It doesn't "sound" as if your H is in an EA, so maybe you won't have to deal with that. It could be that stress from different areas in life has caught up with him. He could be depressed. People can be depressed and not recognize it. Sounds odd, but if he is not contented in his life and feels unhappy but doesn't know the source, then you would become his primary target b/c you are "there" and it just happens. Like when you have a disease and take it out on the one closest to you. I don't "know" that that is what's going on. I have not been a LBW, but I have had to deal with other issues where I was the one "closest" to the person having problems and it is a miserable place to be. So if this is something similiar with your H, you will have a hard road to travel, but as I said before, you first need to know for sure if you are ready to stick it out and do the work. It won't be easy, but it is very possible to turn this around.
Quote:
Should I mirror what he does...or simply never call him? That's where I get confused.
No, do NOT mirror what he does if it is negative. Your natural feelings will "want" to treat him in whatever manner he's treating you, but if you do that, then a D is certain. I can see where it would be hard for a LBS to grasp. Regarding returning emails, calls, TM's, etc.........don't contact him "first" unless it is a real emergency. Wait for him to contact you. The DR book teaches us to wait a little bit before returning the call. Don't wait so long that he stirs up his wrath, but the point is to appear to be unavailable to his crooked finger beconing to "come". Does that make sense? In my day, the single girls "played hard to get" and mostly faded away when Women's Lib hit the scene. But there was an old expression, "he chased her until she caught him" was very true. She was not so easy for him to get her to date him, and therefore she captured his interest even more. If she had jumped at the chance to go out with him and was hanging all over him, then she would not have been near as attractive and in fact, would have probably turned his interest in her the other direction.
In a way, you are that girl who is wanting to be attractive to him and cause him to chase you. This may really go against the grain, and it may sound as if I'm telling you to play games and not be honest......but that is not it at all. I don't know exactly how to put it into words, but I can tell you that we humans want what we think we can't have. If your H thinks he can't have you, then guess what will happen? He will suddenly become very interested in pursuing you. When you stop become so available, then you become attractive. It is how our nature works.
Almost every LBS that we tell that principle to is afraid to apply it b/c they are scared the WAS will think they are no longer wanting to work in the MR. If you follow the list I gave....and most of all study the DR book, and you "balance" the principles (by understanding how they work) then he will become attracted to you and will not want to leave the M.
You take up for yourself and never allow him to step on you like a doormat. You must have self-respect and show healthy self-esteem. However, do not be baited into an argument or treat him with the same "mood" that he may be showing when he's around the house, etc. Try to keep a PMA and throw yourself into doing things you enjoy. People who are busy and love life are interesting. You want to show that you are having a positive point of view and do not talk in a negative way around him and stay upbeat the best you can. People like being around another person who is energetic and positive. You have to learn to do this without appearing to pursue him. Men hate for their W's to purue them when the man is wanting out of the R. It is his nature to pursue the woman and therefore he needs to get back to that place where he will "want" to do that. Of course, you know not to act clingly or needy by things you say or do.....b/c that is a huge turn-off.
As I said before, I can see where you are feeling a lot of anger and I don't blame you for that. However, in order to make this succeed, you have to get "your" head together and know what you want to do and then start DBing.
Continue to post here b/c that is where your support will come from. Don't talk about him to family or friends. It will hurt your R if you do. Reach out to others here on the board.
BTW, maybe I need to clearify something about the mirroring his behavior....if he has "positive" actions, then I think you should respond warmly to that behavior. Where ML and things like that are concerned, it would be up to you. People have different POV about living under the same roof and having sex. But, the main thing is not trade out bad behavior for more bad behavior. If you see him "trying" to show positive attitude/actions, then I think you should respond in like manner.
I'll check back. If you have any other questions or if I have confused you even more, please let me know.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
