WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[sandi2]

Your W may be keeping you in "storage" (so to speak) in case this other life she's pursuing doesn't work out for her. Doesn't make you feel better to think that, but maybe it's better than her having a lot of hatred like most WAW's have toward their LBH.

I am still very concerned about your boys. I want to encourage you to be extremely careful in the answers you give to their questions. Let me show you an example of how your 7 yr. old is quoting you:

My 7 year old told my 3 year old "No, this was her choice."

Now, I realize there are a lot of sharp little kids out there these days, but that sounds too much like what he's heard daddy say about mommy. In fact, I'm almost certain that you posted where you've told the boys that it was her choice if she did or didn't do something.

You see, in your own personal pain, it is very difficult not to show your anger or hurt in your explanations to the kids' questions. I know b/c I have done the same thing when mine were little and propably the majority of parents have. However, being as smart as they are.....it hits them in a very deep place that leaves scars and I know that no matter what your W does to you that you don't want the boys to suffer.

I tell you what I would do if I were in your place and saw the reaction that my children had when they were not able to talk to their other parent on the phone. If they seem to be more devasted and feel "rejected" by her when she isn't home to talk to them.....if that seems worse than "not" phoning....then I would tell her that she can call when she's available to talk to them b/c you are not going to watch them go to bed with their hearts broken. It is not fair to them.

I think somewhere deep down in your soul, you are still wanting to make that contact with her but the boys are your shield to the real reason for calling. Maybe you try to cover up your own emotions when you hear that voice mail come on the phone, but the kids may be able to read your face.....and we both know that's not good for them. You cannot make her be a good mother and be home to call the kids. Does she not have a cell phone? You see, this is your way of finding out she's not home and it upsets you. Right? You can deny it, but I know it is true. Sometimes people are blind to their own actions, so I'm just trying to point out a possibility.

I may have knocked the props out that I built up last night. I hope not, b/c I only want you to learn from this so that you can be more objective in the future. Pain clouds our judgment as parents, S's, friends, ....in every way we are a person! It often times takes somebody who is detached from the problem to see.

Hope you have a good weekend and hope your stitch gets better real soon.

Take care,
Sandi