Big row with H last night over his birthday (which was Sunday). It wasn't good enough. I know it wasn't good enough - I tried but failed miserably to make him feel special. I always fail at that one - not sure why. I feel like whenever I try to do something nice for him I get it wrong and end up making him feel worse. It's as though - he's thinking "is that the best you can do? Then why bother?"
Are his expectations too high? Or or mine too low, why do I always feel it is not necessary to make the big gesture, why do I always feel like XYZ is good enough and fall short of going the distance for him? I don't really understand the things that make him happy - I find it difficult to put myself in his shoes, see it from his side and work out what would really please him. Everytime I do try I get it wrong and end up feeling spurned and rejected. After 12 long years of having all my gifts, gestures, kindnesses etc turned down I start to feel what's the point? Some have suggested that it might be a self-esteem problem in him - that he doesn't feel worthy and therefore rejects my attempts to make him feel special. I wish I could think it was that simple, that kind of puts the blame on him and lets me off the hook. There is something in my behaviour that is not coming out right.
I am just spewing it all out here, I will get my thoughts more coherent later maybe.
not feeling good today
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
