Where am I? How long will it last?

[needinghope]

Hello to all others who are hurting and confused.

I think I have posted all over the site at this point. I'm not sure where my M is at this point. We have been separated for 3 weeks. H said that he hasn't been happy since we returned from our honeymoon 5 1/2 years ago. When he left he said that it was over, but he would go to counseling???? So, we went to our first appointment yesterday and it went really well. But, he hasn't said that he has any intention of coming home.

I'm over the shock and have started pulling myself together, but I miss him horribly. I get discouraged when I read others in the forum talk about their 9 month - 18 month separations. Under what circumstanced does that happen? Are you in contact during that time? Couples counseling? If so, then you have patience of Biblical proportions. But, that is really scarry for me. I'm not sure I can keep going to MC for almost a year while still living apart from my H.

I'm looking for clarification. Those of you in long separations, what are the circumstances? Are you both working to improve the M? Do you talk to each other? I may end up where you are and I want to begin to prepare myself.

To all LBSs who have been fortunate enough to reconcile, were you in counseling during the time you lived apart? How long did it take to reconcile?

I need advice. H and I are on a path with a MC, but I still want to adjust my expectations on how long this could take based on the afore mentioned situation. I know I need to go with the flow, but I do all of that jazz in H's presence- not here. I also know that every M is different, but I'm trying to get a general idea.

This site has been such a life-saver for me over the past 3 weeks. I hurt for all of you who are hurting. I can't imagine how I would have coped with all of this before Al Gore invented the internet . (Nothing against his politics, I just thought it was funny when he said that.) (Now I've over-explained my joke, thus killing it. Sorry)

Needinghope

[The Wifey]

Needing,

First thing you have to come to grips with is that this is happening and it is real. I didn't want to believe it for so long.

Then you need to strap on the big girl panties. You can't imagine you being here a year down the road and being ok with it. I got my bomb 6/2/08 so I am beyond that point.

It took a long time for me to get over the shock, the pain, the tears, and coupled with peri-menopause I ended up on an anti-depressant. I read and tried to follow DB, then DR. I hoped and prayed this would be over quickly.

I started IC shortly after the bomb that helped tremendously. I am still seeing her, in fact.

It took a long while but I am now stronger, more in control of my emotions, busy, and very centered. I wouldn't say my H and I are officially piecing yet, but we are definitely rebuilding.

We only saw each other once in several week spans at first. Sometimes it was more than a month before we saw each other. Now, we text/email daily and see each other 3-4 times a week and usually spend Sundays together.

Read the books, take notes, re-read them. Learn to GAL, because it really and truly will help you. Learn, Read, GAL, read some more.

Take an interest in your day. Meaning that you should notice the details that you normally take for granted. The shower, the sunrise, how nice your blankets feel, the smell of coffee, the beauty of nature around you.

When you want to call your WA, journal instead. If you have to cry, cry. Give yourself a time limit. Then go do something. Be kind to yourself. Get a manicure, a massage, go for a walk.

Try to focus on one forum. Newcomers is usually where I hang. They know me here and many of the people here are like my family. Post to other people. That is the best way to get others to post to you. Even if you don't have any advice, it will help you to reach out to other people.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. But you are among friends that understand more than anyone in your real life ever could.

Wish I could tell you this is a short trip. Unfortunately, all you can do right now is to strap in and get ready for a marathon. It can get better. I am praying for you.

[dmkdmkdmk]

What she said!

I'm only about two weeks into my separation, and there is no affair that I know of, just an exhausted, worn-down husband with absolutely no patience for his needy, pregnant wife...

You can get hope from the fact that he is willing to go to MC, but the most you can do is do things for YOU! That is the thing that is helping me the most through this...

My anxiety level is lower than it's been in years, I rarely cry, I'm generally enjoying myself and my friends and my daughter and my life...

Just remember there's nothing you can do to change him, you can only change you!!

[needinghope]

Thank you both so much for your advice. Yesterday was the first day of not crying and the first day of NC. He sent me a text but I kept my reply pleasantly brief. I guess that is contact, but I didn't initiate it, so in my head that's still NC. I slept in a bit today and plan on cleaning the house and then hanging out with a friend.
I've also started reading Divorce Remedy, but it seems very similar to Divorce Busters. Does anyone know the difference between the two? Never-the-less, it's very helpful.

So, today looks promising. Thanks again for the wisdom. I would still like to hear from others, so please feel free to post.

[needinghope]

The weekends are the worst!!! I am constantly wondering where he is and what he's doing.

[ppenton]

Hang in there and try to plan some activities for the weekends as they can be long. Try not to obsess what he is doing or thinking as that will only hurt you further.
DR is the updated version of DB. {{{hugs}}}

[needinghope]

Thanks for the encouragement. I went to the beach today with a good friend and had a really good time. I actually got hit on, which was weird. I guess I've still got it .

[antlers]

Hi needinghope.

Sorry you're here, but since what has happened with you and your spouse has happened...I'm glad you're here! This is real...it's bad...but it's real. Accept that. Stop thinking about your husband right now, and start thinking about you. I know you love him, and you want him back. Stopping thinking about him, and starting thinking about you doesn't change that. You just need to start doing the best things for you that you can. Start thinking about you; make 'you' your priority. It's not selfish...it's survival. Get busy and get active. Clean your house, work in your yard, go shopping, exercise, do things with friends, etc. Stay on this board, read the books, read other people's threads, pray, and make a commitment that you will become a better person, a better mother, and a better partner...no matter what! This is bad stuff that you're dealing with, but other people survive it, and you will too...even though it doesn't feel like it right now. This may take a long time, so buckle up...PATIENCE...learn it, live it.

[needinghope]

Thanks Antlers. I'm trying, but today I'm wondering what he's doing? I'm constantly checking my phone and email, looking for signs of him. I know this is the worst thing to do, but last night around midnight I gave into my suspicions and drove past his house. He wasn't there and now I am sick worrying about where he was and who he was with. Plus, I'm mad at myself for doing that and hate what it says about me. So right now, I'm trying to get motivated to make coffee and read, then maybe work out. Yet, half my brain is constantly preoccupied.

Thanks everyone for your replies. When my H does contact me, it's good to know that you guys do.

[karen43]

It's not selfish...it's survival. Get busy and get active. Clean your house, work in your yard, go shopping, exercise, do things with friends, etc. Stay on this board, read the books, read other people's threads, pray, and make a commitment that you will become a better person, a better mother, and a better partner...no matter what!

Great advice antlers! I see so many people, including myself be very impatient and not realize it can easily be 1 or 2 years. I've been looking at this time as a time to really work on getting stronger, healthier, happier. Work on your weaknesses. Do 180s, GAL, change things about yourself that you believe need to be changed. Karen