Oooh, bummer. Is there no other way around it? I like the idea of you both meeting each other in another place/ context like that.
If you saw him tonight could you do it without any expectations? Also, what are your reasons? If you felt it had been more successful last night would you be wanting this time now?
I'm not sure. I like how you keep thinking of ideas that would never cross my mind!
I'm not sure I could see him ever without any expectations, to be completely honest. My reasons are to have a closer connection and stronger friendship and question mark etcetera. If last night had been more successful I wouldn't feel the need to see him now at all.
I talked with a RL friend who said if I felt any resistance from him last night just to let things lie. She also reminded me not to take his behavior personally whatsoever, even though it's really hard not to. Letting things go seems to work, so even though I feel disappointed, I think that's what I'm going to do, unless someone comes up with a brilliant plan on how to see him again without any pressure.
Also, I am already going home to my family a day later than expected, and I feel lame that I stuck around here just to have an awkward hang out with B, so I think if I stuck around here longer just in hopes of having a hang out with B, I would feel even more lame.
Julia, thank you as always for your thoughtful advice and questions... love T
Also, I am already going home to my family a day later than expected, and I feel lame that I stuck around here just to have an awkward hang out with B, so I think if I stuck around here longer just in hopes of having a hang out with B, I would feel even more lame.
Sounds like question answered. Let it lie. I like that advice for right now.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
((((everyone)))) thanks so much for all your thoughts and advice--I just decided to go home to my family as you all suggested. I had an amazing cabbie to the bus station who asked me if I sang every day. I told him from now on I would try--and to dance every day too.
Visiting my family was great!!! My mom had taken some unnecessary furniture out of my childhood room and totally rearranged it. I slept so much better and it's so much more spacious! We had some good heart-to-hearts and also gardened together. My brother and I had some good moments, which made my heart sing because he sort of had been ignoring me for a while, and I was really relieved that for whatever reason he wanted to spend time with me. I went to see my Dad perform for the first time ever--sort of to suprise him. It was so cute, when I arrived he was still setting up, and when he saw that I was there he jumped off the stage with his arms spread wide and gave me a huge hug and introduced me to everyone. His show (he was improvising with a friend on saxes) was great and afterwards we sat in the audience together and chatted quietly about the art exhibit he performed in and the performers after us. It made me so happy to connect to him in a new way.
I didn't really want to leave my parents', and my mom told me she really missed me and asked me why I live so far away, and I told her, I don't know (honestly, it's time for me to get out of atlanta). but I had a plane ticket back to atlanta so I flew back, and going through the airport, I thought, WHY am I back here? I think I am finally ready to let go of this city and what I have here and move on to the next thing. Which is good. Part of me almost wants to leave before the end of june but I think I'm just going to leave at the end of July.
My business is really coming together. I'm getting to the point where I just need to talk to a few designers and pick one who I think "gets me" and they will basically take over the project. There are still some details I'm ironing out but it is OK, and it also doesn't have to be completely perfect (epiphany) to begin!
I'm still really confused about whether or not to go to the school in Boston... I realized I have been thinking about what I don't want and WHY but not so much about what I ACTUALLY WANT. a friend of mine in New York advised me to make a list of everything I WANT to do and think about if anything on that list is something I could only do at the school in Boston or something that going to school in Boston would make a lot easier. I made this HUGE list and realized I have been focused on big picture issues like, do I want more school? more debt? more boston? etc etc but the school-related things I WANT are really simple: to get better at the cello by working with a great teacher and to get better at the cello by playing with people who are really amazing. I'm pretty sure #1 will happen, but after realizing the caliber of students at the school isn't that different from the school I just went to, I'm not sure that #2 will happen. But how else will I participate in a community, if I am not yet done with my training?
Also, I realized that I can't renegotiate the scholarship package because I already tried, but someone else (ie my cello teacher-to-be) probably could do it on my behalf. however, I am really hesitant to do that--because what if he tried and got more money and it wasn't enough and I turned it down? I wouldn't just be turning the school down, I'd also be turning *him* down, which would be really hurtful to him and also possibly to myself. Because he is an amazing teacher and might help me throughout my life. Are there other options or solutions I'm not considering? I've thought about this so much by myself that I wonder sometimes if there is a solution, I just can't see it because I've been introspecting for so long.
I almost thought about moving to new york and then commuting to connecticut (where teacher-to-be also teaches) a few times a month for lessons. I would have no school crap and no added debt, but then, how would I have a community?
It's just confusing because I feel like a path has opened before me to go to this school, but I feel like my heart keeps saying "NO". And this has never happened to me before. And I'm honestly not sure what I'd do instead. But in a way worrying about whether or not to go to school in boston "protects me" from having to come up with a better plan.
KALNI AND ALI-- I didn't even realize that wedding performance had been videotaped! I've never seen it and I'm not even sure which wedding it would have been (basically whenever a friend gets married I play at their wedding) but it actually makes me really happy to think that you have seen me!!! I wish I could play for you in person. I'm thinking about joining FB just so I can see your creations!!!
so I felt pretty crummy after the last meeting with B and I didn't try to follow out or reach up. One of my close friends in NY said that she didn't even think that B knew I still wanted him, which made me TOTALLY confused and kind of demoralized feeling.
Then I had an illuminating conversation with a really good friend about what happened at B's bluegrass band concert. She pointed out that B probably decided to ask me individually instead of suggesting I bring friends or including me in a mass email for a reason... and that maybe he was looking forward to having "someone special" to talk to after the show, but felt really confused/awkward about splitting his time between me and the band. She also said she's been to a TON of bluegrass shows and you can always tell who the girlfriends are because they're the only women who come alone. And that probably everyone in the band assumed I was B's GF, because I came by myself. I hadn't thought about it that way at all. She also reminded me that after a performance it's always awkward trying to talk to everyone who came to see you no matter what, and I realized that this is true. So she pointed out some little tiny baby steps I hadn't even seen.
When I came back to ATL and went through all my magazines, I stumbled on his listing in the new yorker (that he had given me a heads-up about). I thought about calling him (because I was excited and proud) but I wasn't sure, so I did nothing.
THEN! He sent ME a follow-up email!!
Transformer,
It was nice to see you last week. I'm glad you were able to see my band play - it is a source of release for me and we seem to be finding our groove. I've always wanted to be in a band... And thanks for the scores [I gave him some quartet scores at the bluegrass show, since my friend who works at a music publishing office offered them to me for free b/c they were cleaning out]. I've already pitched it to my quartet and the XXXX ensemble and have had positive responses. So we'll see: if I end up performing it, I'll let you know!
As I read this speech [which he attached] this morning, I knew it would be something that you would resonate with. [famous musician who coaches his quartet] mentioned it in our coaching during the Juilliard quartet seminar. It is an awesome reminder of why we are doing what we are doing, and why we teach others about music as well... a very good speech...
I hope you enjoyed your time in nyc and good luck with your decisions in the fall. Keep me informed about your website - I can't wait to see it!
B--
At first I thought: this is such a cold and distant email tone. But then I realized--HE followed up. I did nothing and HE followed up. This also happened after the birthday breakfast--I did nothing and HE texted me to ask about my concert and send me luck. He's never done this before this past month.
It is *also interesting* that he went through the scores and actually asked his quartet (& another group he plays with) if they'd perform them. It was a totally casual gesture on my part--I don't even know the pieces, I just thought "oh, someone's getting rid of string quartet scores, maybe B would want them". It's like I unintentionally influenced his quartet, even though in the past I felt like I never could and maybe he couldn't either. But now I did it by accident? Basically I am surprised by the follow-through... like if I said, "hey b, check out this article on making ice cream" and then he told me he read it and is opening an ice cream business!
The speech he forwarded to me was super thoughtful, about the role of the musician in the world to put things back together inside that are broken. I cried reading it.
I waited a couple days and then for a good mood and then tonight I called him and left a quick message. He called me back and we talked for almost 50 minutes! The tone was happy and light for most of the conversation--open and connected feeling even though we weren't talking about super deep stuff.
The first thing he asked (after how I was doing) was, "Where are you?" I told him atlanta... He told me he had just been sightsinging beach boys songs with the famous violinist camp-founder and other faculty members at the camp he's a counselor at. Which is crazy. I sort of bantered with him and teased him more than I have in the past. He told me he thought I'd really love this one female faculty member there (he told me about her while we were still together--don't worry, she's wayyyyy older than he is) and I joked that I'd probably have a huge "Girl Crush" on her.
He told me more about singing Beach Boys with the classical faculty, and how someone might be making a documentary about the camp, and I joked about how they were also doing a documentary video at the festival I just went to, coincidentally. We talked about my business -- website stuff, incorporating, naming and branding. I asked for his advice.... We talked about seeing the big picture vs getting bogged down in details--something I'm having to learn with my business--and he told me some really nice Yo Yo Ma stories about that from a musical perspective. And I told him stories about seeing Yo Yo Ma and also the Talking Heads (separate nights) in NYC while I was there.
Earlier in the conversation I also told him that I think I'm finally ready to leave ATL and will probably leave at the end of July and he said, "surprise" (sarcastically) and I said, no, I really am surprised, I've been waiting to be ready to leave and I think I finally am. I told him I'd been reflecting on something he said a long time ago... when I was living in a bad roommate situation in Boston, when we had only been together a year or two, B really encouraged me to leave but I clung to the apartment anyway. And he asked me then, "where would you choose to live if you lived in the sky?" So I told him that story and how I was thinking about it again now, and that if I lived in the sky (meaning, I didn't already live somewhere on earth) I definitely wouldn't choose atlanta. It was the first time I'd really brought up a moment from our past like that, and it seemed to work.
At the end he told me he needed to go to do lights out duty at the camp and I laughed and teased him about it. And then I told him that I'd seen the new yorker mention and that I was really proud and then we discussed that briefly before I said I should let him go and got off the phone.
Nice!! Not sure what comes next. There are definitely more things I want to ask him for help with/advice on, but I figure I should wait at least a week (or two) before calling again. I think it had actually been a couple months since I'd actually called him on the phone, so it felt a little ballsy to do.
That was great that B followed up the meeting and that you had a great conversation.
It sounds like you have some pretty big decisions to make re your next career move. It seems to me that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself also. Trust that you will make the correct decision for yourself. It might help your decision-making process to take a step back from it.
Hey T, hi, missed your posts. I am not so much on here anymore (at least that is how I feel). No advice from me other than keep focusing on your life and as your friend said, on what you WANT to do.
Your interactions with B sound OK but I can udnerstand why you felt sad after your last meeting. I would too. One question for you: do you still feel hopelessly in love with him? Love K
Join FB with the name Transformer. No one will make the connection, you will be "safe"...
Yay for B sending you a follow-up e-mail! That's so exciting- talk about a turn up for the books. That's really great news! Are you still feeling pleased by it? it sounds to me as though you've had quite a lot of good interaction recently. Have you got a plan for what next? More of good interaction to increase frequency more? or any plans to mix things up?
I love that you've been so patient and that B has been getting more open and warm with you throughout all this time.
Hey T, Ditto to K.. keep working out what you really want to do in life, afterall.. B is VERY good at chasing his dreams and making things happen, with his quartet and his Bluegrass band and living where he needs to be living.. so thats bound to be something he would find attractive in a potential partner and its also going to be what you need!
Ditto to getting on FB.. I kept saying, as long as you go on there as Transformer and use a random email address to register, noone will ever know its you! I dont have any of my RL peeps on my DB FB page.
And I agree with Lisa.. I was pretty stunned he sent you such a warm follow up message. Yuo said that your friend thinks B has no idea you are still into him and that this upset you.. why did it upset you? I was kind of wondering the same thing.. as you havent said a word to him since the breakup via webcam about your feelings for him, he may well be a little confused about your motives. But then he did state a boundary back in January when he said he just wanted to keep things friendly (?) so maybe he was aware..but if he is, he is doing a good job of keeping hte contact going, so he clearly wants you in his life still in some capacity !!
I still vote for snooping on his FB page to see what he's up to, but I know you are too 'controlled' to go there !!!!
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
