Puppy is really your man for giving good examples of consequenses to stepping over boundaries. It is hard to use with adults b/c they are going to do what they want to do and what can you do about it, right? I know Puppy use to tell his W when he thought she might be texting OM that he sure hoped she wasn't contacting OM b/c that would be highly disrespectful. With your young wife, it would call her attention to what she was doing at that percise moment, which is probably what she needs due to her erratic actions and thoughts. But if she continued to do the TM after you reminded her....then she definately would need to face the consequenses. If you pay for her cell phone bill, then you could discontinue the sevice and she would either have to fork it up or earn your trust that she would not contact OM again. Promises don't weigh much in stitch's like this, so that is why I chose the word "earn".
You are the one that knows her best and what is very important to her. She's not a teenager who you can "ground" but you can find other means to show her that the decisions she made is not worth it in the end. I understand the fact that if a woman wants to contact OM, she will find a way. I know b/c I did it! The point is that she show you respect in your presence. You cannot "make" her stop all contact with OM, but I think you could make her very aware that you will not tolerate that inappropiate behavior in your presence. See what I mean?
I don't know that others would agree with me on this example, and like I said.....those who actually have used it would be more helpful. But, if she proceeds to TM after you warning her once about the boundary (and I would only warn her one time and not keep warning b/c it loses its affect) then I would then tell her that since she chooses not to show you respect that you do not wish to spend the evening with her and that you will be going out without her. I would not explain where you were going or doing. Just leave her there to think about it, and not return until late. Don't give into her pleading or promise making. Like a child, she has to learn you mean what you say. Now, true.....she would also have "her" time when you leave her alone....to do all the inappropriate things you don't want her doing. I realize that, but you know you can't be her prison guard. She can do that whenever she decides she wants it badly enough. There is just so much one can do in your stituation, but hopefully, it would cause her to really respect you.
I had lost a lot of respect for my H, but b/c he did not put up with my cr@p with OM, he won the respect from me. Yes, I did sneak around behind his back to contact OM....but I sure did not do it in his presence!! That would be the ultimate show of disrespect, IMHO. I can almost hear the groans of LBH's and saying that the EA was the ultimate show of disrespect. I'm talking as an almost WAW and how "they" think in terms of showing the respect in your presence. It is a matter of you having some control in what goes on in your presence. Just as you would not stand by and allow some other people to disrecpect you to your face without letting them know you would not tollerate it. Right? Then that is what you need to do with her. When you ignore it or argue the point.....it is not effective. "Actions" is what is effective.
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Also, for example, she says she's thinking about coming back at such and such date, and it doesn't happen. what would be a relative consequence?
Well, that's why I said you have given her all the power by allowing "her" to make the choices of reconciling or not. She is playing this on again--off again game with you and you should not have to put up with it. Not to offend you, but I see how you could "man-up" by telling her that you have decided that you are not ready to reconcile at this time. You are taking back the ball into your court and saying in so many words that you are going to be in charge of "your" life.....not her. I think I can almost promise you what she will do, but I don't think you quite believe it, yet. But you will see just how pursuing she'll become.
You are not telling her that you don't want to reconcile. You are saying you don't want to right now. If she asks your reasons, I would suggest that you do not get into a long drawn out conversation, but tell her that both of you have areas that you need to improve and she doesn't really know what she wants at this time. You want her to know without any doubts, that she is ready to be a faithful wife and stop this running in and out of the M. If she is not ready to be "faithful" then you aren't ready for her to return. No "dating" and living together unmarried, like she suggested once before. B/c that leaves her free to treat you anyway she chooses and what are you going to say? As her H, you have a right to say when you approve or disapprove of how she lives and what comes into your home and how she does in your presence. If you are not legally M to her, all you could do would be to throw her out of your house.
Anway, I am so certain that if you tell her you are not "ready" for a reconciliation, that you will have a much stronger chance of seeing her make some real efforts in making up her mind.....that is why I keep my stand on this. Being a woman, and an almost WAW, I can tell you that it will make her get her act together a lot quicker than the way you have done so far.
I think you should have a say in the "date" of her return (if you decide to reconcile) and if she does not show up and keep to what she said........that is about as much proof as you need to show you how unstable she is and that she has no business being in a M than a toy. Be thankful that there are no children involved b/c she sure has no business being a parent. She hasn't been made to be responsible for her own actions alone, so she sure doesn't need to be responsible for the welfare of a child.
You want her to see how that when two people are in a MR that you have to be responsible for your actions. All grown ups have to do that. She must not have been made to answer for bad decisions growing up....I don't know, but she is so wishy-washy and apparently thinks it is fine to tell a person she will do something and doesn't follow through and doesn't think it necessary to give an explanation. I have known a few people like that, and it always causes great drama in their life and their family never knows what to expect. Maybe you want to live like that, but I can't see much hope for peace and happiness. At your age, you may not have given much thought to having "peace". I know I didn't. But I can assure you that some day you will realize just how important it is to have that calm sweet peace and to cut out the drama. I've had enough drama to last a lifetime. No, I am not refering to my EA, but to other things that happened. I may not have an exciting life in the viewpoint of somebody in their 20's, but I am happy and contented. That says a whole lot! I hope you will eventually find that for yourself.
Anyway, you may want to contact Puppy and ask for some examples in the consequenses departement. I'm sure he'll thank me.....LOL. We can discuss more about this, but in the meantime, you be thinking of the things you know are most important to her. Is it taking part in recreation, entertainment, travel, spending time with friends, shopping, intimate time, or going to parties? Those are just some ideas off the top of my head, but you have to look at what she values the most and how that could be limited if she does not respect you and her R with you. I hope you or anybody else doesn't get the wrong message here and I could see how a person would read it the wrong way. I am trusting that you do know how I mean this and use it wisely.
If you think of something else, let me know. If I can't answer it, then maybe I know who can.....
Later, Sandi
THANK YOU SANDI!!!!!
ok, you've given me a lot of great things to think about. You are an angel, sent straight from God i believe. I mean that. Thank you so much.
pdt? any ideas about setting good consequences in my Sitch?
