H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[glamgirl]

I have been reading Dawn, but not posting much with lack of time. I would ask your h if he could add you to his insurance. What would be the harm in asking? He knows your medical situation.

You could also look for a free clinic. Also many times you can get generic presciption for AD's for like $4 per month. You could check the cost at Walmart etc. Call around. Pharmacy's are also willing to price match. I have done all of this with h's AD's when he didn't have insurance, so I know it works or ask your h to pay for your meds. It's a shame that you going without.

Maybe this is part of your seclusion. You do need to get out more and stop obsessing about ow and your possible future with your h. Focus on the now and what you can do today to bridge that gap with your h. Unless you bridge that gap, you will never have a chance to reconcile.

Glad to see you are posting again. Thanks for stopping by.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Dawn...

For now.. WELL DONE on moving things to the basement!! You are very strong to have a clear out like that.

As for this "I keep thinking about how I feel that he's permanently contaminated now--that circle can never be re-closed, even if we do reconcile. It's not so much a matter of the possibility of him comparing the two of us".. I was worried too, becuase bf was having sex with Helen for 7 months and I heard that she was very "dirty" in bed, so taht was NOT nice. But you know what? It doesnt matter in the end.. I thought I coulndt sleep with him for a while, that I wanted him to get tested, taht I saw him as contaminated.. but it all faded away once the love was back in his eyes and we were suddenly in bed, in that situation. I think the brain switched off and the body took over!

As for friends.. I had few of my own friends when we were together before, so I posted here often about how lonley I was. It took about a year I would say before I had built friendships back up with people.. and yes, I had to be persistent and do all the running and make a fuss of people and make TIME for them, or just spend time and play with their kids, take flowers, listen to their problems etc.. so.. just keep plugging away, dont give up?

xxx

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Glam, and Ali, thank you for stopping in and posting to me! I so appreciate it!!

Glam, I guess the reason I don't want to ask about being on H's medical insurance is that it seems like bad DBing, putting pressure on him with little hope of a good result. He knows perfectly well that I need insurance, and also that I don't have money coming out my ears to pay for it, and yet he tells me he doesn't have the option to put me on his insurance (which is apparently a lie, to save himself money and hassle and connection to me), so I kinda feel like he's already turned me down. It _is_ a shame I'm going without...but I think he allows it because he wants me to take responsibility for myself rather than relying on him (or someone) to bail me out. It's true that I could have been better all along about being independent, but...I suppose it's a matter of perspective. <sigh>

Last time he was here, he asked me if I had enough to eat (because of my financial sitch). I have gained back some of the weight I lost on the MLC diet--although I'm still maybe a size 4, so I'm not too huge--so I was tempted to say, "Do I look like someone who can't get enough food??" I was also tempted to say, "And if I said 'No, I don't have enough to eat,' what would you do then?" But I didn't do any of that. Also, when I mentioned a medication that I have been giving the cats, he said, "You're buying medication for the cats but not for yourself?" I considered a lot of answers, but finally settled on just saying, "Yes." He wanted to know why, and I said something about how the cats rely on me for everything, including to do the right thing by them.

Right now it's not so much the money that stops me from the meds...my doctor said we could change to one of the $4 prescriptions, which I have taken in the past, although I would still have to pay the $100+ fee for the doctor visits every few months. I go through this every time I go off ADs: I don't want to go back on, because of annoying side effects, and also because I want to be able to get away from taking any drugs, period, much less something that is long-term.

One of the problems with depression is that there's no definitive blood test for it or anything; it's very much trial and error what is the best way to deal with it, especially since it is so nebulous and hard to get one's arms around the whole thing, and it varies so much from one day to the next. I keep asking myself, if I feel better, if I can keep that up...and if I feel worse, I wonder how much longer I will feel worse, and all the time I know that any med I start will take 6 weeks or so to begin helping me, and maybe I would feel better on my own before that? Is it worth trying? Can you see the problem? Besides which, it is hard to remember how much better you felt on meds when you are off of them, and vice versa, and you wonder if they really make that much of a positive difference. I suspect it's easier for someone who sees the depressive on a regular basis (like daily) to answer that than it is for the depressive herself, and I don't have anyone in that role for me any more. I know, from therapy, that my depressive brain LIES to me, so I have to take all of my moods and thoughts with a grain of salt, which doesn't help the self-confidence or self-esteem.

Ali, thanks for your insights about the sex/contamination thing. I hope I get a chance to have that experience! I haven't seen a lot on the boards about that (maybe there's more of it on infidelity or piecing?), but I can't help but wonder a little, although I don't spend a lot of time on it.

Also, thanks for the encouragement about friends. This is one of the areas I have not done well with, but I'm starting to come out of my shell and reconnect with people in RL. I got a call out of the blue today from an older lady at my church, whom I've chatted with a few times over the years that we've both been members there, who had seen my name on the prayer list (my sitch isn't listed, just my name, so it's my choice what to tell people), and called to tell me she was praying for me and see if there was anything she could do to help me. She didn't know anything about why I was on the prayer list, but I told her a little about my sitch and she was very kind. I haven't gotten to know her very well, but I've always liked her--she's pretty lively for her age. She told me she would love to have me call her up and have lunch together, and she seemed serious, so this lady 30 or 40 years older than me may be the beginnings of an answer to my prayers about needing more local friends! I've never had any close friends more than a few years older or younger than me, but hey, I'll take whatever I get! Thank you, God!

I'm trying to collect the nerve (and the funds) to start painting the inside of my house, now that I have removed a lot of what was on the walls. We've owned the house for 18 years (it's almost 30 years old), and it hasn't been painted at all since we bought it. And all the walls are this boring beige color, and getting pretty marked up by now, and I really _hate_ beige! I've never painted anything other than artwork before, so it's a little intimidating for me, but one of my good neighbors is a retired housepainter, so I have him as a resource.

It will be a little ironic, me painting the house, considering that for years H complained about the lack of change/decoration in our house, and I would beg him to help me get started with the painting, because he had spent an entire summer during college painting a school, and I had no experience with it at all...and somehow the painting just never happened. In fact, the last time he was here, he commented once again on the lack of change, slanted toward the lack of signs of him here (to which I really wanted to snap, "Well, you chose to move out six months ago, why should you expect to see signs of you here?" but of course I said nothing, as usual). Of course, this was over a month ago, before I moved a lot of wedding pictures and such to the basement, so it wasn't really that different from when he did live here, and there weren't a lot more signs of _me_ here than there were him. I'm really feeling the decluttering bug hitting me hard. I guess--actually, I KNOW--it has to do with wanting to clear out all this emotional clutter and start fresh...although there is a lot of stuff I don't feel right about just getting rid of, for a variety of reasons, but I'm starting to reshuffle it to places where it's not in my face, at least. If it weren't for the expense, I'd set up a storage locker and move it all there, so it would be off of my property (better feng shui).

Boy, am I tired. I'd better get off the computer before I wake up and find the imprint of the keys on my forehead.

Thanks for listening and posting.

Peace,
Dawn

[glamgirl]

Dawn I understand the painting of the walls. H and I recently painted the kids rooms, hall and bath and they look fabulous. They were stark white before and all scuffed up. The paint just made the house feel more alive lived in and warm. We have yet to paint the master bath and bedroom. I am picking up more paint this coming weekend, since I have some coupons to save money that expire the end of this month.

H and I had no clue what we were doing, but when his parents saw the work we did they said very professional looking. We were pleased on the outcome, but it was really hard work. It sounds like you do need to spruce up the place. It can really help with your attitude and living life. Before I kept thinking how I hated the place. Now I am thinking I love it. It feels so homey now and I am more incentivised to keep our home cleaner if that makes sense.

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Glam, thanks for posting! You helped me feel a little more confident about the painting. First, though, I am tackling opening the pool all by myself, which I have never done before and it's really a challenge. I had to pump the water off the cover, then figure out how to get the cover off without dumping all the crud from the top back into the water (it's heavy, especially with all the wet leaves and pine needles), then drag it to the front yard and spread it out on the grass and hose it off, all while running the pump to drain the yucky old water so I can start with fresh (have learned over the last few years not to bother trying to perk it up with chemicals, cause you can never really get it in good shape...just drain it and start with fresh water). That was what I did today, although I haven't finished draining the water out of the pool yet, so I'll have to finish that tomorrow. I really am pretty proud of myself...H always handled opening and closing the pool, although I always helped with anything he asked, and a lot of stuff is really easier with two people.

Now I smell a bit like a swamp, so I'd better go get cleaned up. It's a pretty messy job.

Peace,
Dawn

[In Limbo]

Dawn,

You go, girl! Don't you just love the feeling of accomplishing that? I'm proud of you!

IL

[Dawn of Hope]

Thanks, IL! Yes, it does feel good!

Had to put the pool on hold today due to a work deadline. Will get finished with the draining and cleaning tomorrow (I still have at least one frog in there too!), and get the holes patched (way overdue for a new liner, but too expensive for me), then start filling it up with nice fresh water! Maybe it will be ready to swim in (and warm enough) by the end of the weekend!

I'm looking forward to doing something with friends on Friday...every year, this local group puts on a full professional presentation of one of Shakespeare's plays, at a stage set up in a large, well-known park in the city (it was the site of a World's Fair a century or so ago). It's free, and something like 100,000 people attend each year (it's 6 nights/week for a month). This year they are doing "Merry Wives of Windsor." My friends and I take a full picnic and go early to stake out our spot on the lawn in front of the stage (you can bring either blankets or lawn chairs). We get there two or three hours before the show starts, because by the opening curtain, people are just about climbing trees to find places to sit. We bring our blankets and spread out so that we aren't cramped, especially since we know that people will be squeezing in at all the edges of our blankets before long. It is WAYYY fun, and one of my friends should have been a chef, so the picnic part is seriously good. I'm just hoping the weather is cooperative...we've had a LOT of rain this week, and more is expected every day through the weekend.

Okay, gotta go eat something and take a shower and check on my cats, who are sitting in a dark house outside my office door. I actually feel pretty good overall today...and that's newsworthy!

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Wow, it's been a while. Have I lost everybody?

My pool is still not up and running. I patched it up and started filling it, but then it started ripping out again, and I found out I had not prepared the patches properly (never having had to do this before), so I had to redo some, and since then it has just been a losing battle of having the liner rip faster than I can patch it. Most of the holes are all along one side, with the result that I now have close to 30 feet of rips (mostly of about a foot wide) on one 32-foot side of the pool. There is no doubt whatsoever that the liner needs replacing, but there is no way I can afford that without financial help, and I refuse to ask H for help on that when he doesn't live here. I don't know if there is any way to get this pool running this year, which would be a shame. I can't just close it up and leave it--it would turn into a swamp in short order--and I can't leave it without water at all until next year, because it would mess it up over the winter (it would heave up out of the ground or something). In the last 2 weeks, I have also relocated 10 frogs from the pool to a nearby pond. Just another sign of the plague I am living through...!

I still have no medical insurance, although I did look into it. The expert I contacted about it told me it would be in his best interests to write me a policy, because that's how he makes his money, but he advised me that it would be in my best interests to get H to put me on his insurance, since H's claim that he can't do so is bogus (assuming he has insurance for himself, which he hasn't made clear to me). Being on H's insurance is the only way to get coverage for my pre-existing conditions (like depression), but I can't really afford any insurance at all if I have to pay for it myself.

Yesterday I made arrangements to disconnect my home phone (so my cell number will be all I have), which means that I will no longer be reachable via the number I've had for 17 years. I had been considering this since H left--he suggested it, but didn't push--but hadn't gone through the process because I didn't want the hassle, especially that of trying to figure out who all needed to be notified. I finally decided it was time. The home phone rarely rings anyway, and mostly it's people asking for money. And this will save over $700.00 per year--of H's money, since he is paying the utilities and the mortgage.

I am starting to get accustomed to seeing the house without all the pictures of H and me (and related items) that I took down and stuffed in the basement in a frenzy a few weeks ago (there are a few still up, but not many). I am more comfortable without all of that staring at me. Then, just yesterday, I stashed (again in the basement) something that had been bothering me for a while--this was something that I saw looming on the shelf in the master bedroom closet every time I went in there, multiple times a day. It's a set of large foam wedges designed as sexual props. I really couldn't stand seeing those (they're pretty big) and thinking about the fact that, because of my beliefs and values, I may have been forced into celibacy for the rest of my life because of my H's choices. I feel a lot better without those things in there, even looking at the empty space and knowing what used to be stored there. Unlike some of the other things I've relocated in the house, I feel no need to save them for H (I'm thinking OW wouldn't be keen on using them, knowing he used them with me!), but I'm not sure where to dispose of them. Ya think Goodwill would take used sex toys? Hey, they're fully washable!

I haven't heard from H since he called in early May to tell me about his car accident coming back from visiting OW, and I haven't actually seen or spoken to him since a week or so before that, so that's close to two months. He came to get our 3rd car (to drive while his was in the shop) while I was asleep, and I figured he would contact me to bring it back when his car was ready a week later, but he hasn't, leading me to wonder idly what he's doing with two cars when I don't think he even has garage space for one wherever he's living, and there is empty space in the garage here (and he's been big on garaging cars in the past).

I also realized yesterday when going through paperwork that the 3rd car's registration is due by the end of this month, and the personalized plates for it need to be picked up at a particular license office (which I am sure he doesn't know), and I just paid the insurance on it and the insurance cards are here (and those have to be shown to renew the registration). And I bet he doesn't have a clue that he needs to deal with this (or at least bring the car back so that I can deal with it). I've wondered whether to contact him about this, but I really think it's much too trivial to break a nearly 2-month silence for.

People keep telling me that I need to contact H about this, that or the other (medical insurance, swimming pool, other business matters). But I won't do it. I am not sure if it has gotten to the point of me simply holding out due to stubbornness, or if it still falls in the "wisdom" category. I know I feel better when I don't have to deal with him. It is definitely more peaceful in my life when he's not around, even though he doesn't yell or harrass me or anything when we do speak, and last time I saw him, he told me to let him know if his mail was piling up (which it really isn't). It's more like stirring up dirt that has settled at the bottom of a pond. If I don't see him or talk to him, it's easier to avoid making comparisons between the way he treats me now and the way he treated me for over 20 years. I just really, really don't want to talk to him any more, not as long as he's acting the way he has been in the last couple of years. I don't wish for him to die, or for anything else bad to happen to him unless it is necessary to "wake him up," but if I were forced to choose between having him die while I still felt loved by him, versus having him cheat and lie and betray me...it would be no contest.

My birthday is coming up this Wednesday (July 1). I never quite know what to do about my birthdays. I'm not afraid of them, since I am not disturbed by my age at all (I will be 43 this year), but I have to admit that up until last year I depended on someone else to make my birthday special for me.

I would be surprised if H contacted me for the occasion. Last year he was still living at home, but it was over 8 months post-bomb, and instead of the usual flurry of cards and gifts (something he was always terrific about--but then he encountered OW for the first time only a week after my previous birthday), he just wished me a happy birthday when he left for work that day; no cards or gifts. When he got home that evening and asked what I was doing that night, he seemed very surprised to hear that instead of waiting around for him to come up with something, I had made plans with friends who were taking me to dinner. He said, "Oh! Um...I was going to ask if you wanted to go out for dinner for your birthday." Instead of saying, "Thanks for nothing, you &*%!@#$," I graciously invited him along, which he accepted. And that was it.

His last birthday was five months ago, at which point he had not made contact with me for six weeks (kinda like now, although at the time it was by far the longest we had gone without communication since we first met, in 1985). After much internal debate, I decided to at least acknowledge the occasion in a small way, so I sent him a text (for only the second time ever), and just said "Happy Birthday!" He never acknowledged it, which was what I expected. But I felt that I had made the best choice for me at the time.

Well, this got much longer than I intended. I also talked a lot more about H than I intended, but I try to mostly keep him in the background in my head these days instead of being obsessed, and I usually just go about my business. I am performing in a piano recital this afternoon (I have been taking lessons for 10 years, one of the GAL activities that preceded the bomb which I have firmly held on to continuing) and I need to get some rest before then.

In the last week, I have been shaking my head sadly over the news about the philandering politicians, and wondering if the stories about them and about the pain endured by their spouses will trigger the tiniest of cracks in any of our WAS's crazy thinking. What a long, strange trip it has been...

Thanks to all who are still following along with my ramblings!

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Okay, I know I just posted for the first time in a couple of weeks, but I could use some encouragement. I just got off the phone after 2 hours of conversation with my friend, the one who's in her second marriage but is hopelessly in love with another man, and is devastated because OM no longer wants her. Yeah, we are having SO much fun trying to find common ground for discussion these days.

Anyway, most of the conversation revolved around her and OM, but she mentioned in passing something about conversations she had had recently with my H (she doesn't tell either of us much about what the other is saying--that's how she manages to stay friends with us both). She told me that my H says things to her like, "Well, up until a month ago, I would have been willing to do such and such, but now I'm not so sure" (referring to something or other about our M). See, this is why it is easier for me not to have any contact with him. I haven't heard anything out of his mouth to truly give me any hope or encouragement since the very beginning of all of this. If he says something positive, it's weighed down by so many negatives that it drowns.

It didn't help that my friend (who is very religious, to a point that I think of as hypocrisy because of her M/EA background) sort of insisted on starting a dispute with me about whether Jesus is okay with D when one's spouse has committed adultery (she, of course, believes he approves of D for that reason because that was what happened to her first M...I strongly disagree with that interpretation but try not to make anyone feel judged). I really don't like arguments, especially on religion, but I've never been a great debater, no matter how firmly I believe something. I'm just not good at coming up with clear, persuasive arguments.

Okay, I will cut this short, as I need to get ready for my piano recital, but I would really appreciate being reminded of what I already know. Could I order some encouragement in the face of what I have heard that my H said about his attitude about our M?

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Piano recital went so-so. I was very nervous (normal for me) and very tired--I didn't get any sleep last night and it didn't help my nerves, nor did the whole conversation with my friend. But I got through it.

I think I just fell asleep sitting here trying to post this, so I will just say that I hope to get some encouragement, some hope, to counteract what I heard from my friend about what H is saying. I just notified a number of friends and relatives about the discontinuation of my home phone number, and responses are starting to trickle in from various people, and it is heartwarming to know that others care, and especially that they are praying for us. I hope to hear that from some of those "in the trenches" people on this site. Will have to postpone any more nuggets of widsom until I get some sleep!

Peace,
Dawn