Okay, so I've been reading but I think I must have missed another part somewhere. At any rate, I thought I read where she had a teenager by her first M and that the two of you had a four year old child. Is that correct? I was wondering b/c you have mentioned the dogs several times but have not said a word about your child. Did I read the wrong thread???
Well, I finally saw the ages of both of you and that helped. But, I disagree with you regarding her "maturity" b/c unfortunately, she is NOT mature for her age. She is about "normal" on the maturity level.....as far as I can tell. She is terribly dramatic and co-dependent, but again that seems to be the norm for a lot of 21 year old girls.
You, OTOH, have me confused b/c of your up & down resolutions. If you were 21, I might not think too much about it, but a man doesn't get on an emotional "high" one day and decide he's going to do all this "stuff" where his M is concerned and the next day he's turned over yet another leaf and decides to do a completely different technique. And, when you speak of her not contacting the OM in a couple of days (and then I think it got up to 12)......I don't know where to start. I'm not meaning to sound sarcastic, but it has my head spinning. Both of you are so erratic and until there is some type of even level of emotions in this stitch, I don't know if there will be any positive changes.
It is obvious how co-dependent she is and you've admitted that you are also......and that is a good step in admitting that. It may take everyone keeping you straight to get out of that co-dependency! I do believe you can do it.
I think I'm talking in circles myself, so I'll cut to the chase and tell you that (unless you find out that she really does have a disease)......you should tell her that you do not want to reconcile at this time. When you do that, then it will automatically cause her desire to go back to you, jack up to about the highest level. Why? B/c you are making yourself unavailable. Suddenly you are telling her that you don't want to be with her!! Wow, that would be a switch, huh? She wants what she can't have, so if she thinks she can't have you, then she'll knock herself out trying to get you. When her mother was discouraging her from reconciling, that is when she started the talk about "dating" each other or living together but not getting M. I feel that she sees that as being more exciting to know that the two of you were not legally M and that her mother wasn't in favor of it. When it is "taboo", then she likes it more. Goes back to wanting what she can't have. It also speaks of her age and the fantasy of what she thinks a MR should be like.
A blind person could see she isn't ready to turn you lose. She got jealous at the "thought" of you on a date. I think a lot of junk she tells you is to keep you dangling on a string. Girls like her do that all the time, and if you don't put an end to it.....she will continue to jerk you around until you don't know your own mind anymore. In many ways, when the H is M to a much younger woman, he has to step in and.....how shall I say this??......almost be like a "father figure". It's like Puppy said, women connect respect with love. If you put your foot down (by setting boundaries) about things she does & says, then it would probably help her stop playing these stupid games. She is playing you, you know. I suspect she does everyone like this, but of course she's worse with you.
I don't know what all happen in her past and it's not neccessary to know. But she is unstable in her R's and I think all those phone numbers you see, is her making calls to more than one man. Perhaps she is on chat boards and getting their phone numbers......I don't know, but she calling somebody and if it were people you knew, wouldn't you recognize the numbers? Just my thoughts.
If you tell her that you do not want to reconcile at this time......she will run you ragged if you don't keep a handle on it. You need to be firm in your stand and let her know that until she shows more stability in her life, trying to reconcile will not last. And, it won't!! She wouldn't be there two weeks until you would be going through this all over again b/c she's wishy-washy. She doesn't know what she wants. But you......you can get your life on an even keel and get your own self improvements in line, and strengthen the areas that need work. You don't give enough reasonable time for anything. You talk as if in two days everything should be different. It doesn't work like that and you should be old enough and have experienced life enough to know that. Both of you need a lot of "time" before reuniting.
In the meantime, you do not explain to her what you are doing!! You must get this. I could not believe you actually told her some of the things you did. That is like exposing your game plan to the opposing team. I promise you that the techniques will not be effective if you expose them to her. Just use the tools DR gives you......don't explain them to her.
If you decide to go this route, you must be determine that she does not yank you around. Do not allow her to call you wanting to know what you are doing, etc. Stop the daily contacts. Go out and live your life. Can you do that? Can you detach from her and GAL? I haven't seen you detach yet. Anyway, we can talk about it more, later, if you want.
Let me know about the child.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I 