Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[Bagheera]

Greetings Earl Grey;

You are certainly NOT alone in your situation, and in feeling like you have let your wife paint you into a very unmasculine corner from which you see no escape. What you are experiencing is commonly called the Nice Guy Syndrome, which has the following symptoms (that I am shamelessly cutting and pasting from another site because I think the lists will speak to you):

Who is a nice guy?

• He is the relative who lets his wife run the show.
• He is the friend who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles.
• He is the guy who frustrates his wife because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved.
• He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else.
• He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat.
• He is the dependable guy at work who will never say "no," but would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him.
• He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all.

In general, nice guys share the following characteristics:

• Nice guys seek the approval of others.
• Nice guys try to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
• Nice guys put other people's needs and wants before their own.
• Nice guys sacrifice their personal power and often play the role of a victim.
• Nice guys tend to be disconnected from other men and from their own masculine energy.
• Nice guys co-create relationships that are less than satisfying.
• Nice guys create situations in which they do not have very much good sex.
• Nice guys frequently fail to live up their full potential.

In particular, you last paragraph:

An incident the other day had me think about something I have not in a very long time: the thought of just walking away. No warning, no threats. Just walking away, particularly when I’m told, in so many words, that I can’t be angry or display anger.

Made me think of the last item in the first list above: "He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all."

My strongest recommendation to you would be to go out, TODAY and get a copy of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover (it is also available in audio format if you prefer), and go through the chapters and exercises therein slowly and methodically. If you are going to achieve happiness in your life, it will require making some positive and rather revolutionary changes to YOURSELF, for *YOUR* own benefit. You need to work on YOU for a change, feel good about doing so, and stop trying to placate and please *her*.

You are really not as trapped as you feel that you are, and the journey to rediscovery and revitalize yourself as YOUR OWN MAN is one of the most worthwhile and rewarding journeys you will ever take. I can't tell you whether or not your wife will be there with you at the end of that journey...she may not be, but either way YOU will happier and more confident in YOURSELF as a man, and will be able to make your own life what you want it to be.

Alright -- I'm starting to sound like a commercial, so I'll stop here for now. Just know that there other men here who have had to make similar journeys, and have done so successfully: SillyOldBear, Strong&Alive, myself, as well as others. It CAN be done, and in such a way that enhances and improves your marriage greatly.

-- Bagheera