Can it get any worse?

[glamgirl]

Thanks so much Dawn for posting. I am still sitting here in tears. I just want to kick my h and slap him across the face. It would do no good. He wouldn't wake up anyway.

I guess it all explains much of his depression and some of what he has been going through. That is why it's important to just tell the truth and be honest. Something my h will never get.

I guess for him it was like oh let's just shove this under the rug and keep this a deep dark secret. Nobody will know. It's ok to hide this information. Never once thinking I need to tell Glam out of respect to her. It's the least I can owe her. Nope not my h, just act as if it never happened.

It really started back when my h made the decision to allow ow into his life. I find my h so pathetic. The problem I guess was my h never appreciated me. Always walking around like he was a saint. Talking about othe men's shortcomings, but failing to point out himself. I find this kind of odd, but I guess when you are disgusted with himself why not put others down and make yourself feel better. When he would have these convos with me what I wanted to say was, how are you so much better, they are in a loving committed R, living at home, good paying job, providing for their family what are you doing h? Instead I left it alone.

If my h could get grounded with God. It would make a huge differnce in his life. If he only could take that first step and not be afraid of what God has to offer. It's too bad he just can't or won't reach out. Said he doesn't need God in his life. Wow, h looks like you really could use some God time in your life.

Thanks Dawn about the not telling all. No problem there. For whatever reason I am really embarrassed and ashamed that I find myself in this situation with my h. It's not something I would want to share.

I have made a decision to leave the state. I have contacted h's family to ask if they would help move me and the kids. I had to choke back the tears. Never once did I share what was going on. His family would be so devastated. My h used to be the hero amongst his family. This whole thing has taken a toll on his parents health. Not sure how they would react, but I know would't sit well with them. My h wasn't raised this way and I see the pain on his mother's face when she talks about h. This would shake her up and I wouldn't want to burden his family with yet more bad news regarding h.

I wonder if my h is embarrassed and ashamed as well. He was so respected amongst his family and was idolized. It seems like my h needed to break out of a mold. That mold was I don't want to act and do as expected but I want to have freedom to pick and choose and do whatever I want. He often said it's my turn and I don't want to be the caretaker for nobody. How did that carefree attitude help him? It didn't. Now he is even more saddled with burdens that cast him in a negative light along the lines of disgust, shame, embarrassment. No wonder he has choose to hide.

I shake my head though, because h's life didn't need to go this way. He didn't need to surround himself with the likes of ow and those like her. It's as if he can't make the distinction of who he should hang with and those he shouldn't. Did he learn that lesson yet? It so sad how many lives he had to ruin before he got to that ultimate life lesson.

I know not my cross to bear, but this deeply affects me. Knowing that my h fathered a kid with ow just is more than I can comprehend. My h truly was so much better than this. He destroyed all those that really cared and loved him. I keep asking what did he gain by all of this? What?