Orchid thanks for that, I dont know how well I really am doing with the sitch, but I feel like im doing better with myself. Im doing the best I can with what Ive got but still question my decisions often.
Kara thanks for the tip, Im sure there are days when I need them still! I find it a lot easier not to answer quickly these days, but we all have hard times! I think for my sitch it def does me good for H to know I am NOT sitting around waiting for his every beck and call. He needs to know this(I think)and it makes me feel better about myself. I even started turning it off while at work, or not texting during work hrs and turning it off or at least on silent when I am doing things for myself so as not to let it interrupt or distract me.
I half still find myself thinking maybe I should just not see him at all, does he even deserve time with me? but I think I am just really frustrated with things, no matter how its going we always want more.
I did get to see H a lot recently, eventho he canceled the last meeting. I think after he sees me for awhile he starts to feel bad/guilty about all the sh*t he is doing to me and then pulls away to try and deal with it (i know complete mind reading, right!)
Havent heard anything recently since he canceled, but didn't expect to, have no practical reason to speak to him so just havent.
I still find it hard to communicate with him, there are so many things I'd like to say about things that dont have to do with me and H and the R, but just dont know how to say them without going back into the W&H dynamic I have been so used to for years, so instead I just find myself not saying anything about things.
Thinking back I am getting annoyed about some comments H had made to me, most recently, he said I should/could always go visit my 'friend' back where we used to live(a lovely family, I kind of worked for taking care of her son while I lived there). Thinking back its like he's trying to find me things to do, like I can't do it myself, like he's still trying to take care of me, baby me, suggesting activities for poor ol me. Feels the same way he talks to me about his worries I wont be able to handle the bills etc. I really need him to see I can do this myself, I have been doing it myself and I dont NEED him. I dont need him to fix things for me, to take care of me or to worry I can't handle it! Gosh that is really getting me annoyed.
I had a really good weekend. I watched dvd on friday night with myself had a nice relaxing night and got to talk to my sister and her kids for a long while on the phone. Sat, I went to gym(yey) did some shopping, looking for some new flowers but didnt find the right ones and bought me some new shoes, that were like free bc I had a gift certificate from my bday still! and then I went for dinner and a movie with the girls. We saw my sister's keeper, everyone was crying in the theater by the end! Today I got a text from a friend saying do I want to go do some shopping, so she came over and we went into town, I got 2 new tops and a summery cardigan for work and then we got some ice cream and took it to another friends house and ate it in the grass outside. It was such a nice hot summer weekend here. I am hoping for more of those! I am also starting to plan a camping trip for the near future and already got 3 girls on the bandwagon agreeing to go!
Also I find I always post about H first then about ME!! I need to change this up, I come first right? Right. I guess its bc I post when venting or journaling...but still!
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09