Separated for 3 weeks now

[25yearsmlc]

PC

How long have you been married? How long have you been on the anti-depressants? Have you gotten therapy or are you now? Are you making ANY changes? 180's, GAL (getting a life, etc.)

Have you read the Divorce Busting books, which are the foundation for this site? START WITH THAT if you have not done so already. The terms used here are based on the "D-B-" series and its' unique approach to marital problem solving (it is 'solution based' therapy and IS different than most modern approaches and is another weapon in therapist's arsenal SO it is crucial to read those THOROUGHLY so you really let the info sink in and absorb b/c then you make the changes needed and monitor for results. If something is working or might be, keep it up and if it is definitely NOT working (backfiring is one example of NOT working, stop it immediately) but it does NOT require you rehashing issues from your childhood, etc. Much as we ALL want to fully understand our partners, at first when we find ourselves being left behind, we endlessly analyze and ask WHY? WHY? WHY? and WHAT TO DO????? Well, by the time you find yourself on this site, you have NO TIME to study the past much, so you focus on your goal of busting the divorce. That does NOT mean to argue. PLEASE READ THE BOOKS....Don't waste precious time trying to figure out what she meant 3 years ago at a party when she said "X and Y", etc.
Stay in the now and figure out what it's going to take to make this work out in the long run. SOME of it may feel counter intuitive; like you may feel like telling her you Need her/love her/ blah blah blah but that will smother her and she'll probably flee....BACK OFF....

When we say a man is controlling, we usually mean he is too bossy and wants things his way and the "other way" is the wrong way. Don't poo poo that. It almost always comes off as criticism too, meaning if you tell someone to do something your way, they must be "wrong" and after awhile that can sound like an endless barrage of criticism or negativity. Coming from a depressive person, it does not sound like a good mix. How long has she been complaining about your behaviors? Why didn't you do anything about it before? Is it b/c you (this is not an insulting question but an honest one) did not think you really needed to change but now realize that even if you are "right" you are losing her? So now you want to be happy, rather than right? Or better yet, both

And if you have been depressed for years then that is an unfair burden on her shoulders. Perhaps you can Apologize to her to make amends, and tell her you will NOW be taking care of your own happiness so she doesn't have to worry about that and be upbeat. You are HAPPY to be in charge of YOUR happiness (and you really ought to be, in all truth) Take that OFF her shoulders asap. It wasn't fair to her and it may have caused her to resent you.

Step back enough to see how you got here and that means looking in the mirror and that ain't easy. But we must do it to learn enough to change and to stay married in a healthy marriage. We eventually are brave or desparate enough to do so and we change...and when one person in a two person relationship changes, the Relationship Also Changes...period. So yes you can control SOME of this...and that ONE part that you can control, is YOU......and only you.....remember this.

when we find ourselves HERE on THIS SITE...we don't have the time to analyze our childhoods (But will have to someday IF the issues from childhood STILL affect our adult choices and they OFTEN DO...but for now, you must focus on what improves the relationship and brings you closer to your wife. It may be that distance does that in the long run, ironically.

WAS's need to figure things out on their own and you cannot control them or work out detailed machinations designed to manipulate, AND EXPECT TO WIN HER BACK...that's something that will backfire.

If she thinks you are sucking out her life's energy and are a negative influence on her life (sure would help me to know details but you keep withholding so I'm flying blind here....)

then you need to show her that staying married to you would somehow be DIFFERENT and you show that by BEING DIFFERENT....

presumably b/c of a new med or a higher dose or some new behavioral therapy--in other words, something in you is changing
so she can feel motivated to try again.

What does SHE SAY (not you mind reading, but her actual words and examples of) she wants from life or a husband, and what does she SAY you are doing wrong or not doing enough of?

Now, What do YOU THINK she means/feels? Why?

Once we know some or all of these things, then we can talk. Otherwise we don't have enough data from which we can form intelligent opinions and advise accordingly.

Read the books, now. Back off now, give her space and start acting and behaving in a way that contrasts with the negative images she has created about M to you. She had to do that to justify her actions. You cannot worry about that though, OM (other man) right now IF there is one and OR IF there is a physical relationship. You'll get MORE depressed and needy and obessing which does NOT help. You are not in a position to address that, if you can't get her to sit down and decide to stay married - you surely can't tell her to stop a relationship. Not yet anyhow...you'll have your chance but for now, we'll

Keep in touch. You are in the right place as sad as that is now.
As you can see from my signature block, some marriages do get saved. Read faithfulH's thread if you can find it b/c his has as well. There other sections on this site that will help you cope, including how it is to deal with a depressed spouse ...so you can see your w's position from her stand point. IT must have been hard on her.

Get some insights into what you need to do.BTW, Do NOT GIVE HER THE Divorce Busting Books to read...they are for YOU ONLY. Trust us on that.

Good luck, and keep on posting,

j-