I, Everything that you've written comes from the mlc script. Wanting to live in the house a couple of days a week, but doesn't want you to think that a reconcilation is down the road. It's not about your daughter at all, it's about what he wants and he doesn't want to inconvenience himself or his ow. I do think that there is still a connection with you and the house and that's one of the reasons he's wanting to stay there. He'll never admit it, but it's a sick way of being w/his child. He left, and yet, he wants to live under the same roof a few days each week.
As for the ow's vehicle, I understand where you are going, but you must put your child first. If this will give her time w/her father and a way to get out to other activities, there shouldn't be a problem, just as long as the ow isn't around her. Keep in mind, the more you try to stop him from inviolving the ow in your child's life, the more determined he will be to do so.
As for acknowledging the family events, you did well. You should them that you have nothing to be sorry for and it let's them know that you are not lowering yourself to the level of your h. However, please remember...blood is thicker than water and we do not know what he's told them. They do love to lie and make the story about us being mean, hateful, etc. for their excuse to leave.
Your h is in crisis and he's going about it the same way as many of them. That's why it's very important to drop the rope and continue on w/your life and do the best you can for you and your daughter. Take it one day at a time.
BTW, I do hope that you are feeling better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much the post above and for your best wishes for my health. I am still in quite a lot of pain and am on consistent pain killers but it is keeping things in obeyance for the time being. but its struggle; I am no as mobile as what I would ideally like to be. yes, its important I guess to be reminded that my H is in a form of crisis. I am fighting very hard against my own demons to GAL and trying hard not to take his relationship with OW into my immediate sphere. My H has and is making it quite clear that he does not want to be a part of that sphere. My Mum and I took my elderly neighbour out for a gorgeous lunch today, it is a glorious summer day here. She is 90 and is nearly fully blind but an amazing woman and great chat. She is a real inspiration. My H has been very close t her over the past 6 years. I think that its important to note that he hasn't said one word to her since leaving 6 months ago. She was a joy to spend time with and it made me feel good inside. I am a loving, giving, good person. I dont play games. I care about people and their feelings.He has lost sight of that. Interestingly, something I forgot to mentioned in the last posting. My H mentioned in mediation yesterday about our sleeping arrangements in the house. My h has always been a chronic snorer and has never tried to fix it in the ten years that we have been together; hence I have for teh large majority of our marriage needed to sleep in a separate bed for my own health. We have had a room built in the garden with a bed, I often slept out there. I was so sad. I missed him. For over a year before he left I slept out there. He used to come out to be with me but rarely. He made a comment yesterday about where we are all sleeping. there is an attic bedroom above our D's bedroom where my H used to sleep. I mentioned that I had slept there quite a few times to be near our D. He freaked out. "how dare you sleep in my bed? That is my bed and my room. I would never presume to go and sleep in your bed!" When I reminded him that it wasn't MY bed he retorted "it is your bed, our room, all of your clothes are there, all of your possessions. It is your bed". I simply stated No, it is OUR bed, our marital bed. Dead silence.
Not sure what to make of all of that.......
God bless Snodderly, thanks for your ongoing support, wisdom and encouragement. I x
I really need your advice and help so if you can please do post back. It is my birthday on Tuesday. I have organised to fly to London late Monday night to spend my birthday with one of my best friends who lives there with her family. I wanted to spend it with someone who really wants to see me and where I can be away from the sitch here and not reminded of my H etc. I am flying late Monday night and wanted to have dinner with my D7 and my Mum but my H usually has our D on Monday eve until 7.30. My Mum mentioned this to him yesterday, because I was at work, and he responded by saying:
* He is more than happy for our D to have dinner and in fact he is happy to pay for EVERYONES meal at my favourite restaurant and he is also very happy to come too, if I would like him to, for either dinner or even just a drink. * Has bought two small presents for our D to give me. * Has said that he will also be buying me a present from him.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.......
Do I accept especially keeping in mind the circumstances? If he was still angry or resentful (feelings and emotions still there) then would he agree to do this. Yet if he was indifferent would he bother buying me a present or paying for dinner.It hurts if it is fully indifference; hen he has truly moved on and has o feelings for me anymore?
I don't want to get my hopes up but I don't want to be walked over either. he is still with OW......
Its hard because if I could think of my perfect birthday dinner it would be at that restaurant, with my H, D and Mum. And if I accept then that's what I will have.
Except the underlying reality of our lives is radically different.
I, It's your call. If you feel that you and your family would be on pins and needles the entire time, I wouldn't do it. You could also go for him coming for a drink. If you opt to do this, be sure to thank him for doing it and let it go.
I think you are doing the right thing in flying over to London for your special day. You need a break and this is a very good way of getting away from it for a while.
I do find it rather odd that he's being so gracious in wanting to pay for the dinner, etc. I really do not trust him and usually when they are nice, they are up to something. Keep your eyes and ears open.
Listen to your gut instinct and if it says no, then don't do it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am not one to give advice so I wont, but I too dont see any way we are coming back together we DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT AT ALL....Snodderly says that is part of MLC that he will eventually call for something.but I like you know him so well he is commited to her and has moved on to make a life with her...dont know if I can really say that anymore..right now the person who he has become I dont know at all.... I just had to put this in here, but the last time I was with him in his home where he lives back when he was still saying the infamous I DONT KNOW everytime I asked a question about us, that was the last time we were together as husband and wife....he was hesitant about being with me as a wife.....I asked him what is wrong? Do you feel like you are cheating on her with me? He nodded yes..I couldnt help but bust out laughing at that.....you cheated on me now you dont want to cheat on her....I dont know why but lately I have been remembering things like this, I say in the past 2 months...Snodderly what does this mean if anything? I pray we both come out of this mess a better person God bless I am off to church
Hi everyone just a quick post to say that I have decided that I don't want my h to join us for my birthday dinner tonight. It would be too upsetting. He hasn't Sked me directly only through mymum and so therefore I don't feel an obligation to respond either way so I haven't. He has just been home and bought another two small presents formy daughter to hive to me, no present from him as promised just a card which I will read later. He had no intention of doing anything tonight with us. He left the house quickly after dropping d off and made a flippant gesture to mum to send the bill from dinner tonight to him and he will reimburse the money I feel like I am going to throw up I am insulted. I don't want his money it means nothing. I am moving into a new phase now. I have had enough. Truly had enough. He has nointerest in me at all. I have been his partner and wife for ten years and this? I deserve better. I want to move on really move on. I am sick of being rejected and feeling like I don't matter or exist, in fact I do. Enough is enough
I do hope you enjoyed your special day w/your family. I do not blame you in not wanting him to be a participant in your special day celebration.
I, go on w/your life as if he's not going to return. He's just so into himself right now, that he can't see anything but himself in the mirror. You are going to be okay no matter what.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Its been a while since I posted but wanted to touch base with you. Things have been quiet this end, I had a lovely birthday in London with my friends which was great. My h and I don't talk now, only contact is via email at my insistence. At this stage I have needed to put up boundaries and it simply hurts too much to see him and to speak with him. He is fine with that, indifferent I would say. He makes no effort to contact me otherwise. There is no care, no interest in my life. No questions about my health, about my work which I am managing to get a little bit of over the next few months to tide me over until I get back to my main job in September. I have thought that this is WAH/MLC but he is so indifferent. He is still living with OW, maintaining regular contact with D7 etc. He has redirected all of his mail now to an alternative address. He is now not even behaving like he is angry anymore, just very polite and civilised in the emails. No anger or resentment. I am detaching because it is helping me that I dont have to see him. But i am grieving for the man I married. I am trying to move on every day, I have good friends and a wonderful daughter. But in the quieter moments I sob and sob. My health is still quite bad but am going back to hospital this coming Friday fora consultation so I am hoping for a bit more clarity on my sitch. I feel all hope is lost now for my marriage. It has only been 6 months but i feel what has happened in that time has been catastrophic.He has turned into such a selfish man. I hope that you are all well. Looking forward to hearing from you soon I hope. I x
I, I'm very sorry to read that your health isn't any better. I do hope that they can find something to help you. I'm very pleased that the trip to London turned out well. I do hope that you enjoyed yourself. What did you do while you were there?
I think you've done the right thing to insist on emails for now. The verbal abuse is far too hurtful and creates so much anxiety and hurt for you. At least with email, you can either read them or delete them w/o really doing much w/them. Well, I can assure you of this, if you rock his little boat, the anger will surface again. As long as you are not discussing marriage and the relationship, he'll be just fine.
I, take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself and know that it takes patience to move forward. If you fall back a few steps, do not get discouraged. We all have done this. It's very normal.
I hope that you are feeling better soon. Give your daughter a hug for me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I I also hope that you will be feeling better soon emails are probab;y a good choice for now as seeing him is still to painful grieving is difficult, but it is the road to our freedom continue on your road..One day the pain disappears and we the LBS feel good again hold on to it..you are going to be OK- peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
