My vote is send the letter. I think it says "there are 2 of us in this relationship. And I'm not willing to be jacked around." A good starting point for a new direction, in my book.
I'm dealing with a lot of fear right now. I don't quite know how to arm myself enough for both detachment and confrontation.
Hi aliveandkicking.
I wanted to share something with you here...
"Self-validating (love yourself) is the armor. You can't hurt me if I'm not afraid of you. This is the work we all must do and is required to have an authentic journey. Two warriors doing battle toe to toe realise that neither one will win. The stronger, wiser and more confident one will drop his shield first and offer his hand in peace. That gesture speaks volumes. Lead on." - Coach
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Yes Antlers. Can you look at what else is going on here too?
I may need to be peaceful from a distance. I don't like the butt slapping, the pleasant dates that he talks away as negative and dysfunctional, his expectations that I act as though I'm his wife even though he has a) articulated that he has or will be with other women because we are separated b) indicated to everyone around him that he is no longer with me and it is my fault.
And on and on. My head hurts.
What does that "gesture" actually look like in DB terms in my sitch?
Is it the letter I wrote?
Is it being kind but detached and unavailable?
Aaaargh...he just called. I didn't answer. Now what????
H left a message saying again how much he misses the kids. I texted "I know. I can relate." they were with him yesterday and are at a friend's today...
Yeah...I see what you're writing about what else is going on. But you mentioned that you were afraid, and didn't know how to arm yourself for confrontation and detatchment. Coach says that 'loving yourself' is the armor that you need for confrontation and detatchment...and you need not be afraid if genuinely armed with it! You can't be hurt if you're not afraid! I know you have a lot on your plate, and your situation is unique to you...and you're the one actually there dealing with it. But, we're pulling for you aliveandkicking, and I think you have the strength and fortitude necessary to be successful at this...and 'this' has to be determined by you.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Yeah...I see what you're writing about what else is going on. But you mentioned that you were afraid, and didn't know how to arm yourself for confrontation and detatchment. Coach says that 'loving yourself' is the armor that you need for confrontation and detatchment...and you need not be afraid if genuinely armed with it! You can't be hurt if you're not afraid! I know you have a lot on your plate, and your situation is unique to you...and you're the one actually there dealing with it. But, we're pulling for you aliveandkicking, and I think you have the strength and fortitude necessary to be successful at this...and 'this' has to be determined by you.
Thank you. You know what? I do love myself, I know I do. But I don't think I know myself anymore. I think I was so grateful that H came back last time that I flushed the baby down with the bath water in terms of who I am and what my boundaries are. I wanted to save the M so much that I did things that were ultimately destructive to me in many ways AND, I also had so much fear (having been left once) that I waffled and waned and over-analyzed everything (moi??)...I thought I had really faced down that fear but I hadn't.
I need to learn to know myself. To know what my values are and to get back on my feet. My self-love is too buried down and nondescript. I am going to go on a 2 day (48 hour) no talking about H marathon...starting at midnight.
So, in the mean time...it can be about him a little longer (purge)...but I must be more disciplined. I can't wait for the fear to lift. When I am active and focused, it is better.
