So it begins to bring my wife home

[sandi2]

I was so blown away by my mess-up that I forgot to respnd to a couple of other things.

I have let her know that if she's thinking about coming home, she's the one who makes that decision. i'm not telling her what to do one way or the other. too much of a codependent action either way imo. i put the ball in her hands to decide,

Okay, the way I personally see this is you are giving all the power to her. It's like you aren't having any say in your own life! As long as she can come and go in and out of your life as she pleases, then you can look forward to more of this same behavior pattern from her. You must take charge of your own destination. If you want her back as your W, I still "strongly" suggest you tell her that you are not prepared to reconcile at this time.

do most people detach from someone they love and are married to in 20 days? idk, maybe they do.

It depends on how quickly they actually "get" the detaching concept. Many people get confused about detaching, going dark, and dropping the rope. They are different techniques and I kind of get up on my "high horse" when some start using the wrong definition with the technique they are applying.....but you can't fight "city hall" so I'm about to give up that fight. Anyway, a lot of LBS have been shocked to discover when they really begin to detach, how well they've been able to do it.

A lot of things you said in your response to me sounded much better than the previous things I read that you posted.

believe this is she would talk on the phone to OM, but not necessarily text them.

I hope she's not into phone sex or just talking to men she doesn't really know! However, TM is not the same as hearing the voice and if she's into that "thrill" of another man talking to her, then that's why no TM and they are actual calls. I sure hope she's not going down that path b/c it is unhealthy, for sure.

I'm glad you see yourself as unique b/c each stitch is personal and unique to those who are in it. You probably have given her more stability than she's had in the past. I'm also glad you see her as your equal b/c I have always thought of myself as my H's equal. I do think each person has their "role" (so to speak) in a M.

i'm looking more at the sitch on a day by day basis, which could definately be a mistake, rather then sticking to one technique and riding it out. but how long do you know to do it for?

Remember the DB rule about "stop doing what doesn't work"? As far as that part goes, we need to learn by what doesn't work and find out what does. We do have to take a day at a time with whatever that day presents. But, I think at this point of your stitch, it would be very helpful for you to have a "basic" plan as to what you are going to do. In other words, if you are going to go the "friendship" route, or if you are going to drop the rope, or go dark. That is what you have to decide and then take each day as it comes. If the friendship route causing more instability and more of her erratic behavior and keeps you dangling on a string......then it's time to change techniques. That is just an example.

Thank you Sandi, you have given some great things to think about, Mainly the taking charge, laying down the law type stuff with her actions...

I want to make sure you have not misunderstood about what I'm suggesting. I am not telling you to act like her dictator and treat her like she is "beneath" you. I don't think that is what you mean, either. But I just wanted to make sure that NOBODY misunderstands what I'm saying. To me, setting boundaries is like drawing a line in the sand and saying, "don't cross this line or....(fill in the blank)" If she does cross that line then you need to be prepared for a consequenses that she would not find pleasant. I'm not suggesting physical violence of any such stuff as that, but a consequence to the R with you. This is something that needs to be well planned in advance by you, so you will not be caught off guard by inappropriate behavior. Due to her age and instability, IMHO, she needs a "structured" environment very much. You would have to be the one to set the tone for that environment. That is what I was trying to tell you by you almost being a "father figure" to her. I hope that was not misunderstood by any of the readers here b/c it is hard to put into words what I'm trying to suggest. She doesn't have self-discipline like she needs in her life. That is why she is so erratic. She needs you to live out a disciplined life-style before her and help guide her into the same patterns. Am I making myself plain? I know you are not dumb....and I'm not imply you are, I'm saying that I have a hard time explaining in typed words the message I want to send.

I think i've leveled out alot in the last couple days and i don't forsee that changing

I hope you're right but I think you have thought that before. That is why I said you were too up & down with your tactics. But a lot of that is due to your stitch and the emotional pain you are dealing with here. As long as you are open to learning, then you have a terrific chance at a great life.

I know i needed to get out and do my own thing, and i've been working on that. i'm not done by any means nor will i ever, because i know GAL doesn't stop if she comes back.

Bear in mind that GAL when S and when M has to stay balanced. GAL when S is to help make you a more interesting person and draw your attraction from her and mainly to keep your focus from being on her and the stitch all the time. Since the history has been what it has, you may need to be careful at what your GAL will be "if" she returns. We can discuss that much later. Some people have misunderstood what GAL consisted of and went way over-board in the party life-style and I don't see that as showing stability, IMHO, but that is just "who" I am.....it may not be who you are at all.

Also, no more talking about what i'm doing

Good for you! You sound strong today and very upbeat and determined. That's great! If I can help you with any questions you may have, I'll do my best. I may not have the answers, but we can talk about it.

Have a good weekend.

Sandi