What a day, what a day...I have finally figured out that H wants me to be his wife if and when he feels like it. Can't quite describe how crazy it was as I walked into his world for a bit today and when I had plans I had to leave for, he was offended...yep, how could I possibly have something more important to do???
Already tonight there was one move to provoke me that involved my kid.
So, now I will be writing everything down and preparing for the likeliest outcome (still can't quite bring myself to file but very close)...
I am very concerned about H's clinical narcissism (I have little doubt at this point) and my obvious co-dependence. I am going to look for help in dealing with this.
I'm looking for a light at the end of this tunnel, it is pretty obscured at the moment.
I agree SP. Sometimes, 'doing nothing' is actually doing something! In situations like these...it's actually doing a lot!
Home-slice apparently doesn't like when I do "nothing." And we're talking about one frickin' time I was not available. How am I going to get through YEARS of this???
Slow down, friend. Let me talk some Army-ese here. Breathe. Get a good sight picture. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeze the trigger - don't yank it, or your shot will miss its target. Engage the nearest target first - that's the one that can kill you.
IOW - don't be in a hurry to get worried about "YEARS of this." Think your next move through - act, don't react. Get a good picture in your mind of what you're aiming for now - not years from now. There are people in your corner. Force yourself to focus on today's challenges and tomorrow's - not the hypothetical challenges of year 2020.
It definitely sounds like Monsoor has checked out of the Hotel Reality. I would suggest that in many ways it might be worth considering the possibility that this is completely independent of what has happened in your marriage. It sounds as if this was always some kind of latent possibility - some people are, I think, sort of pre-wired for this type of "vision," and Hwood is particularly good at activating it. Your M could have been solid as a rock, and you might very well still be seeing this. Could a stone solid M have absorbed and accommodated such weirdness? Maybe, maybe not. But the bottom line is to recognize that this is a Shmedlap Thang and clearly not an Aliveandkicking Thing.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make decisions for now and tomorrow's now, for you and the children, and let the years take care of themselves. The years are a problem, but they're not your problem.
If you can work on the detachment, the confrontation, if/when it comes will be easier to handle. Its better to try not to take things personally. Remember, if he is as narcissistic as you think he is, it is all about him. It isn't about you at all, even when he says it is.
There are people in worse marriages than ours who have renewed their relationships and gone on to either a much better marriage or divorce w/friendship.
I have resources that can help if you are interested.
For now, I want to limit our communication to only important topics regarding the kids and finances.
If you are interested in cultivating a new relationship and a new dynamic, that would be optimal to me. If not, I think it is best for both of us to really take our own spaces for a while.
There are people in worse marriages than ours who have renewed their relationships and gone on to either a much better marriage or divorce w/friendship.
I have resources that can help if you are interested.
For now, I want to limit our communication to only important topics regarding the kids and finances.
If you are interested in cultivating a new relationship and a new dynamic, that would be optimal to me. If not, I think it is best for both of us to really take our own spaces for a while.
Best,
AK
OrangeDog likes this.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
There are people in worse marriages than ours who have renewed their relationships and gone on to either a much better marriage or divorce w/friendship.
I have resources that can help if you are interested.
For now, I want to limit our communication to only important topics regarding the kids and finances.
If you are interested in cultivating a new relationship and a new dynamic, that would be optimal to me. If not, I think it is best for both of us to really take our own spaces for a while.
Best,
AK
Ditto. Very good. Hang in there. Smiley's right. Today. Tomorrow, max.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks folks. I am debating whether I should send it or do "nothing" for a few days. He actually flippin' slapped my butt when he was leaving today (after dropping the kids off)! I said "no, that's not working for me." And he wanted to know what was wrong with me?????
Then he texted me about how much he misses the kids...I haven't answered.
My problem is that I feel that he is still testing me all the time but I can't be on as his wife under these circumstances and whenever something goes well between us he reflects on it as negative (doesn't fit with his plan) and reaffirms basically that the good times are really just slip ups on his part and he's really clear that we cannot be together.
I don't know if I should talk to him straight up about it (what kind of R does he want) or just do my own thing. I do know that I have the mental mastery of a pigeon these days...
