The one thing I've learned from my research and my own divorce, is not to be haphazard with people's hearts. To me, the fact that you'd dissuade your own daughter, is the reason we should dissuade AFWAW from dating this 27 YO. Just in case she is in over her head and will be hurt, why not just find another women he is more sure will not be hurt? Why take the risk that she does not know what's she's in for? Why wouldn't we advise people to protect the hearts of new people they are dating, and to make appropriate adjustments when there is any possiblily of her getting hurt.
And she's got the potential to be really really hurt, not just hurt like you are from a relationship that breaks up. We all go through that. But being the unmarried girl dating the married man who is going through hell, you get a certain worse type of heartbreak. Why wouldn't we try to protect her from that?
There are 1000's of women potentially available to AFWAW, once he starts looking around. How about picking one who really "gets" what is going to be ahead for her?
There are several who will! And who will be happy to help AFWAW through his rough time and help him nurse his wounds and help him realize his potential as a MAN again. And many of them will be able to really empathize and understand him and what he's going through.
Its not about dating. Its about not putting other's hearts at risk if we think there is any chance of their future heartbreak. A more appropriate woman - say a divorced 32 YO with kids and a handful of life experiences - who really REALLY digs him - now that is out there and it is aplenty...why risk the younger one who likely will fall madly in love and get her heart broken?
The same way there is a script to WAW's and a formula to DB'ing, in the dating world there are also scripts and formulas. One of those formulas for single people is to NOT date a married person who is not divorced yet, because you will end up a casualty of their healing process. But that advice is given to a single person who is looking for a relationship. If the single person is just looking to date and doesn't want a commitment right now and doesn't have expectations for love in the near future, then dating a married person going through a divorce is fine.
My guess, and yes this is purely a guess, is that the 27YO is a single gal who is looking for love and marriage, not to just casually date a married man until he gets his act togther and gets divorced down the line.
I'll bow out now. I am having a hard time understanding why "doing the right thing" doesn't apply in this situation in PDT's opinion. But maybe I'm just way misunderstanding this thing. All I'm saying is, protecting her (27 yo's) heart should be important to AFWAW, and if she could get hurt, he should look somewhere else.
Sorry...I agree with DQ. This whole scenario gave me the cold chills, because it was exactly what happened to me when I was 27. Ouch!! Trust me, I was not stupid, not an infant and knew what I wanted in life at 27. A 40 yr old divorced man was not the best choice for me in hindsight. I guess that was partly "false advertising" on his part...shame on him.
Anyway, I agree wholeheartedly that AFWAW shouldn't date until he is D. I wouldn't put it past his WAW to turn HIM in for "cheating" on her.
The one thing I've learned from my research and my own divorce, is not to be haphazard with people's hearts.
Where are you coming up with this stuff? So we have somehow morphed into AFWAW will be haphazard with a 27 year old's heart..
We COULD also say that he has learned so awful much from DB'ing that he now knows EXACTLY how to treat a woman and will be the most wonderful date she has ever had because now he is no longer a DAM.
HE will know how to validate her from the first date.
He will know how to GAL if she doesn't want to go out a second time
He will know to look for her "love language"
He will know when to only listen and not give her advice.
She WANTS to go out with him. She IS an adult. HE is an adult.
Going out is NOT getting married. It is NOT having sex...
There is NO guarantee when two people go out that someone is not going to get hurt.
AGE has nothing to do with this.
Two adults are perfectly capable of making their own decision on whether they want to see each other.
I wouldn't dissuade my own daughter from dating an older man year old.She is old enough to make her own decisions and as a matter of fact, she SHOULD be making her own decisions. She just got hurt in a relationship. She not only survived the hurt but it made her smarter and wiser.... I have no business telling her to go out with or not to go out with. It is her choice.
Almost ever person that I have ever gone out with in my entire life has some relationship baggage and a "special somone" or has come out of a relationship and have some baggage...
ALMOST ALL OF US HAVE BAGGAGE when we are between relationships. All relationships end but the one you are currently in.
This whole scenario gave me the cold chills, because it was exactly what happened to me when I was 27. Ouch!! Trust me, I was not stupid, not an infant and knew what I wanted in life at 27.
So you were not stupid, not an infant, and knew what you wanted
AND
You DID go out with him right? Wanted to right?
So are you blaming HIM?
Ok. So you had a relationship that didn't work.
We ALL have been hurt from a relationship. I don't think it escapes many...
Whew! I went back and read this thread from the beginning just to see what the fuss was about. So I'm not about to go to another page without commenting. 27 years old is a mature woman in my book. She should have been up and down and around the town once or twice already. She knows what she is doing flirting with an older man. She has the capacity and the right to choose who she wants to date. AFWAW says "Would you like to go out?" And right there, she has the right to say yes or no. And all along she has the choice to put her heart in or not. I don't know about your 25 year old daughter, but my 24 year old daughter has no interest in my opinion on her dates, and she most certainly thinks I shuld have NO opinion on anyone else's dates. Period. Go have a good time AFWAW.
WOW...This got hot real fast. Everyone has a good point. I think a few that need to be thought of first are...
1) AFWAW doesn't want to date someone else...he is not there yet and still cares for his wife and hopes this will go away...it is not.
2) AFWAW needs to be careful in jumping into another relationship...he is retirement eligible and could find himself losing a good portion of his retirement...even for a short marriage if he is active duty, marries someone else and then divorces later.
3) AFWAW is a married SNCO in the USAF. For him to become involved with someone else sexually while still married is a violation of Art 134 of the UCMJ.
According to the UCMJ...A marriage exists until it is dissolved in accordance with the laws of a competent state or foreign jurisdiction. (Bottom line...you are married until divorced)
Maximum punishment.
Dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for 1 year.
(No, he will not get punished...as long as he is not in a supervisor role over this 27-yr old)
John, Everything everyone is telling you is correct...perhaps dating might make your W come home. No one knows. No two situations are the same. Don't forget you are a SNCO in the USAF and you have a different set of rules to follow. Doesn't matter what your W is doing...you don't have permission to break the rules just because she is...
Make your decisions based on your wants and needs...forget the hot sex with a 27-yr old. That one and another dozen will still be there when you get a divorce. I know she doesn't in any way work for you are the possibility exsist for her to work for you...correct. Not allowed and you know it.
Get you thoughts together and make something happen...with your current relationship. End it if you have to but don't play these games. Decide what you want to do...if it is your W tell her what you want. If she doesn't agree go file. Get your divorce and then go date. Dont' forget you are not a civilian and have a different set of rules to follow.
...as usual; take care of D, stay away from the booze, work on your whole-person concept and, enjoy life...life is TOO short for this crap. You are almost 6-mths into this...end it one way or the other...you are the one letting it go on not your wife.
active duty, marries someone else and then divorces later.
3) AFWAW is a married SNCO in the USAF. For him to become involved with someone else sexually while still married is a violation of Art 134 of the UCMJ.
According to the UCMJ...A marriage exists until it is dissolved in accordance with the laws of a competent state or foreign jurisdiction. (Bottom line...you are married until divorced)
Maximum punishment.
Dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for 1 year.
In light of this, I have changed my opinion. For the record.
