Is 6 months too late?

[Goodfight]

My husband that suffers from depression left on Nov. 6th and moved in with his father and step-mother. He filed for a no-fault divorce in the middle of Jan. When I got the papers I called him a mess then calmed down waited a couple of hours and called back and told him I will give him what he wants and he had NO clue to what I was talking about. I said the divorce and he said he didn't want it and then changed the subject really quick!!

He stopped taking his meds 3 weeks before he left and I had no clue! Thought he was just stressed due to work etc. He was snapping at me and the kids..little things and then all of a sudden left. Said it was the marriage creating his depression.

His parents do not believe in depression so they agreed. We have been married 13yrs. and they weren't in our lives with his last episode so they have NO clue. He started to take his meds. at the end of Jan. and by the end of Feb. was calling and joking around. That lasted for 2 to 3 weeks then all of a sudden back to the angry husband! Oh, by the way his parents are pushing for the divorce.

Here he admitted to me that he stopped taking the meds again saying he didn't need them and wasn't taking pills the rest of his life. At first I begged and pleaded for him to come home and then I stopped.

I purchased Divorce Busting and trying very hard not to call or anything! This weekend coming he is finally getting his own place, which my counselor said from the beginning if he would just get out of their house and be on his own he will realize what he has done! She counseled him before for his depression but now he refuses any help at all!

Me and my daughter go because we are a mess (she is 12yrs. old). My son from a previous marriage is also very bitter but he is 18 and I can't make him go. He claims he's ok but he's not. This is the only father he knows plus my in-laws and my husband don't bother with him at all since the separtation!

These are people that claim I was the best thing for him (my husband) and that they loved all of us soooo much and not even a phone call to see how we are doing!!!! They know how financially hard it is on me and the kids and also know that I have no other family! Dad passed years ago and mom is sick with brain tumors!! Not only did he leave us but so did they! I love him so much and now I'm in a deep depression and don't know where to turn or what to do!!

Then over his visit with our daughter on the weekend she came home very upset because he had my name (tatoo) removed. She wants him to come home so bad and I told her everything will be ok either way. I don't know why he had to do that or why he would do it! I understand that when depressed he is a very angry person and doesn't think clearly but this pushed me and her over the edge I think.

Then we have a hearing on May 15th because he is in contempt of court for not going to our daughter's counseling appointments and he just drops it!! Well is lawyer does!!! He didn't even go in the room!!! His step-mother did!!! He does not want to even see our daughter now!! This was his baby girl!!! How do we go on from here??? Has anyone out there had their in-laws involved in making the decisions?? I'm so scared right now!! Our family is and has fallen apart!!!

[Phoenixdeux]

Lost,

I know this is hard on both you and your kids, but it doesn't matter who is making your husband's decisions for him. Regardless, you can't control what he does. Basically when I read your post I got the sense that you are just waiting for him to HAVE to come back to you because he hit rock bottom. Does that sound like a recipe for success?

Why are you holding out for so little? You'll take even a shell of his former self? It's kind of telling that you feel you deserve so little. Rather than say, "know what? He doesn't deserve me. I can do better than half a man that doesn't even want to be with his own daughter.", you think about the scenarios that will force him home for lack of anywhere else to turn.

Guess what? You DO deserve more. Focus on making the best life for you and your daughter as though he's just another deadbeat dad. Work on making yourself emotionally and physically whole. Give yourself an attitude adjustment every time you feel like he's some kind of prize to be won. If a friend was trying to set you up with a guy that left his wife and kids, lives with his parents, doesn't take personal responsibility for his own welfare, and doesn't want anything to do with his kids, would you willingly go on that date? If the answer is yes, then you really need to work harder on yourself. He should be winning you back through improving himself. Hold out for that. Don't sit still...move forward. If he doesn't change and grow, then he'll just hold you back anyway. No more feeling sorry for yourself.

[Goodfight]

Thanks Phoenix!

And NO I would not want to go out with that type of guy but you know as well as I do that he is making stuff up to make me look like the bad guy! He has his parents believing things that are NO where true!! So God only knows what he is telling people!!

Also he has moved out on his own 2 weeks ago but parents are still highly involved!!

I just want back the man I fell in love with and the father he was to our daughter!

[Goodfight]

Well, there is still on contact at all!! My H sent our daughter a card for elementary graduation, (June 6) but no phone number or address! Also didn't give her anything for graduation!!

She was upset again because she can't contact him. I know he is only living a few miles away and I do have the address but he doesn't know I know it!!

His Lawyer dropped him, I guess because he made a fool out of her by not following the conditions that he would go to counseling for our daughter, and must have told her he was attending!!!

Is there anyone out there that had a WAH or WAS that was suffering from depression or anyone that could help me out with my sitch????

I hardly get any responses and I don't know why! Do I just give up on the marriage??? Is this normal for him to just push not only me away but our D and his Step-son (that he raised for 13yrs.)?

[The Wifey]

Lost,

You will get more responses by posting to other people. There are only so many posts that show up in the first couple screens at a time, so it can be hard to get people to come to your posts. Posts to others get people to look for you.

Nothing about our sitch's is technically normal. I can't help but think that if his parents are doing what they are that they are a big part of why he is like he is.

My H doesn't technically have depression, although low testosterone can often manifest that way.

It is far too early to decide to give up on your M. You can work on detaching instead. You can't reason with him or beg or bargain to make this all better.

It will take a long time for things to get better, but they can. You can't change him, but you can work on you.

I recommend the Divorce Remedy book more than DB. I also created a post on recommended books. Read, learn, try to relax and focus on your children. They need you the most right now.

[needinghope]

I'm listening. You aren't alone even though you feel like you are. My husband also suffers from depression and is not the man I married right now. I've cried for days and days and I've seen no light at the end of the tunnel. I've felt deep helplessness and thought I couldn't survive another day. But, yesterday was the first day that I haven’t been rendered helpless by the pit in my stomach and my constant anxiety. My dear friend and mentor who deeply loves me and my H said to me that I was a wonderful, talented and unique person and that I am not solely to blame for all of this. It clicked. You see, I focused so much on my hand in all of the problems in our M that I began to believe that I was responsible for most of the disillusionment. That's not even possible. No one person ends a marriage. It takes two to get into the marriage and it takes two to get out of it.

Ultimately, I have decided that I'm not going to wait for my H to make a choice. I'm going to move on. I've spread my things among the entire closet in our bedroom and replaced wedding photos in the house with photos of friends and family. I'm not checking out of our M and I still am working toward reconciliation, but I can no longer live captive to his confusion. I have to believe that I will be ok regardless of what he does.

I don't have children, so I cannot pretend to know how much harder this is for you. But, I work with inner-city teens who live in poverty and all kinds of dysfunction. Many of them are already practicing the patterns set forth by their parents. It saddens me because I know that they will repeat many of their parent's bad choices. But for a few that is not the case. Sometimes I come across teens that suffer the same sociological woes as their peers, but they have been taught to break the patterns that enslave the others. These children have strong adults in their lives. These adults teach them that though they cannot always control their circumstances, they can always control their choices.

I say all of that to you because your daughter needs someone to say it you. Their is something unique about the role of a father in a child's life. It holds a deep and permanent influence. But sometimes the father falters and if unattended the resulting wound stays with the child for life. So, even though this happens, healing can still take place if the mother is up for the challenge. I hope that your H gets well and returns, but you don't have the luxury of waiting to see if that happens. Your daughter is watching you. Show her that you are not a victim or your circumstances. Model for her that a woman can overcome tragedy with strength and grace. Your every action and attitude is writing on the stone tablet of your daughter's worldview. What a great opportunity this can be for you. There are so many teachable moments in this. And, when your husband chooses to finally see you for who you are, you will be able to show him a beautiful and resiliant, confident woman and your daughter will take that into her future. Show her you can move mountains! As Linus said to Charlie Brown, "The sun will come up tomorrow."

[Goodfight]

Wifey,

I did read the books at least twice and I'm trying so hard!! And I'm glad that you can also see what the parents are doing.

I guess he is letting them make his decisions for him, well I kind of knew that about after a month of his leaving!!! Thanks for being there for me, and also thanks for giving me hope that it's not too late to save my marriage!!!

Needinghope,

I did the same things that you did! I packed the clothes (which there was alot that he didn't take) and put them in totes, took down our wedding picture etc. I just need to get to the point that you are at where I will know I will be alright with or without him!!! Maybe it's my age, I get really scared at the thoughts of having to start all over again with dating, etc.

This is my 2nd marriage, first one destroyed because H couldn't say NO to drugs like we teach our children to do!!!

[The Wifey]

Wifey,

I did read the books at least twice and I'm trying so hard!! And I'm glad that you can also see what the parents are doing.

I guess he is letting them make his decisions for him, well I kind of knew that about after a month of his leaving!!! Thanks for being there for me, and also thanks for giving me hope that it's not too late to save my marriage!!!

Needinghope,

I did the same things that you did! I packed the clothes (which there was alot that he didn't take) and put them in totes, took down our wedding picture etc. I just need to get to the point that you are at where I will know I will be alright with or without him!!! Maybe it's my age, I get really scared at the thoughts of having to start all over again with dating, etc.

This is my 2nd marriage, first one destroyed because H couldn't say NO to drugs like we teach our children to do!!!

Ok. Now what I am going to say is going to make you think I'm totally nuts. (And some would agree with that assessment.)

Don't try. Don't work hard at it right now. Sometimes the very best thing to do when you don't know what to do is to do nothing.

Work on you. Do things that make you happy. Take care of YOU. Let his Mommie and Daddie have him right now. They helped make the monster.

Down the road there will be time for you to DO something, but right now nothing you actively do is going to change his course.

Boxing up his stuff is a great idea. There is still a pile of boxes in the basement and our old bed in storage that were done the day he moved out. (Incidentally - My husband lives with his Mommie & Daddy, too.)

The next time my H came to the house after he first left I wasn't home. He left me a note that said we were forever connected and that he hoped I wasn't erased from his life like his was in our house. Sadly, that was 7 months ago, so it is a long process.

[Goodfight]

I don't think you are totally nuts! But then again maybe other people will think we both are now that I don't think you are! LOL

Thanks for letting me know it's ok not to do anything right now because it is really tough! And yes, they did help create the monster he is right now.

I hope you are right about down the road there will be something to change his course. Because he is all grown up now and living on his own for the first time in his life! Went from Dad's to living with Mother, then girlfriend (had 2 children), back to Mother's then married me, and then back to step-witch and daddy's! That's the part the scares me though, he hated to be alone and has never done it, even when depressed! It has been 7 weeks in his own apartment, I guess the evil step-mother that rules the father had enough of someone living with them!!

When I let mine know that he could come for the rest of his stuff (2 weeks after he left), he didn't take everything either! But then about 2 months later he was calling for his summer clothes. I said what the hell? It's January, when spring comes I will go up in the attic and get them for you when I get the rest of the family's clothes out.

Haven't heard a word about clothes, tools, NOTHING since then!

And we were arguing all of the time on the phone before May 15th (the day of the visitation hearing)so he could have brought it up at any time!

And don't get that part either because in the beginning I kept hearing about his grandfather's tools and I told him I would give them to him.

Have you been in touch with yours? How are things looking for your sitch?

[The Wifey]

Have you been in touch with yours? How are things looking for your sitch?

Hmmmm, well, these are some pretty deep questions.

I am in touch with mine. I do my best not to initiate the contact, but we see each other 1-3 times a week, he sends me texts, emails, we are "dating" sometimes.

How are thinks looking? Even deeper. I have no idea. Some days its really positive, some days it stinks right out loud, and some days I would just like to run him over with a truck and leave him on some back country road for the turkey vultures.

This weekend I did some self-reflection and decided to redouble my efforts to detach. Even after a year plus I spin far too easily when he says or does things sometimes. Little contact with me this weekend, and I was fine with it. Family came from out of state and I am busy.

Independence day. Kind of ironic for us LBS's, don't you think?