Still using LRT. Having learnt to stay really calm recently has helped me hugely with this. I`m so much more relaxed, can sleep easily, am happier with the kids, and not obsessing about the M all the time.
Have recently being reading a book by Joe Vitale "Zero Limits" and, while I find a lot of it far fetched, its helped me to feel more loving in my detachment by thinking loving thoughts more often "I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you"
Little conversation between us though. H still angry. Questioning me when I had to go home to my parent on Saturday-then telling me to stay at home. I stayed calm though and didn`t cave in to his demands either.Stayed out all day Sunday himself. I`m still doing all the work at home.
But I`m not angry about that. I feel he really needs the space and time for himself. I got the kids to write a father`s day card for him. And last night he actually stayed in the same room as us as we watched a dvd. usually he wouldn`t want to share the same space as me so hey, that`s progress!
you sound good books are so helpful and affirmations really work for me too!! do you watch Joel Olsteen, a pastor on TV he is excellent and his message is living in affirmations and being happy peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
(((((Fallgirl))))) Well done! Being able to sleep better and be more relaxed is going to help you in every part of your life.
And good job on remembering that he doesn't get to control you. It's going to make him angry, though! But in the end, he's going to appreciate it, if he "recovers". A strong woman is way more attractive than one with no sense of self.
Hi Peace! Hadn`t heard of Joel Olsteen but then I`m in Ireland! I badly need that peace though and, out of all of this, I`m begining to learn my role in creating tranquillity for me and for my kids. Don`t know if H is catching it yet though!
He seems to have the need to rock my boat on a weekly basis at any rate. So today was a week from his last bomb("my mother wants us to stay together so I`m not moving out"!). And I knew this pm when he was following me about the house that he was digging for trouble.
Eventually he came out with "How`s the counselling ging for you" I told him how glad I was to have found my current therapist and how I got a lot of peace from it. Wasn`t at all specific about it though.
He said things like"Why did we ever get married""were you ever happy in our marriage" and I handled those questions well, I thought. I kept on working and stayed calm and didn`t go over the top about how great things had been but smiled and said Yes, there were good times.
He said his mother was on the warpath but I told him it was important for him to make his choices and his own decisions not for her or me to interfere. I told him I couldn`t help him feel better or tell him what to do. I said my controlling things was part of what caused problems for us.
He asked if we`re keeping the marriage as a business like arrangement so. I said I wouldn`t make that decision but that I`m taking things just as they come day by day.
I left plenty of silences. Didn`t fill the gap. Just stayed calmly in his presence working. I sympathised with his difficulties, his need for approval from others but didn`t go any further. I told him I was calmer in myself and that that helped me a lot.
He asked if I spoke to the therapist about him. I said of course, that I mentioned all that was going on in my life but I wouldn`t tell him what she said about us/me/him as that was between the therapist and me.
He asked me what my sister thought of him. Well, I wasn`t going to answer that! I lied and said I don`t know. (Well, technically it isn`t a lie because maybe my sis suddenly had a change of heart in the last day or two though I doubt it!)
I don`t think he got any satisfaction from our conversation. I didn`t get angry or blame and that wasn`t even an effort for me. I left the room first. He left later and said he had to `go into town`-his euphemism for disappearing for a couple of hours.
He did nothing in the house this evening. A little more engaged with the kids than heretofore. But that`s it.
But it doesn`t bother me as much as it used to either.
Jeff! Sorry, we just crossed posts! Oh there`s loads of times when I do regret having married-especially when there`s a million other thoughtful guys like yourself around the place! And no I`m not trying flatter you;just a bit peed off sometimes that I`d the bad luck to fall for someone so difficult as H! Damn!
And to add insult to injury I seem to see nothing but very considerate men about these days! And they`re all husbands! Double Damn!
Anyway, at least I`m less ambivalent than I used to be.
And yes, you`re right about H getting more angry the more tranquil I am. Just seems to be really curious about my calm too and is testing it. Was a little less angry this pm but then he wasn`t getting anywhere.
Thank God I`m busy. The kids are fine. I`ve lots of other stuff going on in my life.
And, I`ve two months hols from work from this Friday! Yippee!Hope you enjoy your break! Its this weekend isn`t it?
Yep, my break starts Friday! I am really looking forward to it! Except the end!
You know, at times I've regretted getting married, but I have decided not to regret it. There was lots of good, and I am not going to play the what if game with myself. There's nothing to be gained from it!
There's at least one considerate husband who won't be for long. I expect there are others about, too. If it comes to that.
I hope you get a beautiful summer, and not a cold icky one!
Have that yippee-de-do-dah holiday feeling! Kids are off too so we can all loll about and make fun plans for the next nine weeks!
Dunno if that has H so annoyed yesterday or the fact that his mother called me.But we only had a chance to speak for the briefest of moment yesterday and he just snarled about looking for his credit cards and if I was rooting through his stuff.
Sometimes its hard to stay calm when you`re living with such an a****** but all he wants is for me to explode so I`m not going to do that.
I expect his mother rang him to say all I said to her(very little-but she`s known to embellish facts). He should never have involved her in the first place. My message to her yesterday was to leave H alone, he has to make his own decisions for himself.
Well meaning people usually don't help, do they? He needs patience and time, not someone trying to tell him what to do. And you need as little exposure to the drama as possible!
Oh, here we go again. So we`ve had this over and back then going on since he got an invite to his cousin`s wedding some six weeks ago. Him: Are you going to that wedding?Me: I don`t mind going at all. Whatever you want.
Yes, its tense between us but I knew his mother wanted us both to be there and I was happy enough to put up with that to keep her happy.
So he says last Tuesday. "I don`t want you to go to the wedding" I say "Well, just make up your mind cos a girl needs to know so she can get ready for the day"
I hear no more until I get a call from his Mum yesterday telling me I`m going and looking forward to seeing me there.
And there I am getting the fake tan and nails on tonight and he says"Your not going to this wedding tomorrow" Am I not? I say. Your mum rang yesterday and said I was"
Oh such a mess. He says his mum shouldn`t be interfering(True) and that we`d both be very tense(true) and honestly I`m glad he`s finally called it.
Just so sad that it`s taken him until the last minute to do that(oh and he still has time to change his mind though I won`t go at this point)
And especially sad that he`s making NO progress in improving things between us. He just can`t stand the sight of me. And its hard living with someone like that.
Vent over.
I`m looking forward to tomorrow though. Peace without him!
So H is gone to wedding by the time I return home from town this afternoon. Three hours later I get a txt from him"R U coming to the reception"? WTF? He had told me in no uncertain terms the previous night that I was not to go.
I ignore txts and an hour or so later miss two calls-one from him, one from his Mum(she`s at the wedding too)
I ring her and tell her that he told me not to go and I ask her to pass phone on to him as he won`t answer my call.I did proceed to diverge from the proper DB response and tear strips of him. I`ve just had it with his Blame Game, Anger Game,Lat Minute Game. I`ve had it with his lies. I`ve had it with his lack of co operation in the M, in the home, and with the kids. I tell him all that and tell him the game is over.
Later on he texts "I would love to c u. Wud you come over for a drink later" is he for real? I ring him back and tell him its over. I`ve enough of his lies. For a year he`s activiely hated me in my own home. How can he say he`d love to see me now.He says like might have been a better word. I said hate is the right one.
I just so badly needed to vent and honestly, I have found a year of this and trying every possible way for it to work just too damn sad and hard and lonely.
And the game-you`re giong to the wedding/your not going, I want you/I hate you is too hard to play anymore.
I think all there`s left to talk about is when he`ll move out.
