What's it really all about?

[AlexEN]

So, now she has "un-agreed" to the New Beginning workshop...

This after having written the following to me:

I'm sorry my notes on the workshop brochure came across as jerky. I thought about it today, and realized that I should have recognized how important it is to you. I am willing to give it a try, especially since you're now willing to set up a meeting with the attorneys, and talk to the kids after that. I think knowing that you are now serious about doing these two things will help me believe that the reason for doing the workshop is to repair our relationship and improve future communications, and not to "save our marriage." And, I think I will be able to embrace the workshop process more knowing that. I also think that if the kids know about our marital situation before we go away for a weekend workshop like this, it may be very positive for them to see that we are doing whatever we can to get along better going forward.

[aliveandkicking]

Things seem to just be f*cked up this week. Ebb and flow. Hopefully she will come around.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Alex,

She -- the wayward one -- is trying to dictate the agenda. "I will agree to go to X, once you've done Y and Z."

Screw that. Either she's willing to go to it or she's not.

Why did she UN-agree???

Puppy

[AlexEN]

Well, I asked:

W,

Why are your thoughts about this different than when you wrote this?

You were correct about my reasons... to work on communications as an end unto itself; I have no problem making it very clear that that is OUR intention. I have no hidden agenda. I accept your decision.

My parents told me on Monday that they could come that weekend to watch the kids.

-A


To which she responded:

My thoughts aren't different...just thought about it more. Again, I have no problem with the concept of working on our communication and rebuilding trust. My concern has more to do with how it might end up feeling about THIS workshop...like we're in the wrong place at the wrong time. I still don't understand the benefit of joining a group of people working on saving their marriages. Why not explore workshops that are more appropriate for our situation? Or commit more time to the process we've been in with Keith and Tom, who already are extremely familiar with our relationship and all of the issues that have caused our communcation breakdowns, etc.. It just seems that we're trying to fit a "square into a circle" with this particular workshop.

[AlexEN]

Puppy,

I already told her quite some time ago I wouldn't do it if she conditioned it on anything else... No quid pro quo... She should do because it's the right thing to do but NO LINKAGE.


In any event, I wrote this back to her...

I get it…

I’d like to find a workshop that deals with the communications issue rather than do with Keith and Tom, as this isn’t really therapy or counseling.

What I liked is that it addresses some areas that might also help with respect to negotiating all of the things we’re going to have to figure out in a divorce settlement and not just what we’ll need to co-parent.

• The End of a Marriage: Doing the wrong thing and Doing the right thing
• The Four Horsemen: The way we communicate with each other
• Stress-Reducing Conversation
• Conflicting Life Desires: Here you will use your Life Maps for evening homework that are completed before the workshop
• Negotiation
• The Four Behavioral Styles: Here you will use your profiles that are completed online before the workshop
• How to handle anger and pain
• Forgiveness


I’ll see if there is an alternative.



... to which she responded...

Likewise. I agree with what you're saying...thank you for making the effort to find an alternative. Are your parents coming just because of that workshop, or did you just invite them for that weekend, anyway? Do they know?

..."Do they know?" meaning do they know about us (thought-bubble only since November Sweetie, thanks for asking.)

[AlexEN]

Oh, and then...

Me to her...

Yes, that is why they were going to come that weekend. Yes, they know.

Her...

So...will you tell me sometime how your parents reacted?


I haven't responded...

-A

[Sara]

Does she have another man? What are her life plans once she extricates herself from the marriage? Seems like she is zeroing in on the exit. What's her rush?

[AlexEN]

There was a PA.

There was/is? A subsequent EA.

But, I don't think there is a man lurking in the wings.

She sees herself as the modern liberated woman. She is going back to school FT in the fall to get a masters in public policy. Then she'll embark upon her career and all will be good.

[Sara]

How is she going to support herself and the kids and go to school fulltime? Perhaps she has a golden parachute by divorcing you?

[AlexEN]

She thinks she has one, but I don't think she truly understands the economics. She will get a tidy sum, but it won't last her as long as she thinks, as she'll have to deplete it while going to school and the jobs she'll get on the other side may not pay as much as she thinks... I think she thinks she'll get more support and alimony than I've been led to believe will be the case... I think things, as many posters have written about in recent days, will get particularly nasty, when she learns the same things I have heard. But, Sara, she doesn't seem to be asking herself these questions; it seems that she just believes it will all work itself out and that I (and our marriage) were really the cause of all of her unhappiness. With those in the rearview mirror, now that she has found herself, all will be right with the universe and the kids will be happy because she will be happy...