I wanted to tell you that I identify with so much of what you have said. I also hope that you will detach yourself from that friend. I have had to do the same thing with people who wanted to be my friend but who were not healthy for me. It is not pleasant, but it is necessary. Maybe your H doesn't say anything, but I bet when you complain and talk about that friend to him....he gets tired of hearing it. I am basing that on what my H told me once and I haven't forgotten it. We don't realize how a friendship with another person affects our MR. But it does. So, for your own emotional health and for the sake of your M, please stop the friendship with that woman. Anytime we have a R with another person who makes us feel the way you feel.....it needs to end. You do not owe her anything. You feel obligated b/c she was there for you, but look where you were! I don't see her being the kind of friend anybody needs and I can almost promise that she will find somebody else when you detach from her. She is the type to drain people of their energy and emotions and everything else that she can get from them and then move on to the next victum.
I also understand so well what you are saying about your H. I am so thankful that I woke up in time to see what I was doing and that I still have my M with this man today. I also understand the shame and the embarrassement and how you would almost die if anyone discovered what you did. I know how you feel. It was the hardest thing in this world for me to try to find a place of forgiveness for "Sandi". I felt God had forgiven me, and my H had.....but I just couldn't seem to get there. It took a long time......a long time! But it finally came. Yes, I still have regrets and I would be terribly embarrassed if anyone found out, but I knew that I was not doing myself of my M any good by continually beating myself to a pulp every day. I don't think we can move forward as long as we allow our "guilt" to hold us down. It's not just for our good but for those we love. It's not fair to our H's to stay in a guilt ridden place.
I am concerned about your sexual R with your H. He clearly is not being what you desire and I'm sure you are more than a little frustrated about it. You know he's a good man and you love him and don't want to hurt his feelings. You know his ego took a terrible beating when you had the A and that is probably why he is approaching you in the LM like he is. Was he like this before the A when things were good?
We women know how fragile men's ego are and it makes it very difficult to know how to approach the subject of what they are doing wrong in bed. That is one things they sure don't want to be told they are not doing great! However, I think most men want to know they are really pleasing their woman. Now, I don't agree about telling him your fantasies. B/c most of our fantasies don't include our H. Or is that just me? Anyway, I do agree that you could tell him what you fantasize of him doing for you sexually. Tell him that at this time in your life you need a mucho man who takes his woman and throws her down and has his way with her. None of this softie stuff and baby-talk! I agree with you sister! It is a huge turn-off. ARE YOU LISTENING GUYS?
Maybe some of the men could chime in to give hints as to how to break it to him. Instead of pointing out what he's doing "wrong", tell him what you are dreaming of him doing. Have the two of you ever played out a fantasy? Like tell him this "role" or "personality type" you want him to protray and see how he does that and if he doesn't know how, then you may have to guide him through it the first time.
Now me......I was very silly b/c I wanted my H to just read my mind and know what I wanted. However, I have learned that he can't read my mind and if I tell him.....it is so much better than not saying anything and carring that frustration around until it builds up into a bad situation.
WDID, I hear you loud and clear, sweetie! I understand about wanting to feel that sexual excitment and knowing that other men find me attractive, and the flirting makes you feel alive and like a woman. It makes us feel pretty. But, that was what got me into my trouble with OM. Thankfully, I feel that that has passed. It doesn't seem to bother me that way anymore. It is a real relief to feel like I'm back to normal. It took a long time for me to start feeling any warm feelings toward my H. But, I can happily say that things are good now and I feel confident it will last.
I want you to be okay, sweetie. I want you to come here and spill your guts. Do whatever you need to do to get to a better place in your life. I think you are still having some delicate spots and need to be handled carefully.
Come over to the Piecing Forum and find me at Sandi's Place. I would love to hear from you anytime.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Or is that just me? Anyway, I do agree that you could tell him what you fantasize of 
