My first game plan was smothering and constant relationship talk (yes we went from bad to worse very quickly!), then I found this website. I think three months ago he also had a depressive episode, and was acting like a teenager. I stopped all physical contact as well.
In the last three months we were supposed to be giving our relationship a last chance, but whenever we would start to have friendship moments etc he would leave the room and back right off. Kind of like he had made up his mind us separating would be the answer already.
It has only been in the last couple of weeks since we have agreed to separate that he has relaxed, will chat to me on the phone about work and dreams, started to call me old pet names again and feels much more comfortable sitting in the same room watching TV with me every day. I am also getting hugs, although our dog just died so it may have been a series of friendship hugs but I will still take em.
Anyway, thanks again, I am note sure if I should encourage the upcoming household separation given it would be really difficult for our two little toddlers, although I could handle it ok. Should I leave the choice to him? I know he really feels like he wants to control his life for the first time, he has been perfectably capable but has not bothered until now.
I haven't posted in a while; I guess I wanted to try to find a peace within myself and its been very up and down. I am not coping too well; its half three in the morning and I have had a disturbed sleep; woken up and thought, yes, its time to write again.
Things have been quiet my end in terms of incidents, my H does not have ANY contact with me unless its relation to our D. When he does leave a phone message at home he states very clearly that he wants to speak to D and gets off the phone. There is NO discussion about me, my mother, my health, my life, my work, the house (which is still ironically half his home).His lack of emotion is frightening.
We had a brief chat last Tuesday morning about mediation which we have this morning. I am not entirely convinced by it but I understand taht we have to be seen to be trying this method as we need to work out access and it is contentious on a number of fronts; primarily whether my H is going to slepp in the house/stay overnight during the week. He wants to, I dont think its appropriate as he is now living with OW. Does any one have any experience in relation to this issue and could tehy advise. I firmly feel that this is morally inept, confusing for our D and in some ways precipitating further upset for her by creating new and ongoing tension between us in the house if he does return.
We had another court hearing on Monday; I have finally been awarded maintenance which is such a relief.It was settled away from the judge so it isn't a court order and therefore doesn't set a precedent;my H is still under protection order though. Both are going to be held in a full hearing at the end of September; if I don't drop the safety order before then.I am relieved that my H will finally have to pay me money which is so needed at the moment. I have gone for 6 months without him paying one cent in child or spousal maintenance and it has been so, so difficult. I feel ambivalent at best about the sfaety order; I have s many people saying that its important that its still in place so that I and my daughter have protection, and that the only reason that he has behaved over this period is that he is under the protection order that he has already breached once. I understand where they are coming from but my morality speaks so strongly; I don't know whether these orders have been the best or the worse thing for my R with my H.I dont know whether through my need to take them out I have in some way sabotaged the possibility of reconciliation in teh future or whether I have defined teh way that he will view me and, in a sense, the way I may perceive him, in the future.
This leads me to the struggles taht I face now in terms of his lack of emotion towards me. I should be happy (and I am) that he is not blocking out our D as I know some WAH do. This relieves me. She deserves her Daddy. But where I am concerned he has emotionally switched me off. COMPLETELY. I wonder whether it is MLC, or just not caring about me, literally being FULLY OVER ME and in a a new emotional life with OW. It has been 6 months since my H walked out on me and our D. 6 long and tortuous months. In that time there have been huge pluses, huge opportunities for growth and huge, huge upset. An emotional rollercoaster. The more I read about MLC, there more I do realise my husbands links to MLC and it does give me a valid place to hang my beliefs and opinions. Yes, as far as I am concerned, he snapped about me, our M and living with me at the end of January; OW was then in the picture in EA/PA and that was that. The person that I have loved and still do was gone. he person who has loved me, supported me, cared for me was gone and is now replaced by a man who knows of my suffering, both emotionally and in terms of my health and does not say ANYTHING to me about it. Is this normal MLC behaviour?
The problem is, and I know this might seem strange to everyone out there, Snodderly, Peace, Sandi I would very much welcome your thoughts on this. I still love my H. I married for life, I believe in God and that he hates divorce. Even after everything that has happened I still have some hope, almost like trying to keep the door open but GAL at the same time. I DO NOT CONTACT HIM. There is no pressure. I talk with him about our D when needed, either in person, text or email. Aside from this contact there is NOTHING. He does not speak to me when there is exchange/crossover of our D in the house; ignores me unless there is a pressing issue about D and then of curse he will acknowledge me and I will respond, usually well although sometimes I do find it difficult.I am concerned that it is not in our D's best interests that we do not speak when she is present but even though my H says he is more than happy to talk to me in theory, in practice he RARELY does, and always not personal.I find this soul destroying. I have suffered so much in the past 6 months, especially with my health and there is nothing, nothing at the moment that would suggest that we have been in a marriage emotionally, he has ripped it apart and cruelly taken it away. I have NO CONTACT with my step-daughters at his and now their insistence, his family that I have always been close to over the last ten years I now have no contact with in any way and my SIL is dying as we speak. I am in real grief about not seeing them, it is such a loss. My SIL (other one, not the one who is dying) was with my H at court the other day. It is the first time that I have seen her since I was in her house at the end of Jan, when my H was leaving and I didn't understand what was going on. I was obviously distraught and she was trying to tell me to "pull myself together". She has not contacted me since and when she saw me out the front of the courthouse she just stared at me blankly and then forced the most grimacing smile at me I have ever seen, then proceeded to walk off in the other direction with my H. My heart broke. Literally broke. I have always been close to her, I went into labour with our D in her house. Now this.
My H's coldness......He spoke to em Monday morning (in teh mediation discussion) and summarised our situation as it currently stands from his perspective. It was so hurtful; like readinga shopping list/or a recipe.
"We have been together ten years, married for 6 of them. Now we are not and wont be. We need to find a new dispensation, a new way of living"
End of discussion. Cold, unfeeling, no emotion. Like someone describing ingredients and directions of how to make a cake. s this MLC behaviour? Or is it simply now, after 6 months of unrelenting focus and resolve (admittedly mixed with tears and other small confusions at times), a situation where he has literally GOT OVER ME. but if so, why cant he ask me how I am, about my life, talk to me as a human being and not as an automon mother?
I am sorry if I keep going round in circles. I guess I am hoping that it is a WAH in MLC here. It would give me perameters which I can understand.
I have also been sitting with the possibility that in a lot of ways I have been going through my own version of a MLC over the last 5 years, it manifesting itself through my drive with my career and my work. I have COME OUT OF THE FOG only to find that my H is NOW IN THE FOG.
Does anyone have any experience of this sort of thing?
Thanks for taking time to read my posting, I am very appreciative everyone. Snodderly and Sandi, it would be wonderful to hear your insights.
I am trying to let go and let God and stay positive about my life but I feel that there is no hope for my M. I want to think that even if this M is dead that there can be a way forward for me and my H in the future in a new and even better R but he seems to not want that in any way. He has said that our M is dead, his love for me is dead and when something is dead it can never be revived.I am a person who does believe in the realm of possibility in life but he has said that he sees no possibility here. And there is nothing I can do except just stand back and see the love of my life, my H, move off and live a life, whatever it is (fling/relationship) with OW. I just don't know where there is hope here.
do any of you or have any of you heard of sitch's that have been like this, or worse, where couples have then down the road reconciled and found each other again. He seems to have gone and moved so far away. Our lives are so far apart at his insistence.
I know this is tearing you apart. So many people are affected by one person's actions. Friendships and family are often never the same after a couple has D. Naturally, you don't want any of that to change but people, like your SIL, think they have to choose sides and therfore leave you in your pain. These things are really bad, but you can't do much about it. Remember to keep your dignity and integridy and no matter how much you want somebody to see the "truth", you can't compromise these traits in order to keep them in your life.
Yes, there have been M that have been as bad as yours that did survive in the end. I may have told you about "imLin" who use to post to me when I first came on board. I think she stopped for a long time b/c her life was so busy after she and her H got back together. You may want to check her thread out in the MLC forum and see if she still checks in from time to time. Her H was in MLC and living with OW and was ready to M OW. It was horrible. It took about five years before he finally came out of his MLC and went back to her. I think she said they were together a year before he could finally tell her that he loved her. Frankly, I could never go through what she did. I'm just not that way, but I really admired her and she helped me so much and gave me the information I needed. You would think that she would not even want to talk to me since I was a WAW......but she wasn't that way at all. Anyway, maybe that will give you hope.
I have been posting to another LBW whose WAH treats her so awful that I get upset with her taking his mess. I know it is easy for me to sit on this side of the computer and say, "don't do this or that", and it's another thing for the LBW to apply the principles. The time it takes to reach the place of emotionally detaching is so hard. I do believe, as I've told you before, that one can detach and continue to have hope for the future.
He is not in his right frame of mind and you must expect him to act completely opposite from the man you M. If you don't.....then you are going to suffer beyound what you are experiencing now. I pray that his MLC will not last as long as Lin's H did and he'll wake up to realize what he's doing. In the meantime, you know that you have to move forward. It would not be healthy for you to try to stay in this mental place that you are at this time. I believe that you are the woman who can throw herself into loving her child and mother and who will live each day to the fullest extent that you are able.
Shannon, I realize I'm repeating myself, but hopefully it will help you. I have seen God heal what I thought was hopeless situations.....and especially R's. I believe in the power of prayer and I know what He has done for me and my H's R. Therefore, I won't tell you to walk away and never love this man anymore. I don't think you could stop loving him if you tried! But I do think God will give you strength to carry on with living......and we don't know how long you may have to live without your H in your personal life. Try to pour your love into those who will rejoice in it and keep your love for your H for when he's ready to receive it again.
I do believe that it would be much better for your health if you can emotionally drop the rope and do not consentrate on him. He has to get through whatever this is that has happen to him. I hope he will come out the other side of this crises in tact, but that is just something you'll have to wait and see. Please do not blame yourself or beat yourself to a pulp b/c it would not change anything! This is his choice and his crises. It became your crises also, but you have the option to go on living a rich life in spite of what he has done to you. Right now, it does not sound at all possible, does it? However, there are many people who have come here to this board and felt the same way. They were surprised when they discovered that they could place one foot in front of the other and begin taking steps toward a new life. If he came back tonight, I don't think your lives would be the "old" one again. So, think of this as a new life and in time, it will be a good life. Give yourself time to grieve and to heal. Stop being so hard on yourself when you think somebody has rejected your friendship and chooses to go a different way. It is their loss b/c you are a good person. I think you are terrific! Believe in yourself and those who love you. Your live with him was not in vain, and maybe the two of you will have a future yet. You can continue to pray to that end.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Glad to hear you're feeling better. I had a question.
For the past few days, my W has been in a generally better mood than she has been in the past. All this would be great, however, I notice that her mind will wander off and she'll be daydreaming. Quite often. When she does so, she'll either smile to herself or just have a hang dog look on her face.
I know I'm getting paranoid, and that she will have residual feelings for the OM especially since they are working together. However I am also wondering if there is someone else at work that she's interested in.
Should I ask her what she's thinking about? Or should I just let it slide? I think if I were to ask her, she'd say, "nothing".
I'd appreciate your thoughts.
Thanks.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you so so very much for your wonderful post; your words mean so much at this time.
I have read your post over a few times and things are slowly, albeit very slowly sinking in. It is so very hard considering everything that has happened in the last few months to think that my H and I could ever find a new relationship together. BUT I AM ALSO STARTING TO REALISE just how much it is up to him to look at me in a different way if that were to happen; and i guess i have to keep moving forward as if that is not going to happen.
My H and I had mediation yesterday morning about the shared care plan. It was a mess and somewhat a waste of time which saddens me. I would have hoped that we would have been able to srt something out. As of now we have no plan fo care for our daughter for the summer vacation from Monday onwards.
The time was spent discussing the issues (general) around access. seeing my H at the moment is very, very difficult. I struggle so much. He seems so indifferent Sandi. He doesnt even seem angry anymore, just over it. Mind you, he is a playwright, excellent at creating illusion, crafting narrative and argument and creating facade and masks. But his basic MO there was very benign but firm and resolute about there being no chance of reconciliation, wishing me the very best etc. Also wanting to apparently move back into the house 1-2 nights a week but making it quite clear that teh only reason he would do so would be for solely our D not because he has any monetary or emotional connection to the house or certainly no connection to me. I made it clear that I didnt feel taht it was appropriate for him to be sleeping in the house when, since January he has been co-habiting with OW, and that our daughter would be highly confused and the tension that would ensue from both of us being in the same space would definitely not be good for her. I suggested that he find his own place, renting etc, not OW house and that way our D could spend time in each place and that this would be setting up reasonable and clear boundaries for her in terms of the reality of our lives as it stands.
Personally I am struggling with the possibility of him being/sleeping in the marital home when i am in still so much grief and he has, it appears, happily moved on (although he admitted less than 2 weeks ago that he was going through the biggest crisis of his life) and that every time he left here he would be spending the remainder of the week with OW in her house. He is not giving her up, I know him and he wouldn't admit that he is in "R" with anyone unless its serious. It causes me so much pain and I know that there is nothing that I can do about it. She seems to be everything that he wants in relation to me which is everything that he actively doesn't want. I know that I am a good person, talented, loving, intelligent but what is wrong with me that I feel that I should be trying to COMPETE with her. He is so resolute, moved on etc yet I cant see how someone can be after only 5 months if they were really honest with themselves......and of course another M/W will always complicate things.......i feel he is so gone and whatever hope i have is fleeting moments.......
He doesn't want to be, in his own words "living like an itinerant, moving from sister to sister with our D to stay there, spending vast amount of money taking our D out to restaurants etc, being a McDonalds dad- whatever that is- that he ideally wants around 50-50 access but does not believe one week on, one week off is appropriate for D's perspective, although he admitted that for him personally having a week without D would be fine so he could "get on with his own life". I was just shocked but maybe I take this too personally.
He spoke about the template that his first wife and him have used with my step-daughters and how it has been extremely positive. He told the mediator that his first wife left him; she did this to him and now he is doing it to me (this really hurt-projection, or just cruel life cycles being played out?)
He also believes that our D is fully accepting of his decision to end the M. He has EMPHATICALLY DENIED that he has let the house????, and that he has abandoned or D or me???????? He was quite clear in saying that he said to our D "daddy has ended the marriage to Mummy because I wasn't happy, Mummy wasn't happy and he didn't want D to see any more fights/tension. What he actually said to her beginning of Feb was radically different to that; that he had ended things because he didn't love me anymore and that he thought I was moving to London, a complete fabrication. How can he make such a radical decision that affects all of our lives on a whim that all of us are unhappy? He said that he said to our D that he wishes me only the best (talk from someone who is indifferent and has moved on?)
He had our D overnight in Co.Kerry, was taking my SD and her friend down to an Irish speaking summer camp for three weeks. Used OW car as it is a 4x4. I did not want our D in her car and told him so. Do I have a right to say this. This hurts.
At this stage I just wish that I wasnt so emotionally invested. I am only being repeatedly hurt by someone who, at first I thought may be in denial and MLC but the more I look at him the more that I think he has just moved on. Even his anger seems to not be there, or if it is he is hiding it well.......Any thoughts?
In relation to my family here (his sisters etc) all of their birthdays fall within this coming week; in fact my SIL who was at court last Monday shares the same birthday as me (next Tuesday, 30th June). I have sent them all a card wishing them happy birthday and saying how grateful I have been over the years for their kindness, acceptance and support f me and Kath. i know I probably wont hear anything from them but I wanted them to know I guess how I truly view them and have felt about them. I also gave my 15 year old SD a card to congratulate her on her recent school exams and to let her know how special she has been to me.
Maybe this hasn't been the right thing to do but.......
I want to drop the rope, am trying everyday to drop the rope I am trying to be the best person that I can be for me, whoever that is. I want to be a great mother to our D, I want to be happy, I want a loving relationship in my life. Ideally my H and I will find each other again but it seems such an impossibility. He has told me it is in words, and in actions.
If he is in crisis this is not obvious in any way. He wants no personal contact with me except about our D. He has redirected his mail from our house to an "alternative address".Maybe I should just accept this?
I am trying to look after my health and focus on what makes me happy in my life; what brings joy to my life.
And I am truly grateful to everything that people have said to me over the last few months on this board.
Thanks so much Sandi, and please take care of yourself and your health.
Hi Stuck, always good to hear from you. BTW, you have been giving excellent advice to others on their posts.
Quote:
For the past few days, my W has been in a generally better mood than she has been in the past. All this would be great, however, I notice that her mind will wander off and she'll be daydreaming. Quite often. When she does so, she'll either smile to herself or just have a hang dog look on her face.
I know I'm getting paranoid, and that she will have residual feelings for the OM especially since they are working together. However I am also wondering if there is someone else at work that she's interested in.
First of all, it is quite normal for you to be paranoid! Second of all, it's that same old four letter word I say over and over.....T.I.M.E. I doubt that she could even explain her own emotions right now. She is in a "transition" and it is very hard for both of you. The place your R is in is very, very tough and neither of you feel secure. You are worried if she'll backslide or find yet another man. She doesn't understand herself or why she feels like she does and I would venture to guess that she would love to get back to her old self and feel "normal" again.
The daydreaming looks she has could be anything. Of course, your mind jumps to all the negative things it might be. I'm not saying she won't ever think of OM, b/c as I've said many times....it is a process that she has to get through and she has to get over those misconceptions & feelings she had toward him. Not easy for the H to sit back and observe. It takes a lot of love and patience......not to mention forgiveness. In fact, every time you see one of those far away gazes....you may have to forgive her all over again b/c I'm sure it stirs all those bad memories up. I think a MR is one continual act of forgiving each other! I don't know that I've ever said it just like that, but let's face it.....how many weeks go by that we don't have to overlook our S in something they say or do? We are M to imperfect people...
Stuck, I wish I could promise you that everything will be okay. I do know you are trying very hard and I am proud of the work you've done thus far. If she doesn't find herself and if she were to end up leaving the M, I want you to know that you are a great guy that any woman would be crazy for leaving! Show that self-confidence and be "Mr. Personality" and make her glad that she chose to stay with you....at least to the best of your ability. I think I can safely promise that you will never be sorry for giving this MR the best shot you had to give. I bet you never thought you could do the things you've done and grow like you have. You've accomplished a lot and you can be proud of that.
B/c of your experience in this stitch, you are being a huge help to others. I've noticed you on a lot of the men's threads, but you can also help women on theirs. Women need the view point of a man. Even if they are a LBW, it helps to know the thought process of a man. We will never be able to think like the opposite sex.....but wouldn't life be boring if we did? Hey, we have to laugh when we can!
Have a good weekend, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I hope that you are feeling well and that you are having a good weekend.
I really need your advice and help so if you can please do post back. It is my birthday on Tuesday. I have organised to fly to London late Monday night to spend my birthday with one of my best friends who lives there with her family. I wanted to spend it with someone who really wants to see me and where I can be away from the sitch here and not reminded of my H etc. I am flying late Monday night and wanted to have dinner with my D7 and my Mum but my H usually has our D on Monday eve until 7.30. My Mum mentioned this to him yesterday, because I was at work, and he responded by saying:
* He is more than happy for our D to have dinner and in fact he is happy to pay for EVERYONES meal at my favourite restaurant and he is also very happy to come too, if I would like him to, for either dinner or even just a drink. * Has bought two small presents for our D to give me. * Has said that he will also be buying me a present from him.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.......
Do I accept especially keeping in mind the circumstances? If he was still angry or resentful (feelings and emotions still there) then would he agree to do this. Yet if he was indifferent would he bother buying me a present or paying for dinner.It hurts if it is fully indifference; hen he has truly moved on and has o feelings for me anymore?
I don't want to get my hopes up but I don't want to be walked over either. he is still with OW......
Its hard because if I could think of my perfect birthday dinner it would be at that restaurant, with my H, D and Mum. And if I accept then that's what I will have.
Except the underlying reality of our lives is radically different.
I read you. You do a Good Work here. 
Hey, we have to laugh when we can!