways...I think... I like having you there. The kicker. Whamp, Whamp, Whaaaaaaaaaaamp.
So yeah. Workin it out here, best as I can.
Last edited by traveldane; 06/29/0912:38 AM.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Maddening to realize how many times thoughts of H. continue to pop into my head. This time, right now, is supposed to be about me!
I can almost see you getting upset with yourself when those stray thoughts of H hit your brain. It is very normal. I have talked to several people whose spouse had died and they would catch themselves having the very same thoughts and then they would realize that their S was never coming back. It is sad but such a part of you b/c you lived with this man for a decade and your brain will not shut down what seems to be a "habit" of including him in your thoughts. By "habit" I mean that M people do form that natural habit of including their S in everyday thoughts.
As for "Tall Guy" and what to say at the appropriate time....I would say to let things fall into place naturally. If you hit him too direct in letting him know you are not prepared for anything serious right now, he may think, "But I was just asking you to go for coffee....not live together!" So, you don't need to lay it all out there too quickly, and wait to see if he asks you out. If he does, then accept...if you want to and when you are out together the subject will probably come up in the conversation. However, as I said before, you don't want to discuss everything you've been through on the first date. If you have an opportunity, you can tell him you are coming out of a M and that you have to have some time to heal over that before thinking of another R. Just be careful how much you say, b/c he may not be looking for anything serious either. The fact that a couple goes out doesn't mean a future together. Try to relax and have a good time.
I don't envy you. I would hate to know I had to enter the dating scene again!
I'm so glad that you took that brave step to go to the baby shower. You are taking other big steps also and I do believe it is in a positive direction. Personally, I think you have done a wonderful job in a short time.
Keep checking in to tell us how things are going.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think I also feel a bit...I don't know...weirdly disloyal? Just because H. walked away from our marriage, I feel almost badly about this "moving forward" thing. My head knows it needs to happen in order to accept what is, right now, and also because without moving forward without H. I'm not really giving him the space he so clearly wants. But my heart is mad at the head, almost like...hey, what are you quitting? Is that what you do, you quit on the person you love(d)? Just because they are acting a certain way doesn't mean you do....and on and on and on.
You are right...no need to discuss any details of the sitch with Tall Guy. Just feel a little awkward about it is all...but then, who knows what he, or anyone, has going on in their past, right? Yikes, I don't want to think about that.
Anyway, thanks again so much for looking after me. Will update you. XXOO TD
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
You make me think of a little of what my mother went through when my dad passed away. When others would mention her going out with a man for dinner or something like that.....she would be highly insulted! She kept talking to me about how upsetting it was to her. I finally realized what it was and I told her that she still "felt married" to my dad and it was as if people were suggesting that she be unfaithful. She looked so pitiful for a minute and then said, "yes, I think you're right". I felt sad for her b/c the reality of him not coming back hit.....again.
You will be "hit" several times by the reality of your H not coming back, but you "must" move forward and not feel guilty. I know that you know it's true. These old emotions are bad company at times, aren't they? I'm so glad that you are coming here to discuss how you feel and don't try to feel that you must be a mountain of strength whenever you post. That is one of the reasons for this board. We are all here to help each other.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
today I was hit...by that reality. I was at work at new job, surrounded by new people, and suddenly was struck by how different my life has become in such a short period of time...and how WAH and I are becoming more and more of strangers to each other.
Maybe its crazy, maybe its part of the process, but while I can truly accept and possibly even welcome things as they are now...when I am faced with letting go of all hope of even the possibility of rebuilding our R., well, I feel...hopeless.
Maybe I won't always feel this way. But right now, I do. I wonder how he is, what he is feeling, if he still eats pretzels dipped in yellow mustard for a snack while standing at the counter. I wonder if he wonders about me and am sad to think, probably not.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
maybe its the ongoing string of rainy weather here in NE...or maybe justthe sitch getting to me. Denfinetly woke up today with..not the panic, not the anger, not the forlorn feeling...but, a sadness.
@smiley person's recent experience with The Note reminding of an all too similar note received by me on the double helix day of move out/separation and, what would have been our 5th anniversary.
I woke up pondering those written words "...if someone had told me 5 years ago that we would be where we are today I never would have believed them. We have been such a part of each others' lives for many years, so many good times. I truly want whats best for both of us, and hope you are well". At the time the note was received I had not begun DBing. I was in major re-act mode. I was livid about this note, and told H. so. Told him he acted like this was just something that happened to us, that his actions and choices were what was making this happen...was furious and ranted in a very unattractive way.
While we have had many conversations and interactions since the separation, the note, and all the rest, I still find myself haunted by those words. Did he clearly let go completely a long time ago? So hard not to play the mind reading game.
Anyway, got lots on the to do list today. But not really feeling it. Impending holiday, combined with my b-day, was always a special event with that particualr person and despite my best acceptance of what is right now...I just would like it to be over with.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
to add to my funk today, just got email from SIL, asking to give her a call sometime. Hmmm. H's family has been somewhat stand offish towards me recently...I think H was getting lots of flack from them and may have freaked out and called them all disloyal.
wonder what this is all about. instincts say to mail back nicely and cheerfully and say would love to catch up sometime (non-specific) but avoid any R. talk.
anyone else have experience communicating with in laws while pretty much black as night dark with WAS?
Last edited by traveldane; 07/01/0903:07 PM.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
So, you don't need to lay it all out there too quickly, and wait to see if he asks you out. If he does, then accept...if you want to and when you are out together the subject will probably come up in the conversation. However, as I said before, you don't want to discuss everything you've been through on the first date. If you have an opportunity, you can tell him you are coming out of a M and that you have to have some time to heal over that before thinking of another R. Just be careful how much you say, b/c he may not be looking for anything serious either. The fact that a couple goes out doesn't mean a future together. Try to relax and have a good time. 