H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Wow, it's been a while. Have I lost everybody?

My pool is still not up and running. I patched it up and started filling it, but then it started ripping out again, and I found out I had not prepared the patches properly (never having had to do this before), so I had to redo some, and since then it has just been a losing battle of having the liner rip faster than I can patch it. Most of the holes are all along one side, with the result that I now have close to 30 feet of rips (mostly of about a foot wide) on one 32-foot side of the pool. There is no doubt whatsoever that the liner needs replacing, but there is no way I can afford that without financial help, and I refuse to ask H for help on that when he doesn't live here. I don't know if there is any way to get this pool running this year, which would be a shame. I can't just close it up and leave it--it would turn into a swamp in short order--and I can't leave it without water at all until next year, because it would mess it up over the winter (it would heave up out of the ground or something). In the last 2 weeks, I have also relocated 10 frogs from the pool to a nearby pond. Just another sign of the plague I am living through...!

I still have no medical insurance, although I did look into it. The expert I contacted about it told me it would be in his best interests to write me a policy, because that's how he makes his money, but he advised me that it would be in my best interests to get H to put me on his insurance, since H's claim that he can't do so is bogus (assuming he has insurance for himself, which he hasn't made clear to me). Being on H's insurance is the only way to get coverage for my pre-existing conditions (like depression), but I can't really afford any insurance at all if I have to pay for it myself.

Yesterday I made arrangements to disconnect my home phone (so my cell number will be all I have), which means that I will no longer be reachable via the number I've had for 17 years. I had been considering this since H left--he suggested it, but didn't push--but hadn't gone through the process because I didn't want the hassle, especially that of trying to figure out who all needed to be notified. I finally decided it was time. The home phone rarely rings anyway, and mostly it's people asking for money. And this will save over $700.00 per year--of H's money, since he is paying the utilities and the mortgage.

I am starting to get accustomed to seeing the house without all the pictures of H and me (and related items) that I took down and stuffed in the basement in a frenzy a few weeks ago (there are a few still up, but not many). I am more comfortable without all of that staring at me. Then, just yesterday, I stashed (again in the basement) something that had been bothering me for a while--this was something that I saw looming on the shelf in the master bedroom closet every time I went in there, multiple times a day. It's a set of large foam wedges designed as sexual props. I really couldn't stand seeing those (they're pretty big) and thinking about the fact that, because of my beliefs and values, I may have been forced into celibacy for the rest of my life because of my H's choices. I feel a lot better without those things in there, even looking at the empty space and knowing what used to be stored there. Unlike some of the other things I've relocated in the house, I feel no need to save them for H (I'm thinking OW wouldn't be keen on using them, knowing he used them with me!), but I'm not sure where to dispose of them. Ya think Goodwill would take used sex toys? Hey, they're fully washable!

I haven't heard from H since he called in early May to tell me about his car accident coming back from visiting OW, and I haven't actually seen or spoken to him since a week or so before that, so that's close to two months. He came to get our 3rd car (to drive while his was in the shop) while I was asleep, and I figured he would contact me to bring it back when his car was ready a week later, but he hasn't, leading me to wonder idly what he's doing with two cars when I don't think he even has garage space for one wherever he's living, and there is empty space in the garage here (and he's been big on garaging cars in the past).

I also realized yesterday when going through paperwork that the 3rd car's registration is due by the end of this month, and the personalized plates for it need to be picked up at a particular license office (which I am sure he doesn't know), and I just paid the insurance on it and the insurance cards are here (and those have to be shown to renew the registration). And I bet he doesn't have a clue that he needs to deal with this (or at least bring the car back so that I can deal with it). I've wondered whether to contact him about this, but I really think it's much too trivial to break a nearly 2-month silence for.

People keep telling me that I need to contact H about this, that or the other (medical insurance, swimming pool, other business matters). But I won't do it. I am not sure if it has gotten to the point of me simply holding out due to stubbornness, or if it still falls in the "wisdom" category. I know I feel better when I don't have to deal with him. It is definitely more peaceful in my life when he's not around, even though he doesn't yell or harrass me or anything when we do speak, and last time I saw him, he told me to let him know if his mail was piling up (which it really isn't). It's more like stirring up dirt that has settled at the bottom of a pond. If I don't see him or talk to him, it's easier to avoid making comparisons between the way he treats me now and the way he treated me for over 20 years. I just really, really don't want to talk to him any more, not as long as he's acting the way he has been in the last couple of years. I don't wish for him to die, or for anything else bad to happen to him unless it is necessary to "wake him up," but if I were forced to choose between having him die while I still felt loved by him, versus having him cheat and lie and betray me...it would be no contest.

My birthday is coming up this Wednesday (July 1). I never quite know what to do about my birthdays. I'm not afraid of them, since I am not disturbed by my age at all (I will be 43 this year), but I have to admit that up until last year I depended on someone else to make my birthday special for me.

I would be surprised if H contacted me for the occasion. Last year he was still living at home, but it was over 8 months post-bomb, and instead of the usual flurry of cards and gifts (something he was always terrific about--but then he encountered OW for the first time only a week after my previous birthday), he just wished me a happy birthday when he left for work that day; no cards or gifts. When he got home that evening and asked what I was doing that night, he seemed very surprised to hear that instead of waiting around for him to come up with something, I had made plans with friends who were taking me to dinner. He said, "Oh! Um...I was going to ask if you wanted to go out for dinner for your birthday." Instead of saying, "Thanks for nothing, you &*%!@#$," I graciously invited him along, which he accepted. And that was it.

His last birthday was five months ago, at which point he had not made contact with me for six weeks (kinda like now, although at the time it was by far the longest we had gone without communication since we first met, in 1985). After much internal debate, I decided to at least acknowledge the occasion in a small way, so I sent him a text (for only the second time ever), and just said "Happy Birthday!" He never acknowledged it, which was what I expected. But I felt that I had made the best choice for me at the time.

Well, this got much longer than I intended. I also talked a lot more about H than I intended, but I try to mostly keep him in the background in my head these days instead of being obsessed, and I usually just go about my business. I am performing in a piano recital this afternoon (I have been taking lessons for 10 years, one of the GAL activities that preceded the bomb which I have firmly held on to continuing) and I need to get some rest before then.

In the last week, I have been shaking my head sadly over the news about the philandering politicians, and wondering if the stories about them and about the pain endured by their spouses will trigger the tiniest of cracks in any of our WAS's crazy thinking. What a long, strange trip it has been...

Thanks to all who are still following along with my ramblings!

Peace,
Dawn