confused.....want to do something.....

[orchid01]

Journalling..........

I am feeling a lot of anxiety today. I am still having a real tough time adjusting to the heat down here. I wish I had one more week to just get used to the climate. I just went out to run some errands for an hour and a half and I have not felt good since. Its 105 here today....maybe I am dehydrated. I don't know....can't tell. How am I going to do the rest of my life alone like this.

I have to go to a work dinner tonight. I am anxious about that too. I always get some butterflies when I have to meet a whole group of people. I don't necessarily do well in a whole group. I am more of a one on one type of person. But, I am going to have to get out of my comfort zone. Its like every single day is something new I have to conquer or feel as if I am failing.

H has not called today at all. I am sure that is also adding to the uneasy feeling. I am sure he is trying to put as much distance as possible.......that is what it is about, after all.
Anyways, it almost feels like the sitch with H is the least of my problems right now.

I am nervous also bc I begin my job on wednesday. Not a lot of time left and I really hope I can manage this....It feels like I am going to fall flat on my face and I will just......actually, I cannot. I need this job...I need this paycheck. I have to do well. I am so not sure about this.

So many nerves...I wish it was cooler cuz I would just love to go for a run.......and sweat the nerves off.....

Sigh...I feel so confused about my life. I am wondering all of a sudden about what it is that I want out of life. What do I want to accomplish? How will I accomplish that? What's in btwn?

I had a call from an old friend and she was talking about having children, cuz they are the only security blanket one has in old age. I really just didn't like that.........but, then I thought well, who will take care of me if I needed it......I will have to have money, so that I can afford a good assisted living place.

It is a morbid thought, I know. But, all of a sudden I feel like I am dealing with every uncertainty that I have feared!

But, isn't that the thing about life........what you fear really is exactly what life makes you confront....even as we try to sidestep our way around it all.

Anyways....I am sure things will work out. I will figure it out. Just writing out some of my doubts and fears and trying to get some insight into myself.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi orchid1, Don't let your fears overtake you. Many of us have the same ones. I've thought of those myself. One issue, one mountain to climb at a time. I'm sure you will do fine, get that PMA back in your head!!!

I find it strange that your H wants a D, so he isn't responsible for you. Well .... yes & no. You can still "Feel" responsible for someone after D, just like you can still love someone after D. Many WAS nix their responsibility (or some of it) as soon as they walk out the door. My xh did that 2 years ago when he left.

The D was ok. I had much time to adjust to the D issue. We had worked on it together & thus ended up spending more time together, that wasn't all that bad. I tried to make it as "fun" as possible. My thing was to show him, we could work on uncomfortable issues together. So I was ready for D or not to D. After D, my xh said your right, M is just a piece of paper. Then he told me he loved me & would always love me (hadn't said that since he left, but I knew he did). We hugged & kissed a few times, chatted a bit & before both of us went to work. Strange thing is, we've seen each other more since after D. Don't know, I still love him. Am happy with my life though.

Looking at things with another POV, your H does care, cuz, maybe he's giving you the push you need to get on your feet. (Tis a cruel way though).

Stay strong!!!!

[orchid01]

Yeah.........I let my PMA slide this evening. I went to the dinner...only 3 new hires (out of 9) showed up.....but, it was fine. Not a big deal........it was ok. They all went to someone's house afterwards to drink...I did decline that. I have never been much of a drinker to begin with.....

I read over my entry prior to leaving and my nerves were getting the best of me.

Ms. Melancholy,

I do know that my H cares for me. He worked his butt off for 2 weeks prior to coming to visit me, so that he would have extra money to help me set up my apartment. I didn't take most of his help. He got really pist at one point and so I let him get a few things. No one does this if they don't care. On top of that he told me before he left that he wanted to be with me sexually every single day that he was here, but he did not want to have both of us more confused and end up in tears. He said this is hard enough...he has a lot to work thru.

I think you are right.........unfortunately, until he gave me the papers, I was relying on him for everything....financially and emotionally. So, it is a cruel way in which to get on your own 2 feet, but I am 35 years old....its about time. To be frank, I went from being taken care of by my father to being taken care of by my husband....at least financially.

The independence I feel right now is unique, exciting, and scary all at once! I am doing well, actually, and I need to focus on that.

I don't think my H has stopped "Feeling" responsible. I think after this visit...perhaps....the day he left, he did say that he feels really good bc I have set myself up well and he doesn't feel sorry or worried for me anymore. I was very insulted.....but, in a way, maybe now he can stop worrying.....maybe....who knows.

The only thing I do know is that if he needs space from me, I am willing to give that to him. I am just trying to understand why he wants this D. He even talked about getting re-married....starting over.....fresh....new....

I just heard MLC talk......so I just did not really respond.

But, we will see...for now I need to keep focusing on my own PMA!

[Kenn]

HI Orchid,

Glad you are doing well!!!!!!

Okay... I am confused. You say you are having a tough time adjusting to the heat down here and that it is 105..... yet your location says Wisconsin????

Where in Wisconsin is it 105 and even though I love Canada... is there really anyhwere north of Wisconsin to come from ????



Hope you are doing well

[orchid01]

HA! Well....remember my move a couple of weeks ago...I moved to Louisiana. So its just crazy hot here......esp compared to Wisconsin! Hope you are doing well, Kenn.

[orchid01]

to make things even more complicated.....I was in New York the month prior to moving here..when H gave me the D papers and I was lucky enough to find this website! But no more moving for me. I am in one place. I have one home......my own home.

[MsMelancoly]

Well, in my sitch my xh said some of the same things. Partly, I now believe was to let me down easy & to not hurt me & to try & leave a door open. The WAS doesn't know what they want. The other part of me believes (with my xh anyway), that he could only see one road & that was D. To just stop, end it & not struggle through. And maybe start new, fresh someday. Granted he will struggle through issues with his job or some friends, but only if he feels he has to. We each have our own ways of dealing with difficult sitches & sometimes they don't agree. Make any sense???

Good to hear your dinner went well !!

[hopeful_cb]

I am going to have to get out of my comfort zone. Its like every single day is something new I have to conquer or feel as if I am failing.

But just think how after only a couple weeks you’ll have gotten thru so many things and that will give you more confidence to keep going and conquer more.

I still wake up and feel really anxious sometimes, but like I say to ppl in my work, anxiety is a normal feeling, and a reaction to a situation (granted sometimes it goes overboard and takes over, that’s when its not helpful) but that its how we learn to manage the anxiety and learn what works for us in dealing with it that helps too. Look to make a change in your behavior(what your doing) or thoughts (what your thinking) to change how you feel (anxious). Im not saying it will go away but those things help me deal with it better.

Focus on your new job, good luck getting started. Just think how much you have overcome in the last while and how much you are capable of .

I can really hear you on that feeling of being confused with life, not knowing for sure what you want to get out of it or how to get that. I am there too. I watched a dvd Friday night and in it the one woman found out her H was having an affair and went thru basically what lots of ppl are doing on these boards, she made up a wall that said ‘What do I want?’ and started sticking up pictures, clippings, articles that she came across on the wall to help her define what she wanted to get out of life. I thought that was a good idea. To remind yourself of things you come across that inspire you.

One of the goals I made myself a while ago was to stop acting/living out of fear, I am still working on that, but I think the big changes take time. and I think you are doing really well.

Good to hear your PMA coming back in the later posts (Im catching up here!)

This thing about the responsibility is something I keep reading a lot. One of my h’s biggest things was about the responsibility he said he felt for me and our future and all the ‘pressure’ that was on us and how he didn’t want the responsibility of another person anymore. It does sound selfish and it does sound like running away from your problems, and that is a lot of what my h is still doing. He still trys to ‘look out’ for me and make sure im ok etc, for someone that doesn’t want the responsibility he sure keeps coming back and trying to help out with it!

Its good that the dinner went well too.

[mnt_dreams]

I can really hear you on that feeling of being confused with life, not knowing for sure what you want to get out of it or how to get that. I am there too. I watched a dvd Friday night and in it the one woman found out her H was having an affair and went thru basically what lots of ppl are doing on these boards, she made up a wall that said ‘What do I want?’ and started sticking up pictures, clippings, articles that she came across on the wall to help her define what she wanted to get out of life. I thought that was a good idea. To remind yourself of things you come across that inspire you.

I love this idea!!! I'm going to start one on my bathroom mirror today! What was the name of the movie?

I think we're all very tuned into thinking about our futures, our goals and dreams now. But visually posting reminders about what we want out of life so we can take steps to make it a reality is an awesome idea!

[hopeful_cb]

It was kind of cheesy but mildly entertaining anyway, called 'The Women'. Its not very new been out a while now. Not much left at the dvd rental place on a friday! But I did think the idea was nice, like journaling but with pictures and clippings and putting it somewhere you will see it everyday.

I am definitely more tuned into thinking about goals and dreams etc now and seeing the opportunities that present to me in my life. In the past I may have completely over looked them.