Sunday evening often brings the blues. Combination of return to reality of the grind (work week approaching) and a certain je ne sais quoi, combination of regret or longing, like if I had just one more day off I would...
Anyway, lots of recent GAL for this traveldane. It’s been good on many fronts-keeping busy, getting out of circle of doom mindset, edging self in the moving forward, seeking balance in life direction.
Still feels like walking the PMA tight rope much of the time...putting one foot in front of the other and realizing that progress towards some semblance of emotional stability is being made, a feat in itself unthinkable just weeks ago. Yet even the vague realization that it might be happening is enough to cause those steps to waver, DON'T LOOK DOWN, DON'T LOOK DOWN...aware at all times how easy it would be to fall right back into the pit of sad, mad, forlorn, left-behind-icky ness that swirls not so far beneath.
The Chill between WAH and I is appropriately in effect, and overall I feel better for it.
Went to happy hour with some friends from work. Braved a baby shower for a good friend, and it actually ended up being enjoyable. Mostly it was good to force myself to do something that, while bordering upon near too sensitive right now, was important life event for someone I care about and was glad that I could not only tolerate but genuinely take part in happiness for what she is experiencing. Good to get out of my own head and problems.
Went exploring a bit it new city; reminded me of when I used to travel for my old job and got a lot of pleasure and confidence from hitting the streets of a new place, surrounded by new language, etc. and navigated it all solo. Picked up a schedule for yoga classes, purchased a bike lock, collected take out menus from various ethnic eateries, got self a library card and checked out a book intended for participation in friend of a friend's book club.
And...had coffee with Tall Guy, who apparently was not deterred by the discombobulated scene I made getting into the elevator most recently. It was...nice, I guess. Still at a loss for how to address and deal with my current status, and fortunately things at the table remained casual and friendly enough that I didn't feel it was necessary or appropriate to bring it up. All in all it was nice to meet someone new in this here new town, and to have a conversation that did not, would not, involve the tired topic of the sad sad events that have populated my life over this past year. We sipped, strolled around in the nice weather a bit.
While all very benign and casual by my own analysis, and verified as such by two single friends who are clearly more on the up and up with such matters than moi, the experience also verified just how mixed up and broken this TD is. The entire time, girlfriend could not help but thinking, Tall Guy is very serious. How to relate?
Humor was a doubled edged sword in marriage, as H.'s wit and ability to set everyone around him at ease with a cleaver joke or engaging story warmed my heart and drew me in, consistently. It was the yin to my introverted, prone to intellectualizing yang...he could make me laugh despite myself and everything else, most of the time. While it was one of the things I loved most about H, there reached a point where I realized that H. also used humor to deflect and diffuse when situations and feelings became too intense (first thread posting details the degree to which these situations pushed us to a place where little was funny much of the past year). So there were of course times when I longed for him to take me seriously and be able to stop with the one man stand up show. But now of course, I miss it, and in daily situations I find myself still wishing I could just call him up and laugh, re-hashing the events of a day in the way that only "We" would.
Along the same lines, find myself enjoying things and thinking, Oh I want to tell him about this, share this with him, he'd love this place..etc. Maddening to realize how many times thoughts of H. continue to pop into my head. This time, right now, is supposed to be about me! "Us" is finito for today, that much has been made clear, so fine! Until I could care less or we reconcile, I am cool to put this all aside and return to the life of the living. If we can't save our marriage today, then please, let me save myself...Get out of my head, you robber of my heart, my sanity (temporarily) and at this point, my much needed to be insulated thoughts!
Except that...in some ways...I think... I like having you there. The kicker. Whamp, Whamp, Whaaaaaaaaaaamp.
So yeah. Workin it out here, best as I can.
Last edited by traveldane; 06/29/0912:38 AM.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
