Whatever turn of events prompted this, well, I suppose I am glad to see you moving to a new place mentally.
While anger can keep us emotionally bound to another person (unhealthy for both the short and long term) it does have its place to help push you along to the next phase.
If you want to talk about whatever happened then please do. We arent here to judge and we can just listen. If not,that is cool as too.
Speaking with a L is an EXCELLENT idea, making the exchanges with the children as business like as possible is crucial for you right now and keeping the focus on you, your job, your children, your AA attendance and C'ing should also top your agenda.
For me, journaling is theraputic. I dont always do it here but I do journal with a pen and paper each day. If you dont want to share what has developed that is fine but I do kindly suggest you purge it from yourself somehow (journaling, AA, C'ing).
Realizations about our WAS often can hit us like a ten ton truck of bricks. In a way, although it hurts to the core, I am sort of glad you finally got hit. Sometimes it is the only way to become jolted back to reality and realize the hope and expectations were merely figments of your imagination.
I hate when people tell me "you'll be fine". Well, yes, of course I will be fine one day. I just cant say what day that will be. But each day you will get "more fine" but it will have to happen on your schedule.
The mourning process one *must* experience when a marriage is over is so very universal yet so very personal. Use your support system and all resources available to you. There is no proper timeline, there is no guarantee when things will finally feel okay but there is the ideal you *can* implement in your own mind and soul that one day things will all fall in place in a way you never anticipated they could. I believe that and I hope you do too.
I am hard on you and I know that. I also know that I have been at the very bottom to the point of become both phsyically and emotionally ill. Its not an experience I ever care to repeat. So my tough stance with you is not to attack you, its to perhaps help you draw on my experience and how I got to where I am. I am not *quite* there yet but progress has been made. And sometimes when we are in the absolute depths of hell progress is all we can aim for. So aim away and remember what my friend told me "when you are in hell the only way to get out is to keep on walking". You can do it. If I can, you can. I was the original poster child of the ultimate "hot mess". Now I am only a slight "hot mess". That counts, right?
Yes Kevin. It hurts and yet it can be the blessing in disguise you needed to jolt you forward. All that CG said applies.
My older sister was crushed when her h of 22 years left her for OW. With 3 kids. She had put him thru law school and worked the whole time they were married, AND she did the house work and took care of the kids, etc etc.
Unlike my younger sister who fell apart and had no kids or job, my older sister managed to function during her turmoil, and get an extra part time job since in her state, she got NO alimony from her h, even though he should have paid her back for the law school in my opinion (and more, imho...) She got screwed and yet handled it with dignity and didn't whine. No obsessing, just forward movement...We had to bite our tongues b/c we knew that her xh was not much of a catch (despite his income. )
She was hurting....yet even then, the rest of our family knew SOMEDAY she'd see that her xh had done her a favor. WELL She does see that now. She remarried A man who "gets her" and treats her very well. VERY WELL and better than her first h ever could. That is the truth. Her xh did tell her he was sorry, made a "HUGE MISTAKE" and blah blah blah. She had moved on. She was and is NOT angry at her exh. She feels sorry for him b/c he remarried a woman he does not love that much, b/c that's all he could get at that stage in life. He said how much he regrets losing my sister, etc. She wasn't punishing him by remarrying. It's just that she found someone better suited to her. That's just the truth.
She found a man to whom the marriage was the most important thing in life and that simply was not how her first h was wired. And she sticks up for herself more too. So Now when her new h and she fight, they "fight" in a healthier way so there is no weird tension around afterwards....it's no big deal whereas before with her xh, it was always a weird thing b/c he'd go off the handle at the sligthest thing and who wants to be around that? NOW She has family holidays at HER HOME b/c she knows there is no way there'll be a "scene"...
She's much happier now and never would have been happy like this, if her first h had not broken her heart. Ironic, isn't it? She knows.
Kevin you know you'll be a better man for this. And that will lead to better things. So it does matter. But sure, it's hard to hear all that now. We get it. Right now you are in pain.
Yet somehow... your "inner self" has apparently decided enough hurting has happened to you, and your kids, and is taking steps to prevent even more damage. That is a healthy thing to do.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I read all of your posts. I just don't have anything to say right now. But I appreciate them.
And yes CG, we are friends. I consider everyone on here a friend because I know their heart is in the right place.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
PDT is right... I know i hated to here that when people posted that on my sitch..I was the last to think it get any better. I had many 2x4's across the head. I still didnt listen at that time. But it does get better, slowly but surely. And when it does you start feeling better about everything and seeing a new perpective for your life. Keep your head up, you have many friends here that care and want the best for you. Good luck.
Me-39 STBXW-42 together 20yrs M-17 Kids-2 D-18 S-16 Bomb-96 Bomb-2005 bomb- 3/2008 for a year Separated 5/08 Filing in July Today.... Slowly learning a new life!
Yes, Kevin, amazingly it does get better each and everyday. You'll have good days and bad days and eventually you'll have more good ones than bad We'll keep you in our prayers...
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
As if I didn't need a reason to be angrier. Last night me and D7 were talking and she tells me that I am her favorite daddy. I tell her that she is my favorite D7. She tells me I am her only D7 and I tell her I am her only daddy. Then she tells me that her mommy said she might get remarried and she might have a step daddy. I said what? She said mommy said she might get remarried and she might not and that she might have a step dad since we are divorced. I said we are not divorced. We are separated but still married. I became so angry at this. I asked D7 when her mom said this. She said a while ago. I said was it this past week? She said no, it was before.
I was angry inside the rest of the night and this morning.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Why does it matter when your W told your D what she did? When your daughter confides in you, please just listen to her and reassure her. Make it about HER, not what YOU want to know.
While it's true that you are not yet divorced, it is true that your W might remarry and then your daughters will then have a step-dad. I would have told her that if and when mom remarries, then yes, that man would be your step-dad. Then reassure her that you'll always be her dad, lover her, help her and be in her life.
Focus on your children and what they need from you to get through this difficult time. Wasting too much time on anger is not helpful to you or them. Stop giving your power away to your W.
