Yeah...I see what you're writing about what else is going on. But you mentioned that you were afraid, and didn't know how to arm yourself for confrontation and detatchment. Coach says that 'loving yourself' is the armor that you need for confrontation and detatchment...and you need not be afraid if genuinely armed with it! You can't be hurt if you're not afraid! I know you have a lot on your plate, and your situation is unique to you...and you're the one actually there dealing with it. But, we're pulling for you aliveandkicking, and I think you have the strength and fortitude necessary to be successful at this...and 'this' has to be determined by you.
Thank you. You know what? I do love myself, I know I do. But I don't think I know myself anymore. I think I was so grateful that H came back last time that I flushed the baby down with the bath water in terms of who I am and what my boundaries are. I wanted to save the M so much that I did things that were ultimately destructive to me in many ways AND, I also had so much fear (having been left once) that I waffled and waned and over-analyzed everything (moi??)...I thought I had really faced down that fear but I hadn't.
I need to learn to know myself. To know what my values are and to get back on my feet. My self-love is too buried down and nondescript. I am going to go on a 2 day (48 hour) no talking about H marathon...starting at midnight.
So, in the mean time...it can be about him a little longer (purge)...but I must be more disciplined. I can't wait for the fear to lift. When I am active and focused, it is better.
