What I've learned about detaching

[steady]

lol nds. Of course you're right there in the mix. You reiterated that stuff to me dozens of times in my threads - as did so many others who helped me throughout my sitch. There's a difference between knowing something, and knowing (where it's in your bones and you are authentically doing it) that something. I did the best doing I could do at the point I was at - but the knowing was there as I was so often reminded by a quick swat with a 2x4 or two....or eight..lol. But I didn't have the [i]knowing[/] yet. I realize now I couldn't have done anything different than what I did. I did my best with the tools I had - At this space in time, I'm better at using those same tools, but I can't go back and use them with the new skills.

As I regain by confidence and self-esteem, I begin to realize that I'll be fine (I'll eventually find someone else if things go south),

You need more of this. A lot more of this. Keep working it until it's not a thought but a genuine authentic projection from your entire being.

but again, I worry about the kids.

I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old - you bet I'm worried about the impact all of this is going to have on them. Your kids, friends, family, et... are all included in the 'keep the focus on you' mantra. The only one NOT in that circle is your spouse. You need to do what's right for you and your kids. They need a solid structure to cling to...that would be you.

In addition, I always wonder what's going through my wife's through all of this...is this killing her like it is me or is she just happy like a clam? The fact that she hasn't filed tells me she is confuesed and unsure.

These sets of lines will give you an indication of how 'not' detached you are. Stop wondering what's going through her head. It's a TOTAL, I repeat TOTAL waste of your time and energy. I'll bet she doesn't even know what's going through her mind, and if she does, it changes constantly.

You can't deduce she's confused by the fact she hasn't yet filed. There can be an infinite choice of reason(s) why she hasn't filed. Confusion is just one of many choices - you picked it because it conveniently makes you feel good. But it's just a story you are writing in your own head. You can't know what's going on in that head of hers - even if she did tell you, how do you know it's the truth? (rhetorical question)

When you see yourself wondering about some 'aspect' of your W, just giggle at yourself and say, "I'm writing a story in my head again." Do that every time you catch yourself. It really is just that - a fictional story you're writing in you head and I can bet most of the chapters are negative.

Who knows.

No one knows. Therefore, don't waste another second on it.

Detaching is the hardest thing for a WAS to do. It's the only shot you have of saving yourself. (and the kids for whoever has them)

kara - It's my opinion you are right on the money with what you wrote.