Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

"I HATE YOU MORE AND MORE EACH DAY. I AM SO GLAD I'M NOT WITH YOU AND I WILL NEVER GO BACK. YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED ONE BIT AND YOU NEVER WILL. IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU."

Well, IMO, you are messing up her version of reality and she doesn't like it. You are happy and doing fun things with the kids and it pisses her off. AND, I think she's jealous.

I know, a lot of mind-reading there but it is what I think.

Maybe so. It hurts like a mutha to hear that stuff from her...but then again...I'm sure it hurt her like a mutha to hear bad stuff from me! Anyway, I let it go after the initial shock and hurt/disappointment. I've been hearing lots of stuff like that from her recently. I don't really understand why it would 'piss her off'...or make her jealous!

[antlers]

You really think all this anger and hurtful statements are 'all good'? Please elaborate some more for me. It's hard to get my head around it.

What do ya' mean about a power change? You think she's flustered? I thought her anger was subsiding, but recently it has come out full force again. I'm still in her head? Yeah...she has reason to be angry about the past. I hope she's processing it, and continues to do so. Thanks...my text was honestly from my heart...and I was pleased with it too. It felt good. I'm gonna continue getting better...no doubt! She's recently been telling me that I haven't changed at all...and never will!

Maybe saying it was "all good" is a bit of a stretch, but I mean it's good you clearly evoke such emotion in her. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Hate and love are close cousins.

What I mean about the power shift is that you're acting calm and confident, and she's ranting and raving. Seeing you this way is infuriating her. She definitely has a LOT of anger to process, and it's probably going to take a long time, but from what I can tell, you've gotten to place where you can wait, AND keep improving and enjoying your life.

I knew what you meant...it's just hard to get my head around it! Yeah...she obviously still has lots of anger. Coach says it's a good thing too!

I do feel calm and confident...and she is still ranting and raving sometimes. I feel a difference in myself, especially in dealing with her. It feels better. I am in the place that you mentioned futureunknown...and I will definately keep working on myself to become better...and I'll continue to enjoy my life as much as I can under the circumstances. Thank you for keeping up!

[antlers]

She texted me earlier today that she would like to bring kiddos over to our pool today (it belongs to our homeowners association). I said 'that would be fine'.

I rode my bicycle 50 miles today! I'll sleep good tonight!

I haven't been taking the bait when she sends me a really nasty, hurtful text. I just put my rainjacket on, while she's spewing, and pretty much let it roll off me!

My two daughters came in from the pool to our house shortly after I got in from riding. They fixed themselves something to eat, and I gave my oldest daughter the gifts I brought mher back from Colorado. Then they went back to the pool. Wife called me from the pool later and said son was hot and wanted to come to our house, so I went and got him. He stayed
with me until they left the pool and swung by to pick him up. It's hotter than fire here in central Oklahoma right now.

"In order to learn from the past...a man must forgive it!" - from an episode of Magnum P.I.

[aliveandkicking]

50 miles!!!! Woohoo. You're awesome.

[antlers]

I'm sore! I did 20 miles today. Treated the soreness with 600 mg of ibuprofen and a Michelob Ultra!

[traveldane]

Hey Antlers,

Thanks for your post. As terrible as this experience has been, I am really thankful that these boards allow us to support eachother. Amazing that so many people are going through it too.

Been reading about your sitch. I can relate the experience of having spouse talk in absolutes...as in "things were ALWAYS" or in the finality of choice to D. Its helpful to understand possible reasons why they need to interact this way, though still does not make it hurt less.

I think you are doing a fantastic job navigating. Hang in there for now. Like the experienced folks here say, sometimes doing nothing and letting things ride is actually doing the best thing. Or, if you are not sure what to do, do nothing until it becomes clear.

Will check back soon. :-) TD

[sandi2]

Hi Friend!

I am so proud of you! I see your posts on other people's threads and you are giving excellent advice. There are a few people that I would almost like to make them our DB Posters or something....and you are certainly amoung those. I believe you are a great role model of showing how a LBH uses the DB techniqes on a daily basis. Yes, you still have those hurtful moments that you have to get through. But I think you are using your brain to realize what she is going through and what she has to work out in her own mind. It is truly amazing the changes you've made! It goes to prove that a person "can" change if they want to badly enough. You are an example of that and I would say that the people here at the DB board have been very happy and pleased with your progress.

I want you to know if I don't come back to your thread as often as I use to, it's b/c I know you are doing what you need to do and that you are going to make it. It's not b/c I have forsaken you by any means. I'm so proud each time I read one of your posts on another thread b/c it shows how far you've come and what you've learned. I think you are a hero in many ways, Antlers. I hope you can see yourself as being successful and that your self-esteem is very healthy. You have worked so hard....and still working every day! I am blown away at how many miles you are putting in! WOW!

I'm always glad to hear from you when you come to my thread. I appreciate your concern about my health. I am do a little better and have hopes of improving even more.

Hope you have a good week and I'll be checking in with you.

Take care,
Sandi

[antlers]

Hey Antlers,

Thanks for your post. As terrible as this experience has been, I am really thankful that these boards allow us to support eachother. Amazing that so many people are going through it too.

Been reading about your sitch. I can relate the experience of having spouse talk in absolutes...as in "things were ALWAYS" or in the finality of choice to D. Its helpful to understand possible reasons why they need to interact this way, though still does not make it hurt less.

I think you are doing a fantastic job navigating. Hang in there for now. Like the experienced folks here say, sometimes doing nothing and letting things ride is actually doing the best thing. Or, if you are not sure what to do, do nothing until it becomes clear.

Will check back soon. :-) TD

Hello traveldane.

You're welcome...that was some really good info. that you posted there! I'm with you, in that I'm thankful for this board also. There are lots of hurting people here...and fortunately, there are lots of smart and experienced people here too!

Hurting people say hurtful things, and mad people say hurtful things too!

Thank you...it's been a mutha! I feel better and stronger! I'm doing all I can do right now, which is being the best dad I can be to our kids, and being the best antlers I can be. I'm learning. Still dark, and doing a lot of 'nuthin' regarding the relationship...which is 'something' according to Coach!

How are you traveldane?

[antlers]

Hi Friend!

I am so proud of you! I see your posts on other people's threads and you are giving excellent advice. There are a few people that I would almost like to make them our DB Posters or something....and you are certainly amoung those. I believe you are a great role model of showing how a LBH uses the DB techniqes on a daily basis. Yes, you still have those hurtful moments that you have to get through. But I think you are using your brain to realize what she is going through and what she has to work out in her own mind. It is truly amazing the changes you've made! It goes to prove that a person "can" change if they want to badly enough. You are an example of that and I would say that the people here at the DB board have been very happy and pleased with your progress.

I want you to know if I don't come back to your thread as often as I use to, it's b/c I know you are doing what you need to do and that you are going to make it. It's not b/c I have forsaken you by any means. I'm so proud each time I read one of your posts on another thread b/c it shows how far you've come and what you've learned. I think you are a hero in many ways, Antlers. I hope you can see yourself as being successful and that your self-esteem is very healthy. You have worked so hard....and still working every day! I am blown away at how many miles you are putting in! WOW!

I'm always glad to hear from you when you come to my thread. I appreciate your concern about my health. I am do a little better and have hopes of improving even more.

Hope you have a good week and I'll be checking in with you.

Take care,
Sandi

Hello Sandi!

The kiddos and I just got back from 3 nights at Great Wolf Lodge in Texas. It was super! The hotel was super nice, and the indoor waterpark is great. The kids had a blast. I could kick back and relax, and just let them run and play as much as they wanted...and they did! I wore them completely out on a daily basis, both in Colorado and in Texas! I've gotta go back to work tomorrow. The kiddos went back to their mom's tonight. We had a couple of good vacations. So nice to hear from you!

TTYL,
antlers