Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Today, boys & girls, the word is: Lonely

Yup, I'm lonely. It's an absoulutely gorgeous day here and I'd love to be spending it with my sweetie. I kind of did for a few minutes we crossed paths as he was trimming the lawn and I was watering the plants, so to a casual observer, they might think that we were working on the yard together, but I assure you we were not. He was ignoring me, as he does, and has done for over 3 months now.

So, since I worked my butt of last night down in the basement, I decided to do something I haven't all year: lay in the sun a bit to get my legs tan and even out the burn on my back by getting the rest of my back some color as opposed to dead white. I wore the bikini my H bought me during our honeymoon, this is the first time I have since then. I did as much subblock as I could reach, and asked him to please do the rest of my back, which he did. Then he must have taken off, because his car is gone.

When I wasn't here, I was thinking about him all the time, but when I'm here, I still think about him but in a way it's worse, because he's right here, ignoring me 24/7.

I heard him say "important news" out loud yesterday, and I thought he was talking to me, but nope, he wasn't, he was on the phone to someone else. It's a woman, because 95% of his friends are. This wouldn't bother me as much before, but it sure does now, because everyone knows more than I do, and I live here. Those flowers he sent? Those were to his co workers wife, who was in the hospital. From what? I don't know.

I want to call my friend and chat with her, but she's always crazy busy on the weekends, becasue that is some of the only uniteruppted time she gets with her hubby, so I really don't want to interupt thier newlywed year that they have started with a bang. I try not to be jealous, but since I was really denied this lovely newlywed year, it's hard not to be somewhat bitter.

There's loads and loads of stuff to do here right now, so I can't really justify going off and doing anything right now. I need to make a list and prioritize what's what because I only have 1 more week "off" before I can start work again, so I need to maximize the time I have left.

Also, the window guy is coming tomorrow, so I have to make sure to get some stuff done so that he has full and complete access available to all the windows. Agh. There is nothing fun about any part of this to do list, really. Wait, I take that back, I can make it more fun by listening to the radio or my ipod, so that's cool & makes the time go faster, and keeps me company somewhat as well as in a dancing, upbeat mood.

I'd love to call my mom to complain, but she'd just beg me to come over there, and all that's there is more work, and I need to get this done here first. Sorry to be so damn negative.

I also need to re-read the DR as well as "Get the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix, Phd, the guy who came up with the idea of Imago Relationship Therapy. That is the workshop I wanted me and my H to go to so desperately. I still don't know if I should put that request to the court or not. I don't know if I even want to go to it with him anymore.

He's being so damn weird with this ignoring, I can't take it. Seriously, he seems really screwed up but at the same time I pity him and love the man I DID fall in love with that's still there somewhere, I am angry at him for failing to see just how messed up he is and doing something about it. Does he think this is NORMAL behavior? Aagh. I need tp get focused on my huge to do list and forget this crap for a bit.

Also, lunch wouldn't hurt, then I could wait and have a good workout to channel this frustration into something postive. I know otherwise I will just pick a fight, and literally, I can't afford that right now because he is still on the fence about going to the mediator as far as I know. At least he hasn't given me a response back yet, which means he could still say yes to it. While it would be faster, which is a plus right now as far as ending the purgatory that I'm in, that is a negative in there is less time for the DR to work.

I made the mistake of reading a Cosmo I got from a friend when I was outside and of course, they had sex tips, so now I'm also feeling super disapointed about that right now, because my H doesn't want anything to do with me and sex, and since I'm still married, my ex bf won't have anything to do with me as far as even talking on the phone, much less anything else. <sigh> life is really not fair. Sorry for the crybaby bs, I know it's old, heck I'm sick of it and I'm the one spouting it right now. Gewk!

I'm off, to save myself and hence save 1/2 of this relationship at least! Got to think of that becasue "everyday is a winding road, I get a little bit closer" (Cheryl crow song), otherwise this all would feel pointless.