My concern is that if I am successful in detaching, will my W perceive it as me being cold and uninterested in her...a signal for her to proceed with the next steps? We are separated but living in the same house with the kids. My DB coach as suggested that I be warm and compassionate ("kill her with kindness")as a 180.
Take the advice of your DB coach. But killing her with kindness can be done from a detached position. As a matter of fact, it will only really work from a detached position. I'll explain how I see it - If you 'kill her with kindness' but internally your true intention is to have the situation turn around to your favor then your W will sense that and will react accordingly. It could be interpreted as a form of control or a non-genuine action. If you do it because it is the right thing for you to do because it's the kind of man you want to be, then you'll project that out and that's what you're W will read. And believe me, they WILL sense the intention behind the actions.
In the former you are not detached because you are basing your actions as a control mechanism to get your W to change and do what YOU want her to do. The latter one - well you're doing it because you want to make the change in YOU, and not a change in HER. Big difference in the two.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
