K4D Rising #2

[EnoughAlready]

GTFM--trust me, you are not alone.

So Kevin, you have nothing to say about the AA meeting you supposedly went to????

[goingtofixME]

So I did everything wrong again. Why can't I think on my feet? I thought I had handled things pretty well and apparently I didn't. I guess I feel obligated to step in and be available when it comes to my kids. You are not available to your kids. You do this to one up your STBXW in your children's eyes and to still be available to your wife. When you are with your kids. You are not really with them. Your body is there, but your thoughts and mind are completely glued on your STBXW.

D7 was unhappy to see me picking her up after work. She was expecting to see her mom. I think she feels ripped off on her moms time when I am there. Did she tell you this or are you reading her mind too????

D11 had a very good week at church camp but didn't really fill me in on the details. She was kind of quiet and ate. So engage her in conversation and show her that you are interested in her!!!

Kevin

[ppenton]

So, Kevin what tools/skills did you pick up from your AA meeting? Did they have any ideas for you to follow up on? I have never been to an AA meeting but I think they would have some topics/ideas of things/homework for yourself to work on. In addition, I believe you can go to more than 1 meeting a week just like you can or should be able to go to C more often than you have been. I was going to my IC once a week for 5 months and now I have been going once a month. This is tough but seems to me you're making it much more worse than it needs to be.
Do any passages you read ever jump out at you or speak to you? I know you said you read the Bible, are you getting anything out of it? Its one of the many great resources, people have been pointing out to you on your threads.

[K4D]

GTFM,

That does hurt. What did I do that was codependent tonite? W wasn't going to be able to pick up D7 before 6pm which is when D7 has to be picked up by. I hung around for a bit and talked to D11 whom I haven't heard from all week and then I split out of there. I am not answering the phone when she calls. I blocked W from IMing me. I went to AA, am going to C, church, taking care of my responsibilities, etc. I'm not drinking anymore. I look for fun things to do with my kids. So I don't have a full blown entertaining life. I'm a nice person. I do love my family. I realize the mistakes that I made in the past. Yes, I struggle with moving on from W. But I am not pestering her. I help out where I can when asked because I feel like it is my job as a husband and father. I try to ask myself what would Jesus tell me to do as a husband and father.

I was going out a lot and was told that is filler time and not getting a life.

My biggest obstacle is not focusing on my W. It seems like if I can get past that, then I can really focus on other things which I am now trying to work on blocking her from my mind.

Granted I had a setback today after reading about the D that worked and I have seen some others work. But that probably would not work in my situation.

I think I am getting a little more comfortable at my place now.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

That does hurt. What did I do that was codependent tonite?

You dropped EVERYTHING to run to aide your W because you thought once again it would be a chance to prove how reliable and stable you are as a family man. But she doesnt see it that way. She sees you as "on call when she needs you and disposable when she doesnt need you". You should have been dependent on going to the AA meeting as planned but you chose to run to your W instead. Do you see how that is codependent?

W wasn't going to be able to pick up D7 before 6pm which is when D7 has to be picked up by. I hung around for a bit and talked to D11 whom I haven't heard from all week and then I split out of there.

If tonight was your W's night w/the children IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM THAT YOUR WIFE DID NOT MAKE THE PROPER ARRANGEMENTS to care for BOTH of her children and take her sister to the airport. And you "split out of there" because your W told you to go and essentially said she didnt need you anymore. If your D7 had to be picked up at 7 then your W should have (A) done it herself and arranged her schedule to be able to do that or (B) made arrangements with you in adnvance instead of at the last minute. That goes to show how little respect she has for you or your alone time on a Friday night.


I help out where I can when asked because I feel like it is my job as a husband and father. I try to ask myself what would Jesus tell me to do as a husband and father.

It is your job as a co-parent to work WITH your W. It is your job as a co-parent to be respected for your time. It is your job to be a good single dad (what you are now). You are NOT a husband right now and the more you try and act like one the less appealing you are to your W. I dont know how you dont see that. I cant speak for Jesus but my guess is he might suggest you start forming some bit of self worth and realize that being stomped on and used doesnt equate the "job" of a husband. You are separated and your M is over therefore your job of a husband is done. Your current jobs are (A) father (B) co-parent and (C) whatever 9-5 gig you hold.

I was going out a lot and was told that is filler time and not getting a life.

And you didnt really get what we are saying. You should be going out and meeting people and finding new things to do because it is FUN and will open new doors for you socially. And yes, it is part of getting a life but its only a small part of it. The main part is working on your life from the inside. There is not a reason in the world you cant do both. You cant go see a C a few times a week, go to AA a few times a week, work 40 hours a week and have no fun outlet. But you dont do the pressing things (C'ing, AA, detach, rebuild you), you just do the fun stuff. Do both.

My biggest obstacle is not focusing on my W. It seems like if I can get past that, then I can really focus on other things which I am now trying to work on blocking her from my mind.

Blocking her from your mind is NOT detaching because eventually she will creep back in. Please define what you feel detaching is in your own words.

Granted I had a setback today after reading about the D that worked and I have seen some others work. But that probably would not work in my situation.

Nothing will work. Accept it. The only thing that will work is working on you which you still have not done.

I have to thank you because you are giving me a terrific opportunity to really see how far my patience can be stretched. Each time I (we) ask you to write goals with very specific parameters you dont do it but you can tell us you had pizza and it was good.

I wont beg and plead and ask anymore. Do whatever the hell you want. You get more attention than anybody on this entire site yet you have made the least progress. Can you help me understand why? Help me help you.

[goingtofixME]

Kevin,

You didn't just have a setback today. Your whole situation is one setback after another. I am not a mean person at all. In fact, I am an extremely tolerant and caring person, but there comes a time when I feel pushed to my limits and I will confront someone. I have read and read your situation for months. I've been here since April and your responses and who you are haven't changed. It's maddening and it makes people who give you sound advice feel taken advantage of. *cue you typing back, I'm trying, blah blah blah* I think you upset me so much because you resemble my STBXH. You are codependent because you have no life of our own. You are existing. When you have your children you plan these fun things to do, but all during these fun things you are focused on it showing your STBXW what a great father you are in hopes that it will open her eyes and make her take you back. You are not doing these things with your children to further your relationship with them and to help yourself. Everything you do is in the hopes that it will change your STBXW's mind. Nothing is for Kevin and it certainly isn't for your children. Get a life! Do things simply because you enjoy them. Do things because they are fun and you are building relationships with your daughters. Do not do things to further your agenda to get back together with your STBXW. LET HER GO! SHE IS GONE! If I were her, I would stay gone as well. You are the actual ball and chain that is referenced when getting married. You are the drowning man who someone tries to save and he pulls you under trying to claw his way for air. You have got to change. There is no other plan. No other option. Remaining who you are is only going to get you what you have always got.

[CityGirl]

Kevin, let me ask you to help me figure out this "case scenario".

What if I posted to the group that this morning I found out one of my kidneys was not working properly and my dr. said the *only* way the could get it working properly was for me to go to the hospital at 6pm. Know I have lupus and my kidneys often are "attacked" by my disease I think you would urge me to follow the dr's orders. Because we only have 2 kidneys and they arent passing them out for free at the supermarket if one goes bad.

Now lets say my H called me and said he needed something at 6pm that very same evening and I said sure, I can put what I need to do for me and *my* health on the back burner for a while all in the name of being a good wife. Because even though he treats me like garbage and has been in a 1.5 yr long affair its still my job to be a good wife.

May I assume that you would tell me I am nuts and my health for the short and long term must come first? Or would you tell me to drop my dr's appt to repair my kidney and go see my H knowing full well he only called because he needed something. Because hey, whats a kidney anyhow?

Please advise me on what to do.

[goingtofixME]

CG,

I happen to know a girl who works on the transplant team here in Alabama. Anytime you need a kidney girl. I've got your back.

[CityGirl]

I will keep that offer in mind... hopefully I will NEVER have to worry about such things but you are sweet to let me know!

(((hugs))))

[25yearsmlc]

So, Kevin what tools/skills did you pick up from your AA meeting? Did they have any ideas for you to follow up on? I have never been to an AA meeting but I think they would have some topics/ideas of things/homework for yourself to work on.

Why yes there is a "topic" or step (of the 12 Step program) that is discussed each week. People share what that step meant for them or how it is challenging them. They give tips on what helped them. At each meeting the Serenity prayer is said, and people are encouraged to share and learn. I have not ever been to a meeting that did not teach me something I needed to hear.
Doing the steps help you in LIFE and so does practicing the serenity prayer. Detaching is part of it and you read an AA book, the "Black Book" and it too discusses how drinking or using affects you spiritually and emotionally and all aspects of your life. It cannot but help you. You do NOT have to be an alcoholic or addict to benefit from attending meetings and that is why they have Open meetings at some places so not drinkers can attend and learn. Recovery is a process that begins with the cessation of drinking/using but that is hardly the main part of it and it is but one of many many "Steps" necessary. If all you do to "recover" is stop drinking, you are what is known as a "Dry alcoholic" and you are not in recovery. For you to say nothing means you didn't go or you didn't listen... I mean You have to really work hard to RESIST AA to learn nothing from it...or just be so preoccupied with your new obsession. I have to wonder if the reason your wife was not so interesting to you while you were married is b/c you had booze but now that it is gone, you have replaced your addiction. WIth her. Suddenly she is essential to your happiness but when you were married, the booze was enough...Pay attention to your life Kevin, it is the only one you're getting and you're almost in the 2nd Act...and you don't appear to be directing or starring in your only show.


In addition, I believe you can go to more than 1 meeting a week just like you can or should be able to go to C more often than you have been.

Why YES you can attend countless FREE meetings as often as you like. The standard advice is to attend at least one per day for 90 days...that's correct, "90 meetings in 90 days"...and then you adjust to your schedule as it fits but it IS THE PRIORITY in your life. For life. Kevin, are you close to anyone else in your family? If not, why not? If so, call them.
j-



I was going to my IC once a week for 5 months and now I have been going once a month. This is tough but seems to me you're making it much more worse than it needs to be.
Do any passages you read ever jump out at you or speak to you? I know you said you read the Bible, are you getting anything out of it? Its one of the many great resources, people have been pointing out to you on your threads.