If my wife weren't pregnant I would have thrown her to the kerb. To me she is the embodiment of evil, selfishness and everything vile. She is not deserving of the title of "wife" and has no conscience or moral compass whatsoever. It hurts to say this. Her family know what she got up to last week and it doesn't seem to faze her at all that they know.
The thought processes that have enabled her to do what she's done are not going to be undone in a matter of days, and she would have to do the work - and I scarcely think she has it in her to do it.
I feel a sense of responsibility to her because of the baby and I am against termination on principal. I am really sickened that W has even entertained the notion of doing that so that she can go to OM, even though OM has said he "couldn't live with it".
Last night W was putting pictures from the baptism last week away in the photo album and she didn't think twice about including the ones of me in there. My picture with her sister and our goddaughter went in. So weird.
I realise that my thinking is really messed up right now due to the trauma. Please bear with me.
Last edited by GH31; 06/26/0902:55 AM. Reason: grammar
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
I can't really imagine what is going on in your wife's mind. Perhaps she will get over OM and decide that she needs to focus on raising her child. That would be a really good scenario. anyway, we are all praying for you and the baby.
GH31, Many months ago Coach wrote something to me here that I repeat over and over - and it can be summed up in to simple words: wasted energy. With those words Coach was calling me out on just how much of my energy I wasted trying to figure out what my wife needed to do to change - or what I wished would be true for her - and what I wished could be different...and it was his gentle, firm, honest way of telling me that I was wasting my time on something that was - and would forever be - utterly out of my control.
Now...saying that STBX's actions are out of my control is different from addressing the needs of my children or facing my reality head on - it's just that, at one point, I had to accept the fact that my STBX was no longer sharing in the same kind of reality that I seemed to inhabit. Suddenly there she was making up events in our past - literally just inventing moments - to claim that I was an abusive husband...and whenever I disagreed with her on anything regarding our son, she would threaten to call the police. She had also had an affair just five months after we were married - and was entering another EA when she dropped the bomb...but here's the thing...as much as her actions were vile and her words reprehensible and false...it was also true that she was suffering deeply inside.
Despite what it seems, your wife does not love herself - I don't think she's happy with herself at all - why else would she be so desperately seeking validation outside of herself - she is, instead, in a crisis that only she can get herself out of - and only she can decide whether or not to accept that.
Perhaps there is some part of her that realizes she is unstable - and that she needs help - or, perhaps like my STBX, she thinks that everything that is wrong in her life is outside of her - and not at all inside of her...either way - it does not matter at all in terms of you - and what you have to do to take care of yourself - and possibly your child.
You cannot help your wife - nothing you can say, do, suggest, imply, etc, can do anything for her. Such was/is the case with my STBX as well...and in my case, I know that she was sexually abused in some way as a child, there are just too many bizarre stories and coincidences from her childhood that her mother and sister gloss over - and when I once tried to bring it up with her - that maybe she needed to address those issues - she turned it around as proof that I was an abuser because I was trying to put the blame for our failed marriage on her past - instead of, according to her, admitting that I was abusing her...it was mind boggling to endure - and it twisted my heart and my mind into knots - until I let her go completely - until I went through the most agonizing pain of my life and accepted the fact that loving her meant letting her go - and not holding onto her at all...and the only way for me to do that was through confronting the fears that kept me from letting her go as I had to...
That's also what I've been wondering about...I've been reading your threads and thinking more and more about you - and who you are - what your fears are - your needs - your obstacles - and how/why you might have found someone - as I did - that could treat you so terribly...and love her for/despite it...I know you say your wife changed a lot - I said the same about my wife...but if I'm honest, and consider the history of our relationship from ten years ago on through the present, the evidence was always there...I just didn't accept it - or just couldn't until now...
I don't think your thinking is messed up at all. I think your W is lucky to have you - just don't forget that.
You may just get a beautiful child out of this mess.
In answer to healthy dad....GH has worked SO hard on himself already. Perhaps he is TOO nice now to her that she walks all over him. Well until the baby arrives there needs to be some sort of equilibrium.
I totally agree that his W probably doesn't like herself.....and she just can't run far enough away from herself. That's not GH's problem. He needs to stay calm and focused and get things ready for the arrival of his baby.
GH, I think you are being amazing.
(((((hugs)))))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
There was a case here in the US a while back concerning a Woman named Susan Smith who was having an affair. The OM told her he couldn’t be with her because of her two kids. She killed both of them by driving her car into a lake with them buckled up in their child seats in the back. Two very precious kids lost their lives for nothing but an emotionally unstable Woman. It broke my heart as I’m sure many others who followed the story.
You ask yourself how a Mother can do something like that to her own kids. Obviously there is some mental illness involved, but the real jaw dropper is the pre-meditation of it all. It wasn’t in the heat of passion, or last minute thought. Take close notice of your W’s actions.
I would just caution you to do everything in your power to gain custody of that baby once it is born. Take notes now, document her behavior, get dates, times, and places. Get any evidence you can to support her instability. Do it quietly, but do it. You need to convince a Judge in the future that your W is a danger to that child. In the meantime, treat her with kid gloves, she’s not stable. Don’t let on to what you intend on doing. Pretend you’re still waiting on her to make up her mind and that you’re devoted no matter what. You may have to really start thinking that this M may be lost and that your main responsibility is your unborn child.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
W and I are talking again after 1 week of standing off and avoiding each other.
Last night I went into the spare room where she is sleeping and we talked for a while. I was very angry and told her how disgusted I am with her actions and that I didn't think she was wife material. She was rehashing my past wrongdoings again and said that she "doesn't really want to let her adultery partner go" and apparently this other girlfriend of his is "on hold". She said "GH31, what if we are back together and I'm completely in love with you again and you disappoint me like before?". It's a legitimate concern but she has to justify having an affair somehow and I told her so.
She asked me about our "marriage" and the baby and I explained that as far as I am concerned, terminating a healthy baby is a crime. W was saying that it's "probably for the best" not to have it if we're not going to be together and that the child would be "sad all the time" without both of its parents. I said that I would keep it myself and give it the best upbringing possible. I would do this and with the help of my own parents.
I am not intimidated by life simply because it is tough sometimes.
This unborn baby is now 14 weeks old. To me, sacrificing a healthy baby so that its married parents can each pursue their own selfish ends is immoral. It is not a waste product nor an inconvenient obstacle that needs to be neutralised.
This morning I intercepted emails between her and OM and the affair is back on, again. She is talking about getting this baby terminated if it would make him happy and then saying to OM (who apparently has erectile dysfunction and other men's issues) that he needs to go to the doctor ASAP to get a test done to determine whether he can father children. If he can't, then W thinks it's best to have the baby. OM purportedly will respect whatever W chooses but says he "can't raise GH31's child", and has asked her to talk to people and doctors before doing it etc. She wrote that she's not emotionally attached to the child but is relieved that she can get pregnant. Well, 3 weeks ago we were walking around the shops and bought a few things for the baby - and it was her idea.
Whilst us being a family is my preferred option, I do not want W as my wife in her current condition. I told her I would rather divorce than have her around if she thought there was nothing wrong with having an affair. And I meant it, and still mean it a day later. I have consistently been having these thoughts for a few weeks now. I know that there are far better and tougher women out there for me than my own wife, ones with a backbone where my W's wishbone is.
I could write so much more but it would be very distressing; will keep you posted.
Last edited by GH31; 06/29/0912:08 AM. Reason: grammar
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
This is so distressing GH. Why would she not be willing to have the child and let you raise it? She can run off to OM and have the life she wants without having to terminate the pregnancy. That is stupid to say that a child will be sad if it's parents aren't happy. Kids don't care if their parents are happy.
Because she's unhinged Sara. I don't even think she really knows what she's saying, such is her glibness. She's running from something and noone can save her but herself.
Have you looked at what going through a termination at this stage involves? Have you seen how willing the medical profession would be to do this?
This woman you call your W is unhinged and living in La La land. Go get some medical facts my friend - they will sober her up and show her the reality of the situation. At best she is cruel, at worst she is deranged.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
