It does sound as if it keeps replaying in your mind like a terrible nightmare. I don't know what to do about something like that except to keep "trying" to think about happy things and that is a lot easier said than done. To have a friend and then your BIL to take their own lives must have left it scars. I hope with all my heart that your IC will give you the tools you need to finally have more days without the nightmares. I believe you are mature enough (at least you certainly sound mature) to know what you must do to get past this horrible tragidy that has left its mark on you and those you care about. I know you are very, very worried about your W and would work with her and help her any way you could. However, you sound like you a person who sees they need to go into "survial mode" if your spose constantly refuses to help themselves of the stitch. I don't see this as being selfish, b/c I think to coninue to try to stick close to her right now would not be so good for you. Does that sound ugly of me? I don't mean it that way, but I agree with your point. Hopefully, you can find peace and happiness and maybe "time" will do something to help heal your W and her sister. I sure hope so.
I know it looks dark now, but you do sound stronger and determined to help yourself. That is good. Detaching from one you love is not easy, but sometimes it is very necessary. I hope you will do that for yourself.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Fortunately I am doing better with my relapse about what happened with BIL. I think when I went to see the headstone a week ago it really put things into perspective and I am ready to get past that. Am I ready to get past my M? No way! as frustrated as I may have sounded a few days ago. I talked to my db counselor and I read her the emails including the last email my W wrote to me (a few posts up). She said my MR situation is actually not as bad as I thought (what? haha) That my wife put in some pretty typical WAW scripted stuff in that email. She said there is a chance my MR can work. If I am not the clingy one while the twin continues to be then after a while she might wonder why she shut out her H. My db counselor said that overall I had been doing well with communication and my wife did actually show signs of pursuit (when I was about to leave that one day when twin was around and she said "I thought we were going to talk"). She said my GALing has been great too. The db coach said I was at a point that when I did get around my W to be like a lightning bug.. interested in her but distracted (because I am busy in my life). She did chastise me about how my wife asked if we should just file for D. And I said that is up to you. Apparently I put to much power in her hands by doing that. That might have confused her and she might have thought does he really want me or is he eager to give up. So the coach told me how to retract that. My wife texted me about a video game she wants to give her B which she accidently left with me. So I brought it over yesterday and I basically said hello pleasantly and gave her the game and immediately picked up a few lite items without showing the signs of being too interested in talking and being in a hurry.. She asked 'so how are you?' (pursuit it looks like) and I was like 'oh I am good I have a great deal to do today involving a work related trip and meeting a friend for a hike' she asked 'aren't you off and can't you make another trip to get the rest of your stuff'.. I was like "no I have to go by work to arrange for my rental today and have other errands to run" (all this was true and I didn't really want my day off to revolve around moving my stuff out) "besides i need a larger vehicle to get the rest.. I can bring my dad SUV on Friday to get it".. she didn't say anything... I was like "Well I gotta run" and then I said as per db coach advice on the way out "btw, I do not want a divorce, but you seem determined to for now and I will not fight you so as to keep the positive things in our R intact" She said "Well that is fine I have nothing against you" I was like "ok bye bye" she either said "see you later" or was adding to the last sentence so I may have accidently cut her off. Oh well it made me look like the "lightning bug" for sure.
Anyway, when I was out enjoying the sunset I had pretty much tuned all my problems out and not analyzing and then out of the blue something dawned on me. It was possible that my W thought she was unneccessarily unhappy early on because less than 2 months after we got married her twin S husband started his downward spiral.. so everyday from that point twin S would call W and harp and complain about how M sucked and that after they got married (a month before us) her H suddenly became a depressed lump after a few months. So my W got a soured image of marriage in general straight from her twin S. All the while I appeared in a blissful newlywed state and my W with her poor self esteem was wondering how I could possibly love her what kind of fool I was for loving her and wondered when I would become a lump too. Which I wouldn't have because I was not sick like my BIL. Anyway, I think I may be right here.. and now I am getting WAW script. I do want to reitterate I had a clear mind and was relaxed and it just came to me. My intuition is known for being really sharp.
I was in a mood today after a decent day yesterday but after getting out for a run and workout felt much better.
That sounds great, Drew! I am glad to hear you are finally able to start having closure about your BIL. I was concerned about that. Didn't mean to appear cold toward the stitch, but sometimes we lose stuff in typing and it's hard to know exactly how it is. Anyway, you sound much better.
You did the right thing by not allowing yourself to stay in your "mood" and decided to go out to run it off. It's tempting when we feel down b/c we don't really want to do anything while we are feeling like that, so it takes a lot of self discipline.
I'm really proud of you and what you are accomplishing. I agree with your C. If you can endure the wait then there is a chance your W could turn back to you. It was not my intent to be discouraging, but you need to know it could take more time than you originally thought. I always say that if a person feels his/her spouse is worth the wait and the work, then by all means.....do it.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No none of that sounds awful. I know that if this works out it will take time. A lot of people would probably say give up after all this happening after one year of marriage but I have to give the sitch's uniqueness the benefit of the doubt.
Anyway, on Friday I got the most of the rest of my stuff except for one item (a grill which is outside of their apt anyway). We haven't spoken since the last Tues I came over. Today is our 1st year wedding anniversery and it is very full today. Looks like I will be working out before work, after work will be father's day dinner, then after that a friend invited me to a surprise b-day party. My db coach said I should at least send an email to my wife saying I will be thinking about you today. That's it. If my wife calls to want to see me that is fine. If not it looks like my day is pretty well set out. Not to say I won't be upset today (I was actually pretty ill last night) but I kind of look forward to it with all the things to do.
Your DB coach sounds like a good one. I know this anniversary hurts but you are thinking the right way and it will make you strong instead of giving in to depression like so many would do.
I really hope your coach it right and that you will stay away from your W enough that she will grow weary of her twin and miss her H. I pray that works. I do believe it is the best route to take and you stay busy GAL. You are doing a good job of that today! When holidays and other special events are coming up.....be sure to fill your calendar so you will not be sitting alone.
I'll check back later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The last 2 days have been kind of rough. I am fighting tooth and nail with GAL. Part of it is the anniversary and the other part is lingering thoughts of just giving up. Everytime I reason through that though I just feel terrible. I am just not ready to throw the towel in this early. I know I shouldn't give up now we have only been separated a month. Anyway, it looks like during the anniversary she poured herself into an art project which was a tribute to the deceased BIL. A good thing I think. I was invited to friend the FB page that the tribute pictures are on. Either progress that she wants to deal with things a little better or be very active during the anniversary so as to not think too much about it or both. I did say in an email that I was thinking about her. No response. I got a text from her about us needing to exchange car keys. I told her tues would be good for me and she said ok. Pretty cold
I am beginning to wonder if she is having an EA with one of her old college buddies. In the latter part of her being in school these two were best of friends (other than twin sis of course). When I first started dating my wife she told me about him and said that he was kind of a pseudo- bf but she didn't have those feelings for him. This guy went through a sexual molestation as a child so apparently he is rather incapable. They just weren't able to quite seal the deal I guess. I know he wants kids and she does not (neither do I.. I decided to get snipped when things between me and my W were really heating up). Anyway she and the twin have been posting a lot of pics of their school years and his pic has popped up a lot and they are leaving comments with each other. I am not really sure how they could really have much of anything going on as wrapped as my W and twin sis are but I am not ruling it out. It would not be a deal breaker for me if they were because I don't think they quite have what it takes to be together. And I know she did marry me for a reason even if she thinks we didn't get to know each other well enough. EA's nearly always end right? I can't even be sure if there is one and since we are separated I probably need to leave it alone for now.
I went by Friday to get some stuff. They weren't around. I noticed that the wife's file with divorce papers was still sitting on it's desk collecting dust. Also on FB my wife took down her relationship status of it's complicated to no status at all.. I decided to change mine to single shortly after.. I am sure they noticed because they both exited FB chat shortly after.. I felt terrible about that and didn't want to put any msg out there that I was done so I shortly changed mine to no status... ergh.. this could have probably been an error on my part but oh well.. like I said the last couple of days have been rough. The pics of me and her on FB and her other blogs are still up.. I am not really trying to analyze but I did want to vent because I am getting WAW'ed left right and sideways and I know I should not believe anything I see..
anyway, I feel better now. On to work! It is my first solo management shift after my promotion!
It is very understandable that you would feel depressed on what should have been a happy occasion.....your first wedding anniversary. So, don't be so hard on yourself for that.
As far as her college buddy, I doubt that he is a serious threat if she did not have sexual attraction for him back in the day. She probably sees his as "no threat" since she knows how things were then and looks at him as almost another GF. He may start to try pursuing her and that may scare her off....who knows? Her friendships seem to be somewhat limited, I gather, and that may be why she is reaching back digging up old college chums.
I suppose my "old fahion" status is showing here, but I don't know so much about FB's. I mean, I see where they could cause more harm than good. The example of you posting your emotions is a prime example. Maybe you need to stay away from that for a while until you can manage better. It would be a great idea to not look at her FB b/c I think it is a source to keep you upset. I doubt she is going to post anything you saw as encouraging. That is very public information and I don't think she's going to put anything that others would take as meaning she was wanting you back. Sort of to "save face".... (pun intended)
You are facing a lot of changes and have dealt with a huge amount of sorrow in a short time. Give yourself a chance to heal and don't be your own worst enemy, okay?
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
oh on the facebook blog. I am not posting anything private or emotional. Neither is she. It would appear in fact that she fine and dandy (kind of acting like a 17 yr older though). In fact I haven't been on much and if I am often hidden. Just like in real life I am appearing and dissapearing on there kind of like the 'firefly' my db counselor was talking about. As for the possible EA I kind of started thinking about it along the lines as you just mentioned so now I am more doubtful about it. Now I know I shouldn't rule anything out. And yes she is pretty much keeping things between twin, college buds, and family. No one else really gets attention.
hmm after a few days of seeing a very cold side of my W she seems to have softened a little. I went by yesterday to give her the spare car key to her car that I had. I wore an all new outfit to kind of go with the fact that I have been working out a lot more since the separation. I really had no time to stick around for chit chat so I thought I would let my actions speak for me on this little visit. She came downstairs when SIL greeted me at the door and was more pleasant and less nervous than usual. This is the 1st time btw when we have seen each other I have managed to be completely cool as a cucumber. Basically I gave her the keys and the SIL asked how I was doing. I gave SIL a "doing well" and proceeded to say goodbye and leave. The little visit ended on a humorous note because as I opened the door to leave there was a cat sitting right there and he tried to get in! I said "No kitty you can't come in their place.. shoo" and it walked away. My W said "Oh yah that cat is really aggressive.. it's pretty funny". So I think she may have been trying to pull for more convo.. instead I laughed and said "Yah he seems like a real scamp! bye bye" and promptly left. So I got in a 'firefly' opportunity like my db coach advised me to do. I mentioned also that w and I have FB and she had been posting pics and talking to old college buddies and basically acting really sassy and immature. Though I haven't been online much her posts have softened too since our anniversary. I am not really sure how to explain that better. I woke up feeling pretty positive today and was beginning to think that maybe there would be some improvement on the horizon. Afterwards, after a bad day at work that all changed but mainly because I was tired and annoyed at co-workers. After a hike I felt more even keeled and after this I am supposed to go out with friends. Day off tomorrow and it's a me day! I look forward to seeing the check with all my retro pay from 2 raises this month. I'll be picking that up tomorrow
I wanted to post your list in my thread in order to have easy access to it not to mention if a new person to the forums passes through then great. I feel like I have been over analyzing everything since the anniversary and while the last visit went well in the the DB sense I know that in a lot of respects I haven't been doing myself a lot of favors by being this way. It really does seem like there may be a 'softer energy' to my W but I do believe I am done trying to figure out why that may be the case. I realize this is quite a new situation with us only being separated 1 month and it really just needs to be about my own well being at this point. I don't think my db coach would agree that I need to completely drop the rope maybe just relax the grip a little more. I do believe that is what I need to do so I look forward to talking about that with her a little more. I need more perspective on showing my W I still care but not at my own expense. I see that I may be prepared to have to completely drop the rope. I've read other LBS's threads saying it was best for their well being and it just so happened that their WAS's really took notice.
Anyway on to the list. I plan on reading it to myself everyday and I would recommend if anyone is comes through this thread as new to the forums that they do the same
DO’S & DON’TS FOR LBS
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out the good things in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. Don’t act as if you are going to gobble up their “crumbs”(Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. They can’t fix what is wrong. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life as if you’ve had a “wake-up call”. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, go walking, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words but don’t act “hurt” or mad. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! Do not sit up late waiting for him/her to arrive home. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more importantly, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) Do not discuss your plans of self improvement. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. You want them to think that they would be a fool to leave a person as great as you. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. WAS are able to do that easily, so be on your guard and refuse to get into a R talk. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic in showing a PMA, b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Do not go out with other people or flirt with others--in order to cause your spouse to feel jealous. It is best to stay away from places that would encourage temptation with the opposite sex.
(pun intended)