WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Your W may be keeping you in "storage" (so to speak) in case this other life she's pursuing doesn't work out for her. Doesn't make you feel better to think that, but maybe it's better than her having a lot of hatred like most WAW's have toward their LBH.

Sandi,

I really don't know what would be better, her being like the typical WAW that's full of anger/hatred or the roller coaster that my wife is putting me through. I really don't know what this other life is that she's pursuing, but the last time she came over to watch our kids when I went to talk to a recruiter, she had brought over some self help book talking about the secret to the finding success and happiness in life. I forget the name of the book, but thought it was odd.

Her favorite book is actually "The Secret" which talks about something similiar (in fact she mentioned that I should read it she thinks it would help me). She had said that she wanted to share it with me in the past but knew I wouldn't be receptive to it. She thinks that I'm of a different mindset know and may actually appreciate it. Not sure if that's her way of saying that she see's that I've changed or what....

I am still very concerned about your boys. I want to encourage you to be extremely careful in the answers you give to their questions. Let me show you an example of how your 7 yr. old is quoting you:

My 7 year old told my 3 year old "No, this was her choice."

Now, I realize there are a lot of sharp little kids out there these days, but that sounds too much like what he's heard daddy say about mommy. In fact, I'm almost certain that you posted where you've told the boys that it was her choice if she did or didn't do something.

I know I do have to be careful of what I say and how I say it. I know I've made mistakes in the past that you've pointed out to me. Right now, when they bring things up about her, I try to change the topic or say that it's an adult thing that mommy and daddy are working out.

Ever since my cousin, who's parent are divorced, told me that her greatest pain growing up was being scared for her parents. She was scared how her mom was going to make it as well as her dad (who was a bum who never worked).

So I'm much more sensitive to my boys feeling scared or sad, either for themselves or for me. I'm trying to be the rock for them as I should be. It is hard sometimes as I do catch myself tearing up occassionally when I see them so happy and full of life. They are the ones who are paying the greatest price and will bear the greatest burden in this ordeal. I know I need to be sure that I do not add to it.

Thanks for the 2x4 in reminding me of that.

I tell you what I would do if I were in your place and saw the reaction that my children had when they were not able to talk to their other parent on the phone. If they seem to be more devasted and feel "rejected" by her when she isn't home to talk to them.....if that seems worse than "not" phoning....then I would tell her that she can call when she's available to talk to them b/c you are not going to watch them go to bed with their hearts broken. It is not fair to them.

That's a good suggestion, I will talk to her about that the next time an opportunity presents itself.

I think somewhere deep down in your soul, you are still wanting to make that contact with her but the boys are your shield to the real reason for calling. Maybe you try to cover up your own emotions when you hear that voice mail come on the phone, but the kids may be able to read your face.....and we both know that's not good for them. You cannot make her be a good mother and be home to call the kids. Does she not have a cell phone? You see, this is your way of finding out she's not home and it upsets you. Right? You can deny it, but I know it is true. Sometimes people are blind to their own actions, so I'm just trying to point out a possibility.

Whether I call her cell or her apt phone, I would know whether she is out or not. I don't even talk to her when the kids call to say goodnite. I just do the dialing for them and my boys know how to hang up the phone when it's done.

Pearsonally, I don't want to know whether she is home or not. I thinks that's one of the reasons why I am so reluctant to call her (which is why it is easy for me to maintain dark of not initiating any contact). Mentally and I'm working on the emotional piece of it, she has filed for divorce and left me. As Wifey pointed out, the old relationship and marriage is gone, there is nothing left. All I can do is try to develop a new relationship with her so she will see a CIPA that only a fool will leave.

I may have knocked the props out that I built up last night. I hope not, b/c I only want you to learn from this so that you can be more objective in the future. Pain clouds our judgment as parents, S's, friends, ....in every way we are a person! It often times takes somebody who is detached from the problem to see.

Sandi - I hope you realize by now that nothing that you "say" will ever take away any respect that I have for what you offer. I know it true act of kindness and compassion to "tell it like it is" even if it may be painful, but it is for my own good. I know that I'm not the most emotionally intelligent person in the world (remember I am a DAM) so I appreciate you taking the time to offer your thoughts and support.

I hope your continue to feel better and stay healthy.

Thank you