Hi everyone

Or should that be mostly overcast and miserable?

I seem to be back here with a working computer at last, so hopefully I should be around a bit more now to hang out.

Here is the old thread
Haphazard's last thread

It's a beautiful day here and I should be out in the garden planting bulbs and tidying up the beds, but I'm here with you guys instead - can you tell I'm addicted

H and I spent a lot of August away for long weekends etc and also the computer needed a complete overhaul. Not a very happy August and the less I could get here the more it all built up inside me so I felt I didn't really know where to start telling everything.

I just felt like I was back in old R, with H being uncommunicative, moody etc. I think most of it was due to him feeling very stressed about staying with other people and feeling very responsible for making sure the kids behaved well. Also he took time off work which he felt he couldn't afford so work stresses built up and built up. What I find very difficult with H is that he can't handle much stress and when he is stressed he goes very quiet and withdrawn on me even when it's not me causing the stress. I find that difficult to handle. He doesn't seem to want me to help him and I just end up feeling rejected and out of the loop. I also end up back-stopping on everything else, but I never get any thanks for that.

Things are getting a little better again now. Yesterday H called me Love-of-my-Life which is fantastic. But I didn't feel I could say the same to him. Don't know if I ever will.

Here is a quote from LL's post which hit home for me.

Quote:


is it safe to assume that when most of you got married...things were good? you were "in love" with eachother, you we're friends etc? ...

... I could accept his shortcommings because I could at least say to myself...he's honest, he dedicated, he's compassionate, he's loyal, he's ambitious, and he's a hard worker.



While my own situation is not identical to that, I knew when I first got together with H that the love was a decision on my part (yes right from the very beginning). Somehow although DB tells us that we should see love as a decision I wish at some point it had just been a feeling something I could look back on and think - yes we were there once we can be there again.

I feel I sold myself short when I married H. I had been hurt by previous break up. Hurt by stuff with my Dad too I guess and I just felt at that time I wasn't worthy of anything better.

OK Stop this negative thinking.

I do remember (although I can't remember why or how) that about a year before we decided to have kids (we were together 9 years before deciding to go for it). I did feel so crazy in love with H that I felt almost selfish keeping it all for myself. I felt like we had so much love for each other that there was more than enough to spare for kids. So what was going on then? I genuinely can't remember, I have no clue. I just remember this moment thinking that my heart would burst and that it was too much to just keep to ourselves alone. Maybe it was just broody brain chemistry?

This is a note I have written to H that I want to e-mail to him. What do you guys think?

Dear H,
One of the things I have read about in divorce-busting is asking for what you want, so here goes:

I only want 3 things from my marriage to you:

1. Quality time (this part is going well)

2. Cheerfulness. In other words if you agree to do something do it cheerfully or not at all.

3. Sobriety. Please try to reduce your alcohol consumption. It's costing you your mental health and happiness not to mention money. Look at this issue seriously please

If you can do these things then I think we can have a long and happy marriage together like we both know we want.

Tell me how or if I can support you and if that includes butting out then please say so.

Please tell me the things you want most from me, and I can get to work on them. If you've already told me then I'm sorry for forgetting. Please write them down so I can't forget. One thing I'll never forget is that I love you.

Is this any good, does it sound too demanding? What does anyone think?

OK now to head out into the sunshine. Hope you are having a great Sunday.


Fran

if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
Erica Jong