Mojo. The life force. The essence.

[SmileysPerson]

Quiet day. The kids and I did Saturday stuff. Sports. Groceries. Gas. We played over at the school. Rearranged the master bedroom -- I didn't sleep there last night. For one it felt weird; for two it smelled like WAW. Not "smelled" in a bad way. But was redolent of the Essence of WAW. Couldn't handle it. So I washed everything on "Super Wash" cycle. Rearranged. Clean sheets. New towels.

I'm going to try to sleep there tonight. But it's weird. I haven't slept regularly in that room since February 7, 2003. On the 8th I reported for deployment to Iraq. And somehow the sleeping-together never came back into focus after my return to the States in the early summer of 2004.

Note to Self and Fellow DB'ers. Co-sleeping, sleeping in same bed. Essential for intimacy. Probably the most-controllable aspect of my descent and fall into the world of D -- the most preventable. And possibly the one that would have paid biggest dividends had I addressed it. Not sure why -- I mean, you're asleep and all. But it's got something to do with Two-ness in the same space. I have to think on it some more.

Fitful sleep last night. Couldn't get up. Boy-child woke up at 5, distressed (by his account); came downstairs to check on me. "You were looking so comfortable, Daddy, I didn't want to bother you, so I went back to bed. Was that okay?"

Little man.

Ran into a couple we know at the House O' Really Big Stuff (6 pound jars of peanut butter, 12,000-packs of napkins). Didn't occur to me that I might run into WAW there, it being close to her new house and Saturday and all, until I was already committed -- membership card flashed, cart piled high with new towels (gotta love House O' Really Big Stuff).

Anyway, this couple is super and were very good friends of ours. I'm there with the younglings so, of course, "how's Mrs. SP" is the natural course of convo. So I break the news. Mrs. Couple was sweet -- she was trying so hard not to cry.

I gave them the Cliff's Notes version, said some brave things about one-day-at-a-time and seeing-what-we'll-see and the like, and then invited Mrs. Couple -- who is very fond of WAW -- to call Herself and check in on her.

Mindful of the Batsh*t-Crazy-a-Thon that ensued when I had the gall to remove Herself's Mother's painting from the wall -- from my wall -- to protect it from the movers, I texted WAW: FYI, ran into Couple @ House O' Really Big Stuff. Told re: D. Mrs. C cried. Asked her 2 call U 4 support if U need it.

WAW texted back immediately: Was there ystday saw Divorced Former Neighbor Lady. Same reaction. DFNL says worst mistake of our lives. Wants to talk to us both.

Well, now, that's a puzzler. Didn't want to have a "conversation" with WAW. Not today. And she's kind of tricking me into it, text-wise. But why mention the last piece unless it was on her mind? But she's only 24 hours into this -- I don't have faith in her decision-making processes, any more than I did when she offered me an entire house, all of her houses, anything!, if she didn't have to pay support. She's not thinking straight and, opening or not, I'm not dealing with a Not-Straight-Thinking WAW.

First, what if she got cold feet and "came home" -- what guarantee is there (okay, forget "guarantee" -- how much confidence could I have in the likelihood) that, once comfortable again, she couldn't be a Re-WAW? Because her decision to return wouldn't have been based on reflection and evaluation, but would have been based on fear.

Second, she hasn't had enough time. Her BFF came over last night; she's partying tonight; BFF will be there until tomorrow night. So she's been "alone" in her new house a total of about 3 hours. She hasn't started to feel what she's going to feel. This, I think, needs to be ridden out for a while.

(Plus the "our" in "worst mistake of our lives" really bugged me. "What do you mean, 'we,' white man?" asked Tonto.)

So I was cagey in my reply: Time/space 4 now. Kids ok. Njoy yr frenz [WAW is having a house-warming party tonight]. FYI got yr note. Havnt red. That was probably bad DB Kung-fu, but I couldn't get going down that road. Not today. Not trying to rebuild this house. And certainly not at a red light.

[Kimmie Lee]

Maybe you could say, "You forgot your note here. It's in the mail."

[SmileysPerson]

Man, I must be mildly depressed or something. I cannot get out of bed at my normal abnormal time - wake at 730 feeling dead. Literally. Arm completely numb with giant pressure marks from my giant body. Kids tumble into the bedroom, and I can hardly pry an eye open. Slept in the master last night. Started out in the middle of the bed but seemed to have worked my way, inevitably I suppose, to "my" side of the marital real estate. Still smells of WAW in here. And now I do, too. Ffffffffff***************cccccckkkkkkkkkkk

[kara]

Baby steps, SP. It sucks and will suck for a while. You are dealing with a lot of heavy stuff. Be as kind to yourself as you were and are to Mrs SP. Give yourself time.

[Kimmie Lee]

Time. There is no substitute. Wish there was.

I liked Gypsy's broken arm analogy a lot. Of course, for some of us, it seems as though the arm needs to be broken again and re-set. Several times.

SP, i know exactly what you mean about the smells. They are so powerful and really work on your psyche. I loved how my ex smelled. It was just yummy. Pheromones and all that.

I know it's kind of foo-foo, but I like reed diffusers. I picked out some that are the antithesis of what my ex represents to me now. He went from what I would consider a fairly progressive, compassionate human being (while we were dating), to a very strict, must have control at all times (after we were married) Borderline Personality. Funny how they can keep their real selves under wraps when they absolutely need to....but, I digress....

So anyway, now my place smells like Sandalwood and Patchouli instead of hard-core disinfectants. I know it's a bit retro, but I find it comforting.

They have tons of different diffuser oils online. One, I swear, smelled a bit like gun oil. It was called "Ylang-Ylang" and I liked it too. I hate the sickening, sweet floral ones. The woodsy ones are good. Too bad I can't find one that smells like sawdust and chain saw oil.

[orangedog]

Only mildly depressed? You've been through a lot. Repair time.

When I'm going through my roughest times my sleep time really isn't sleep at all. I fall asleep early then wake up in the middle of the night after a dark, numb, dreamless state. It feels like morning but only a few hours have gone by. Other times I never reach deep sleep but end up cycling through problems in a barely a light haze of sleep.

--
I though I'd never say it but I miss tripping over W's girly shoes and clothes scattered all over the floor. Nothing like stepping on an upside down high heel at 6am for a quick jolt awake. I ended up with one or two of her casual shirts in my laundry and I don't want to give them back. Does this mean I miss her?

[Gardener]

Sp,

Sleep returns. Comes back slowly, but comes back. For a while I overslept terribly. Woke up late feeling drugged. Then I stopped setting the alarm clock. Went to bed as early as I thought I could with a halfway decent chance of falling asleep and allowed my body and mind all the sleep they needed, letting them decide when enough sleep had been had. Took about two weeks for me, fwiw.

And the smells. The smells.....
The olfactory sense evokes the memory more powerfully than any of the other senses.
Take care of yourself.

[aliveandkicking]

Hey SP- I was just wondering, do you believe in any higher power? Even if it is just that indefinable energy that compels us to wake up in the morning, trees to grow, an infant to survive under rubble after an earthquake...?

I mean, this is tough stuff. I know you're a practical guy but can you see that there may be some bigger picture, rhyme/reason path that you're on that makes sense in some realm? Maybe the Twilight Zone? But somewhere, somehow?

I am not a God person, however, I think that science and spirituality will perhaps one day prove to be one and the same...I mean there is an undeniable life-force and why would we be endowed with such capacities to feel so deeply and intensely if there was no reason (and I don't mean a reason within our comprehension)?

I think this would be a perfect time (when you're not WRITING YOUR BOOK) to explore your connection to a higher power or life force or energy or what have you...just occurred to me.

I hope you are alright today.

[traveldane]

No wonder you are requiring more sleep. The ammount of energy this expience requires is astounding. To just get through the day and then get up and do it all over again, to be present for your kids...all the while your mind is battling and stress "fight and flight" hormones are surging through your body...

Once your self is able to grab a patch of restorative sleep it wants to hang on, for dear life.

let it.

[antlers]

Hey SP...check out traveldane's signature line! It says..."when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR Isn't that good? Hey man...you're a 'stout' dude! You help lots of people here, and you've got a ton of support here. So...hang on...and hang in there!