Was she correct in that you were talking to an old girlfriend, and if so, did you lie to her about it?
Not judging -- just trying to understand the dynamics at play. It is imperative that you be 100% truthful with her through this process from here on out.
Oh yeah, she is correct in that I still keep in touch with someone I dated for a few months in grad school 10 years ago. I have never lied about it. I hear you on the truthfulness thing - can't play the game if I am not playing by the rules.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Oh yeah, she is correct in that I still keep in touch with someone I dated for a few months in grad school 10 years ago. I have never lied about it. I hear you on the truthfulness thing - can't play the game if I am not playing by the rules.
Not saying you can't talk to her. But yes, honesty is the ONLY way now.
A lot of this is projection.....she is trying to blame you for the things she may be doing.
It is normal for this, that is why it is imperative for honesty to be at the forefront of your thoughts when dealing with her.
It would really suck to let her guilt off the hook by something that YOU did.....
It is totally projection. Heck, I said before (and again when this came up) if still being friends with a grad school classmate was a deal breaker, I would cut off contact. It is not like we are that close of friends and keep in touch that much.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Had a nice day today, hanging with family. WAW was to go to party with work friends tonight. Super, me and S would hang and have fun. She was planning to come home around 11pm. Got couple of txt msgs throughout night. Just got one that said she was staying over and will be back in the am. This is so sketchy it is hard to swallow. I can't get my mind around how to respond. Do I call and leave a voicemail on how angry I am? Do I calmly inform her tomorrow I think this was wrong.
I don't have proof of anything but this is just not normal or cool. I don't want to control her but this just isn't cool. I just really don't know what to do and my gut instinct of anger and such is a reaction that has got me in trouble before so I need to DB and 180 the usual and respond better for me.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I would calmly sit her down today and say something along the lines of "I'm not sure why you didn't come home last nite, after saying you'd be home by 11, but without a transparency plan in place I have decided that I can't feel safe in the marriage. And I of course would also be fully transparent with you.
I cannot live in a marriage where my wife stays out all night -- not considering everything that's happened. And I'm sure you would agree that it's not best for (S4). I have to go (INSERT "GAL" ACTIVITY HERE), but I hope you'll give this the seriousness of thought that it deserves."
And then I'd leave.
After the loosey-goosey "plan" of the past week, she's testing your boundaries. This was totally to expected. How you respond -- TODAY -- will be crucial.
I like the tone of that approach, but at this point we don't have a marriage. She wants out, has made that clear, and I am pretty sure her response would be along the lines of "I don't want to live in this marriage either."
She came home very early this morning, and said she didn't come home because she drank too much and it wasn't safe to drive. That is an acceptable reason, though that was not communicated last night. I told her that I want her to be safe as well but that a) I didn't think it was the right behavior for a 34 year old mother to be out drinking that much and b) that I have no desire to control you but given the circumstances it bothers me that she doesn't come home and it is unclear what she is up to. Of course she projected and did the usual stuff about how "she knew I would be mad and act like this."
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Just jumping in here, but have had to deal w/this one once since the bomb was dropped. Now keep in mind my H does not say he wants out of the M - he is still "deciding" (gimme a break). He stayed out all night bc he drank too much & I told him - "As long as we are living under the same roof, with children, it is not appropriate for you to be staying out all night. What if something terrible happened to the kids (God forbid) and they needed their father? I understand we are in a very difficult situation right now in our R, but I would hope that we could live respectfully as roommates in the same house until we can figure things out."
I know you have already discussed things with her so it may be too late for this post, hopefully there won't be a "next" time, but just in case. I agree w/what you said in a), but, by adding the What if something terrible happened to the kids (God forbid) and they needed their father? - you are giving an explanation that is valid regarding your kids (takes the focus off of what "YOU" think). Remember our spouses are like teenagers...they are selfish, they do not care what YOU think & it helps if you can give them a "why" for your boundaries.
b) she does not care what bothers you right now. By saying something like I understand we are in a very difficult situation right now in our R, but I would hope that we could live respectfully as roommates in the same house until we can figure things out - it takes the pressure of the R. Hey let's respect each other...all I'm asking for is a roommate relationship...SAFE!
I know I'm not perfect, just thought it might help.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
