New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Traveldane,

THANKS for the reply. You made my day with your encouragement. One year is definitely a long time for me. But I take it one day at a time. And that's how I am able to cope this far. I even surprised myself with the amount of resiliency I have after one full year of separation. Someone told me that I WILL know when it's time to stop the wait. Well, I haven't felt it yet, TD. That's why I still hang on to the hope that my W will one day welcome me back.

I don't know if you read my thread. I still talk with my W each week as well as with each one of our boys. So that's still a blessing. When I called my W last THU, I extended an invitation to her to join the boys and I for a couple of days if she wanted to. She didn't say yes or no...just remained silent. I didn't push the issue, although deep inside I sure wish she says Yes so she can judge for herself how much I did change during the past year.

I hope this finds you well,TD. Many thanks for taking the time to encourage me. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I'll check back again soon.

JR09

[healthydad]

Hey JR09,
You sound good and strong - and like you're maintaining a healthy outlook. Glad to hear that in your voice.

Keep working on you and that changes you've made in yourself over the course of the year - it sounds like you're finding out more and more about yourself - and that's great. I know how hard it can be to be apart from one's children - I have a son from my first marriage as well - and there was a time (and will be again) when I was apart from him for a year...it was exhausting at times.

What else are you doing to work on yourself?

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

I work out a lot in the gym. Good therapy to let go of all the steam and frustration. I also became really good friends with my neighbors across the street. They have become a great source of support and comfort. A year ago, I would not have hung out with them or with anybody else (PTSD from Iraq...). But after my W and kids left, I just HAD to spread my wings and open up. My neighbors have now become very close friends. Big 180 for me indeed. And I LOVE it.

I also picked up the guitar as a hobby. It's very calming. I finally adopted a dog from the humane society. He is one big puppy and a great companion. It really helps with the loneliness.

One thing I never did was to take off my wedding ring, like a lot of people on this BB seem to do. I have never removed it even after my W left. This is how strong I believe that we'll be reunited someday. A constant reminder to be patient and loving no matter how hard it gets...

THANKS for checking in Carlos.

JR09

[healthydad]

JR09,
Your attitude is fantastic - and admirable. Have you had a chance to read many of Coach's postings here? He has a firm grip on the the idea of detached love - and how much it can help one grow stronger as the possibility of reconciliation stays alive. He also refers to the Stockdale Paradox often...and I think it holds truth for anyone that comes to this board - no matter what position they're in:

Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

I keep this quote in mind often, and summarize it for myself with the simple phrase, play the cards you are dealt...(though I don't play cards in real life at all)...

I didn't take off my wedding ring until my W finally moved out - but by then I had hit a turning point of my own...and could see that I had managed to love someone that was harmful to me and to my older son. She's a good person -just not the right person for me...that said, it was brutally difficult coming to terms with having her move out and break apart our little family...especially since our son was only 2.

It's good to have men like you on this board...I think that you'll inspire others here to be true to themselves...

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

THANKS for the encouragement. I don't know if I am any kind of inspiration to others. All I know is that DBing is the hardest task I've ever done thus far in my life. My main goals are to remain committed to taking care of myself, remain honorable, and hopefully get back with my W and kids someday.

Talk to you soon, Carlos.

JR09

[healthydad]

JR09,

I know what you mean about DBing as the hardest task you've ever done - it was/is for me as well...but there's something so unexpectedly rewarding in it. The key for me - and I say this knowing that I will not reconcile with my STBX - is that I had to learn to be happy on my own. I don't know if you've had occasion to read this other web site, but if not, you should check out divorce as friends dot com and read the article on letting go. Actually, there is a lot of good information there...much of it agrees with the DB approach - and some of the articles can help enhance one's understanding of why some things work as they do (for ourselves...if not for the spouse).

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

I briefly called my W tonight to discuss our link up next week when she'll drop off the boys to stay with me for 2 weeks. She was nice and pleasant. I just kept it short and said goodbye first.
I really wanted to talk more, but I thought I have to keep up with the DB techniques in LRT, try it, then watch and see what happens. I usually call every THU evening to say Hi to her (she asked me to do so 8 months ago)so I called to stay consistent.But I kept it short. I wonder what went thru my W's mind after I said goodbye first. Was it the right thing to do? Should I have asked her more how she was doing, etc?

Anyway, I am hanging in there after 1 year of separation. I just allowed myself for a few minutes to vent about how all this sucks and why doesn't my W get it that I love her more than before etc...

Then I stopped reacting emotionally and refocused on DBing. Can't just throw all this patience and change of attitude in a jiffy just because I am venting...Gotta keep the eye on the prize: work on myself, and getting my W back if at all possible.

Now is not the time to lose patience. 1 year is already a long time...

Thanks for reading.

JR09

[healthydad]

Hi JR09,

Good idea to vent here...heck let all that stuff out here...b/c that last thing you want to do is let your emotions trip you up while you're talking with her.

I just hit the one year since the bomb mark back in May...and, though my outlook differs from you - I think the work involved in getting to where we need to be stays the same regardless - and that comes down to being honorable - and ensuring that whatever changes we've made are real and lasting - and consistent.

Be kind to yourself, though, when it comes to having slips - how could it not happen? This stuff is among the most painful experiences any of us could ever go through.

I don't know if you've read my threads at all - but if you did, you would see that when I first arrived here I was a mess...and I spent many months turning to this site for a sense of hope - in my case, I think I put too much into asking how to "win" back my wife - which is partly why it took me so long to understand how important it was to work on myself.

Keep posting around the board- introducing yourself to more people - getting to know their stories. It's just incredible to me how much we can gain by offering others our perspective on their situation - sometimes we offer them the very advice we need to hear - but don't even see that until days/weeks later.

Work on yourself, and know that you will be fine no matter what happens.

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

THANKS for posting. You seem to be at peace with your STBX. Do you still hope it will have a happy ending? Isn't that the ultimate goal of DB, to have your wife back? I guess even if it doesn't happen but you manage to be at peace with all of it, then DB worked for your too.

Your calm serenity motivates me to hang in there.

THANKS Carlos.

JR09

[sandi2]

Hi JR,

I don't know anything else to add to the advice you've been given. Your hands are pretty much tied as to what you can do while in the Military and living that far away. The phone calls are you life line to her and I would suggest that you keep those up. You might right things down on paper as the week goes by and you think of things to tell her. Then when you have a silent moment you can look at you motes and find a subject to discuss.

I would be strickly guessing here, but it sounds to me that she is holding this D over your head to get something she wants. What is she trying to make you do? The only thing I've seen is her wanting you to get out of the military. She probably blames the Military for the negative changes it made in you and she feels that if you got out and got a regular job that you all could be a family again and your anger problems would be over. When you answered her rather short by saying you "had a job", then she knew there was no point in trying to pursue the subject at that time.

Are you planning to make the Military a career? If so, did she realize this all along? Has she talked to you about the possibility of getting out before? I'm wondering if what she said was out of the blue and took you by surprise. If so, then she needs to stop playing the D card and holding over you head and talk some sense to you about what it is she "really" wants. A couple gets nowhere beating around a bush like this.

I think you are doing all you can since things are set up like they are. I know everyone is telling you that, but what more can you do?

Check back with you later,
Sandi