I am feeling a lot of anxiety today. I am still having a real tough time adjusting to the heat down here. I wish I had one more week to just get used to the climate. I just went out to run some errands for an hour and a half and I have not felt good since. Its 105 here today....maybe I am dehydrated. I don't know....can't tell. How am I going to do the rest of my life alone like this.
I have to go to a work dinner tonight. I am anxious about that too. I always get some butterflies when I have to meet a whole group of people. I don't necessarily do well in a whole group. I am more of a one on one type of person. But, I am going to have to get out of my comfort zone. Its like every single day is something new I have to conquer or feel as if I am failing.
H has not called today at all. I am sure that is also adding to the uneasy feeling. I am sure he is trying to put as much distance as possible.......that is what it is about, after all. Anyways, it almost feels like the sitch with H is the least of my problems right now.
I am nervous also bc I begin my job on wednesday. Not a lot of time left and I really hope I can manage this....It feels like I am going to fall flat on my face and I will just......actually, I cannot. I need this job...I need this paycheck. I have to do well. I am so not sure about this.
So many nerves...I wish it was cooler cuz I would just love to go for a run.......and sweat the nerves off.....
Sigh...I feel so confused about my life. I am wondering all of a sudden about what it is that I want out of life. What do I want to accomplish? How will I accomplish that? What's in btwn?
I had a call from an old friend and she was talking about having children, cuz they are the only security blanket one has in old age. I really just didn't like that.........but, then I thought well, who will take care of me if I needed it......I will have to have money, so that I can afford a good assisted living place.
It is a morbid thought, I know. But, all of a sudden I feel like I am dealing with every uncertainty that I have feared!
But, isn't that the thing about life........what you fear really is exactly what life makes you confront....even as we try to sidestep our way around it all.
Anyways....I am sure things will work out. I will figure it out. Just writing out some of my doubts and fears and trying to get some insight into myself.
