Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

You sound great! Must be this mountain air...! Enjoy your trip and your children. Your healthy attitude is contagious!

Hey mtn_dreams.

I feel pretty good...thanks! This mountain air is delicious! We got up early and drove down to Cave of the Winds and I took the kiddos through it. We all had a goodtime there. Then we went up to Flat Iron Crossing and shopped some more...then went to Northridge and shopped some more...then went to the Shops at Cherry Creek and did some more shopping! We ate tonight at Hacienda Colorado, and enjoyed it a lot. Now we're back at Castle Rock for the night. They'll probably stay up late again tonight on the computer and watching movies.

Thanks for the pat on the back mtn_dreams.

Are you doing OK?

[mnt_dreams]

antlers - sounds like a great trip so far. You're in my stomping grounds. You are a shopping fool! Those are some of the nicer malls we have, and I'm glad you enjoyed Cave of the Winds, Seven Falls, etc. I'm sure your kids will remember this special trip they took with you and you seem to be enjoying yourself as well. Nice job!

I'm doing well! I've had a string of good days going, from rafting and camping over the weekend to golf this week. Just keeping busy and GAL. It feels good to not obsess over WAS and just enjoy life, the great outdoors, and family. Seems the same is true for you at the moment. Enjoy the rest of your trip! If you haven't been to the USAFA or a Rockies game, that could be fun, or head up to one of the ski areas and ride a lift to the top of the mountain and walk/hike down. It's just beautiful in the mtns this time of year.

Take care!

[antlers]

So I get this text from her after I get in bed friday night and she accuses me of leaving the kids with her that night so I "could go out"! She said I just wanted her to think I was being nice by leaving them with her...so I could be manipulative like I've always been...and she said that's why she left and that's why she's never coming back!

Call her on this. She is mind reading and she is blaming you for her own conversation in her head.
"Actually wife I was not being manipulative, I was thinking of you by asking if you wanted the kids Friday night since I understand how you feel about being apart from them for so long. I am doing the right thing for myself. I was not being manipulative if you want to know what I am thinking or my intentions just ask. So next time don't think for me, if you need to know I'll be glad to fill you in.

Listen for her mind reading, her using phrases like - you always, you never, I do everything, you do nothing etc. and correct it when you hear it. You can change emotions by changing thoughts.

'I understand that you feel the way you do about me. I feel the way I do about you. I want a new marriage, but I want it to be with the mother of my children...you. If you divorce me, then we will go our separate ways. But I am remorseful for how I treated you and the kids in the past. And I care deeply for you and our kids. I wish it wouldn't have taken you leaving for me to become a better man, a better father, and a better partner...but it did...and I am. Be safe, and enjoy your trip'. (she was going to Texas to see her parents).

Honest and open from you. That felt good didn't it?

Cheers

Hi Coach.

I like what you wrote about her mindreading, and it's a response that I'll use when appropriate. Thanks. She says things like...'you haven't changed at all, and you never will'! I don't know if I should always respond when I get one of her hurtful texts? Sometimes I think it's OK to just let it alone. In the past, I'd always take the bait...but not now.

My response was honest and open, and completely from my heart. And yes...it felt really good! I meant every word I said.

[antlers]

Why would she get mad at me and acuse me of 'going out' for crying out loud?

IMO, Because she is suspicious and untrusting and you have adamantly insisted over and over that you understand that and feel she is justified.

But, it is not based on current reality, is it?

I understand her being suspicious and untrusting of me 'not changing'...but I don't understand her being suspicious and untrusting of me "going out"!

No...it's not based on current reality. I'm still married. Right now anyway, I see her as being so special and cherished by me...that I don't see how anybody else could even be a 'blip' on my radar screen.

[antlers]

Antlers, this is all good. Good for you!

I detect a power change happening in your situation. You've got her all flustered. Her angry behavior and snippy attitude CLEARLY show that you are still totally in her head. She's really angry about the past, you yourself have admitted she has reason to be angry. Just let her keep processing that anger. I think your text to her was perfect. Keep being the great guy you're being. Like I said before, your W might try being nice to you at some point, but realize it's a test. She has seen you consistently behaving differently, but that's with her gone and angry. She might try to test that consistency by changing her act a little bit. Maybe try being nice, or even purposefully bring up something she KNOWS really bugged you in the past, just to see that old you peak out and she can say to herself (or maybe even out loud to you) "See, there he is! I knew this was all a big show!"

Puppy said something profound in a post recently that struck me, and I think us LBS's should really take it to heart. He said something like

"We're told to believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do. If we don't believe they're thinking the same thing about us, we're fooling ourselves."

Hi futureunknown.

You really think all this anger and hurtful statements are 'all good'? Please elaborate some more for me. It's hard to get my head around it.

What do ya' mean about a power change? You think she's flustered? I thought her anger was subsiding, but recently it has come out full force again. I'm still in her head? Yeah...she has reason to be angry about the past. I hope she's processing it, and continues to do so. Thanks...my text was honestly from my heart...and I was pleased with it too. It felt good. I'm gonna continue getting better...no doubt! She's recently been telling me that I haven't changed at all...and never will!

We came back from Colorado this evening. Kiddos will spend the night with her the next 3 nights and she will bring them by Monday morning, and then the kids and I will leave again for a few days. My daughter was on the phone with her today while we were driving home, and my daughter told her that we were going to Great Wolf Lodge on Monday (a really nice indoor waterpark/hotel in Texas) for 3 days/nights. About a minute later I get the following text from my wife...

"I HATE YOU MORE AND MORE EACH DAY. I AM SO GLAD I'M NOT WITH YOU AND I WILL NEVER GO BACK. YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED ONE BIT AND YOU NEVER WILL. IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU."

Capitalized...like she was screaming at me!

I shed it like water off a duck's back. I haven't responded, and don't know that I will. I don't understand it...but I've been hearing lots of stuff like this from her recently.

Any feedback from any of you folks would be appreciated. I don't know about responding to this, or not?


futureunknown...how are you doing, man?

[antlers]

So I get this text from her after I get in bed friday night and she accuses me of leaving the kids with her that night so I "could go out"! She said I just wanted her to think I was being nice by leaving them with her...so I could be manipulative like I've always been...and she said that's why she left and that's why she's never coming back!

Call her on this. She is mind reading and she is blaming you for her own conversation in her head.
"Actually wife I was not being manipulative, I was thinking of you by asking if you wanted the kids Friday night since I understand how you feel about being apart from them for so long. I am doing the right thing for myself. I was not being manipulative if you want to know what I am thinking or my intentions just ask. So next time don't think for me, if you need to know I'll be glad to fill you in.

Listen for her mind reading, her using phrases like - you always, you never, I do everything, you do nothing etc. and correct it when you hear it. You can change emotions by changing thoughts.

'I understand that you feel the way you do about me. I feel the way I do about you. I want a new marriage, but I want it to be with the mother of my children...you. If you divorce me, then we will go our separate ways. But I am remorseful for how I treated you and the kids in the past. And I care deeply for you and our kids. I wish it wouldn't have taken you leaving for me to become a better man, a better father, and a better partner...but it did...and I am. Be safe, and enjoy your trip'. (she was going to Texas to see her parents).

Honest and open from you. That felt good didn't it?

Cheers

Dittos on the text. Nice job.

Hi BigJohn.

Thanks for the attaboy on the text. It felt really good to send it, especially after receiving the prior text from her that I did.

Hope you're doing OK.

[antlers]

antlers - sounds like a great trip so far. You're in my stomping grounds. You are a shopping fool! Those are some of the nicer malls we have, and I'm glad you enjoyed Cave of the Winds, Seven Falls, etc. I'm sure your kids will remember this special trip they took with you and you seem to be enjoying yourself as well. Nice job!

I'm doing well! I've had a string of good days going, from rafting and camping over the weekend to golf this week. Just keeping busy and GAL. It feels good to not obsess over WAS and just enjoy life, the great outdoors, and family. Seems the same is true for you at the moment. Enjoy the rest of your trip! If you haven't been to the USAFA or a Rockies game, that could be fun, or head up to one of the ski areas and ride a lift to the top of the mountain and walk/hike down. It's just beautiful in the mtns this time of year.

Take care!

Hey mnt_dreams.

We came back today, and it was a good trip. I really like the town of Castle Rock. My kids like to shop! I enjoyed being with the kiddos, and I enjoyed being 'up there' too!

I'm glad you're doing OK. Spending time active and outdoors is great! We spent our last day just messing around in Castle Rock and Denver. Took em' to the Hammond Candy Factory...and ended up going to the late movie at the theaters in Castle Rock. Came home through Raton and Amarillo today and this evening. It was a good trip for us all. I wore them out daily!

[antlers]

"I think its time to really put some space between you two. Back to the schedule. Obviously he can have his kid time, but family time might need to go on hold.

Limit phone converstaions, don't feel the need to chat beyond the basics. No need to make any bold statements or proclaimations. Just say you need some space, you're busy. The fog is too thick for him right now, and I can't stand to see you hurt each time he refuses to step out of it. He's got you as his best friend in his back pocket and knows it. Let him stumble around in there a bit. I think so much of this is really accepting that timey really is everything. The time for supporting him and showing interest, validating, etc. might not be right now. He's not ready to receive it for the truly amazing gift that it is.

Its like you told me. Build yourself a place of quiet safety, don't come out again until you are ready. Let him fully embrace LaLa land. Can you and the kids get away for any ammount of time? Maybe even just a few day trips this summer?

Everyone defines their own reality. Clearly his does not match yours at this time. Don't fight it. Don't analyze it or judge what it means or where its going. What matters right now is what is real to you, what you want to create in your life. Work on that, set the rest aside. I know it is going to be hard with the co parenting. I don't mean to minimize how that complicates things. But I think it is possible. You just need to keep your focus. Thinking of that Emerson quote- What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Don't ever discount yourself. Everything you have done so far you have done from strength and love. You've got this." - traveldane

This was posted to aliveandkicking by traveldane, and it was chock full of good information for her, and for many others here.

[aliveandkicking]

"I HATE YOU MORE AND MORE EACH DAY. I AM SO GLAD I'M NOT WITH YOU AND I WILL NEVER GO BACK. YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED ONE BIT AND YOU NEVER WILL. IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU."

Well, IMO, you are messing up her version of reality and she doesn't like it. You are happy and doing fun things with the kids and it pisses her off. AND, I think she's jealous.

I know, a lot of mind-reading there but it is what I think.

[futureunknown]

You really think all this anger and hurtful statements are 'all good'? Please elaborate some more for me. It's hard to get my head around it.

What do ya' mean about a power change? You think she's flustered? I thought her anger was subsiding, but recently it has come out full force again. I'm still in her head? Yeah...she has reason to be angry about the past. I hope she's processing it, and continues to do so. Thanks...my text was honestly from my heart...and I was pleased with it too. It felt good. I'm gonna continue getting better...no doubt! She's recently been telling me that I haven't changed at all...and never will!

Maybe saying it was "all good" is a bit of a stretch, but I mean it's good you clearly evoke such emotion in her. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Hate and love are close cousins.

What I mean about the power shift is that you're acting calm and confident, and she's ranting and raving. Seeing you this way is infuriating her. She definitely has a LOT of anger to process, and it's probably going to take a long time, but from what I can tell, you've gotten to place where you can wait, AND keep improving and enjoying your life.