Thank you so so very much for your wonderful post; your words mean so much at this time.
I have read your post over a few times and things are slowly, albeit very slowly sinking in. It is so very hard considering everything that has happened in the last few months to think that my H and I could ever find a new relationship together. BUT I AM ALSO STARTING TO REALISE just how much it is up to him to look at me in a different way if that were to happen; and i guess i have to keep moving forward as if that is not going to happen.
My H and I had mediation yesterday morning about the shared care plan. It was a mess and somewhat a waste of time which saddens me. I would have hoped that we would have been able to srt something out. As of now we have no plan fo care for our daughter for the summer vacation from Monday onwards.
The time was spent discussing the issues (general) around access. seeing my H at the moment is very, very difficult. I struggle so much. He seems so indifferent Sandi. He doesnt even seem angry anymore, just over it. Mind you, he is a playwright, excellent at creating illusion, crafting narrative and argument and creating facade and masks. But his basic MO there was very benign but firm and resolute about there being no chance of reconciliation, wishing me the very best etc. Also wanting to apparently move back into the house 1-2 nights a week but making it quite clear that teh only reason he would do so would be for solely our D not because he has any monetary or emotional connection to the house or certainly no connection to me. I made it clear that I didnt feel taht it was appropriate for him to be sleeping in the house when, since January he has been co-habiting with OW, and that our daughter would be highly confused and the tension that would ensue from both of us being in the same space would definitely not be good for her. I suggested that he find his own place, renting etc, not OW house and that way our D could spend time in each place and that this would be setting up reasonable and clear boundaries for her in terms of the reality of our lives as it stands.
Personally I am struggling with the possibility of him being/sleeping in the marital home when i am in still so much grief and he has, it appears, happily moved on (although he admitted less than 2 weeks ago that he was going through the biggest crisis of his life) and that every time he left here he would be spending the remainder of the week with OW in her house. He is not giving her up, I know him and he wouldn't admit that he is in "R" with anyone unless its serious. It causes me so much pain and I know that there is nothing that I can do about it. She seems to be everything that he wants in relation to me which is everything that he actively doesn't want. I know that I am a good person, talented, loving, intelligent but what is wrong with me that I feel that I should be trying to COMPETE with her. He is so resolute, moved on etc yet I cant see how someone can be after only 5 months if they were really honest with themselves......and of course another M/W will always complicate things.......i feel he is so gone and whatever hope i have is fleeting moments.......
He doesn't want to be, in his own words "living like an itinerant, moving from sister to sister with our D to stay there, spending vast amount of money taking our D out to restaurants etc, being a McDonalds dad- whatever that is- that he ideally wants around 50-50 access but does not believe one week on, one week off is appropriate for D's perspective, although he admitted that for him personally having a week without D would be fine so he could "get on with his own life". I was just shocked but maybe I take this too personally.
He spoke about the template that his first wife and him have used with my step-daughters and how it has been extremely positive. He told the mediator that his first wife left him; she did this to him and now he is doing it to me (this really hurt-projection, or just cruel life cycles being played out?)
He also believes that our D is fully accepting of his decision to end the M. He has EMPHATICALLY DENIED that he has let the house????, and that he has abandoned or D or me???????? He was quite clear in saying that he said to our D "daddy has ended the marriage to Mummy because I wasn't happy, Mummy wasn't happy and he didn't want D to see any more fights/tension. What he actually said to her beginning of Feb was radically different to that; that he had ended things because he didn't love me anymore and that he thought I was moving to London, a complete fabrication. How can he make such a radical decision that affects all of our lives on a whim that all of us are unhappy? He said that he said to our D that he wishes me only the best (talk from someone who is indifferent and has moved on?)
He had our D overnight in Co.Kerry, was taking my SD and her friend down to an Irish speaking summer camp for three weeks. Used OW car as it is a 4x4. I did not want our D in her car and told him so. Do I have a right to say this. This hurts.
At this stage I just wish that I wasnt so emotionally invested. I am only being repeatedly hurt by someone who, at first I thought may be in denial and MLC but the more I look at him the more that I think he has just moved on. Even his anger seems to not be there, or if it is he is hiding it well.......Any thoughts?
In relation to my family here (his sisters etc) all of their birthdays fall within this coming week; in fact my SIL who was at court last Monday shares the same birthday as me (next Tuesday, 30th June). I have sent them all a card wishing them happy birthday and saying how grateful I have been over the years for their kindness, acceptance and support f me and Kath. i know I probably wont hear anything from them but I wanted them to know I guess how I truly view them and have felt about them. I also gave my 15 year old SD a card to congratulate her on her recent school exams and to let her know how special she has been to me.
Maybe this hasn't been the right thing to do but.......
I want to drop the rope, am trying everyday to drop the rope I am trying to be the best person that I can be for me, whoever that is. I want to be a great mother to our D, I want to be happy, I want a loving relationship in my life. Ideally my H and I will find each other again but it seems such an impossibility. He has told me it is in words, and in actions.
If he is in crisis this is not obvious in any way. He wants no personal contact with me except about our D. He has redirected his mail from our house to an "alternative address".Maybe I should just accept this?
I am trying to look after my health and focus on what makes me happy in my life; what brings joy to my life.
And I am truly grateful to everything that people have said to me over the last few months on this board.
Thanks so much Sandi, and please take care of yourself and your health.
