Should OP know the truth?

[Stillnlove]

Peace,

Hi Sweetie, I hope you don't mind my answering here, but Lingy mentioned she'd read your post and I wanted to check it out and see what others have said. I've combined pieces of your email and your post here for your response.

I want to write a letter to OW and mail it telling her the truth
the destruction she was part of

• the pains we have endured
• the lies we were told
• the nights we spent waiting up till 5 am for WAS to get home (from OW)
• the sleepless night
• the weight loss
• the childrens tears
• our tears
• our familes burdens
• the financial ruin
• years of therapy, reflection on our M, amends to our spouses
• everything we went thru ( in short)

Okay, but understand that everyone has their own version of what is truth.

I would probably do it in such a way as to point out facts not place any blame on either of them

I believe you would, but even so her perception or your MLCer's perception may see it as blameful.
Years ago I wrote a letter to my MIL--she'd said some rude and mean things on multiple occasions and when leaving her house I was sometimes in tears. Before sending it I read the letter to several people, to assure that it was not rude and immature, but well-thought out. My Mom recommended the therapeutic approach--burn it. Personally I hate that approach. My purpose was not self-therapy but to cause a change and that would not happen if my MIL did not read the letter.

Well, I sent it and do not regret my actions. My MIL has never mentioned it to me, but she's also never accused us of lying since. But years later, through my SIL, I learned some of her reactions to the letter. MIL thought it was mean or rude and never showed it to my FIL because she was afraid it would upset him. Instead she called her daughter (other SIL). She destroyed the letter immediately; I don't know if that SIL read the letter or only heard my MIL's perceptions. It seems the letter--her perceptions, not the contents, made the rounds of the siblings; I found out that it was infamous! I still do not regret sending it, but she did not receive or perceive it with anything remotely close to an open mind--okay, I should have expected that, her mind has never been opened.

Not to place Guilt--BUT I believe to shed truth and light--
they can walk away with our H, but let them walk with the full truth of the A and what it created for everyone...not into la la land like it was just all OK and everyone was fine!
I feel like I do not want to close/end this with THEM walking away thinking it was just really OK

Okay, this is a valid motivation. That doesn't mean it will work, but it is understandable.

this is not to get H back or hurt them or break them up, this is for closure
Its a way for me to protect myself, to live in the TRUTH

Is it really? How is it a protection for your Self?

and If OW and I have any future contact, at least I feel I got my truth out and there will be No R

You mean no relationship between you and her, right?

I know DB would say No

Yes, and I want to say no also. But at the same time, I understand.

therapy would say write the letter and don't send it

Therapy has a point. Writing letters and destroying them or simply not sending them doesn't work for me. It avoids the point of the letter. But that is personal.
So why do you want to write it?
Personal therapy?
To change behaviours?

You know that writing such a letter will likely have no impact on her behaviour--unless it is a retaliatory reaction. Oh, it could plant hypnotic seeds that may grow someday, but you may never recognize the connections.

It sounds to me as though your purpose is personal therapy… to live in the TRUTH

I want Her to know the pain I've been thru
maybe now its over and doesn't matter as I really cant see H and I together again
but why does she get to walk away forever in denial…that is not right

Maybe she's not in denial. Maybe she is in denial, but it is irrelevant when the in-fatuation hormones are facilitating her addiction.

maybe I could also state I am working and praying for forgiveness...as that is also truth

If you write the letter, this should definitely be included.

They wont be hearing you because they dont want to hear you. They want to continue to live in their little fantasy world.
You would just be spinning your wheels.

I would not give them the satisfaction of knowing how much damage they did because I think they get off on it.

Do you think that you could be giving the OW your power through this action?
Maybe, maybe not. It depends on her own level of arrogance, true confidence and personal self-worth as well as your own levels of those same things. But it is something to consider.

I would say in time the OP would find out about all the lies on their own and maybe one day will probably have to experience the same pain that we have.

This is true. You can even say this in the letter. But what good will it do you? Yes, it may plant that hypnotic seed. But what is the point if you are not still Standing for your marriage? Hey, I wouldn't want the OW to marry him and live happily ever after either. I would feel joyously vindicated if there was a break up--even many years later. But that reveals my weakness, nit my strength. I will admit to having such a wish and yet it is something which lowers me to their level and for that I pray not only for the OW but for myself. I pray to forgive her. I don't have to like her, but by forgiving I release my Self.

Honestly, the OP will not pay attention to the letter. I'm sure they will think it is a ploy.

A good point. Even if you state in the letter that you do not want to reconcile she may not believe it, or she will believe that you don't want him and also don't want anyone to have him and are thus acting with vengeance.

Some are gold diggers. Many are naive and broken. They are poor risks and are likely to either cheat themselves or be cheated on again.

And what kind is this OW?
What do you know about her?
What was her motivation for having an affair with your MLCer?

• She's young, so maybe she's naïve, lacking enough life experience to know that men who cheat are not reliable in relationships. She may truly think your marriage was bad--due to what he has told her--and that you are a psycho-b*tch. And he is her Knight in Shining Armour.
• Or maybe she's a Narcissist who deliberately preys on married men. Your letter will be a thrill for her; it means you are noticing and this will fuel her power.
• Or maybe she's a Borderline who will stalk and threaten him or you and may become violent. She thinks he's her soul mate and has said she will not give up--ever.
• Or she could be Histrionic. She is beautiful and values herself through her sexuality. She'll F%$* anyone willing. In that case, she'll cheat on your MLCer soon if she's not already cheating on him.
• Even if she's none of these, she could be caught in the hormones of in-fatuation. That's not an excuse, but it is a reality. Her perceptions are impaired and until those hormones wane, she will fight, cling and defend her relationship with your MLCer. It is common for woman to believe that infidelity is not justified in most cases, but there is an exception if they are truly in-love. When caught in the addiction it is almost impossible to believe in the remotest possibility there will be a crash someday.

You would be doing it for yourself..not really to open her eyes or heart about anything.

And it's for that reason, that I believe it would only return to you more negativity.

I don't know if it would turn you to more negativity; you've always had a handle on your Peace. But if it is for your therapy, what is the point of sending it to her if it will have no effect?
Okay, because you know that you've at least had your say and for that the letter must be sent. I get that.

It is so easy for us LBS to blame the OP for more than 50% of the affair and 100% cause of our situation. We want to forget that our beloved spouses are the ones that had a choice in the matter. To me, that gives them (WAS) way more than 50% of the responsibility of the destruction that always follows...if not 100%.

She is right. Both the OW and your MLCer are responsible for choosing to have an affair. The OW had help in destroying your marriage. She may have had more help than she offered. Some OWs pursue while an MLCer tries to resist, but others are themselves pursued by the MLCer. It does not make the sin any less, but a person will view their relationship differently if the MLCer left the LBS before the new relationship started. In our divorce-happy culture many do not consider it infidelity to have an extramarital relationship once separated and that the OW in such a situation is not doing anything wrong if she was not in the picture while he was at home.

As much as it might lighten your load to unburden to the OP what they helped cause, try to remember they already have a pretty good idea...as does your spouse...and at this point in time it doesn't really make much of an impression on them.

So you need to determine your level of need for this. What sort of an impression will it make on you? The best may be if the OW never acknowledges receipt of the letter or says nothing beyond acknowledgment. Then you can leave it to your imagination.
But what if she reacts directly at you. What happens to your fantasy? What if she retaliates? What if she threatens you? What if she taunts you? What if she references your parenting skills and your children?

Will you be able to handle such possibilities? Understand that by sending the letter you are stepping out of fantast and opening a line of communication. She may not use it, but she may and if she does, are you prepared?

We all have our fantasies. We want the OW in jail, dead, naked pictures on billboards, fired, cheated on and hurt… We want out MLCer miserable when not with us, in jail, hurting, icy-hot in his briefs…

We fantasize about hearing remorseful apologies; but such things are beyond our control.
And we fantasize about having our say. Who here has not wanted to give either or both the MLCer and OW a piece of their minds?

Burning a letter or merely fantasizing alone may be therapeutic for some, but I know that doesn't work for me. I have to share my fantasies; otherwise I am not releasing them. I called Lingy or posted so that I share, laugh with everyone else and receive feedback if I needed it.

So write your letter. Then revise it at least twice. Post it here and continue to revise it according to the feedback you receive. Write a kind letter that shows your goal of forgiveness. Continue to revise until you feel satisfied that your voice comes through with Peace and Strength and that your message is clear. Post the revisions throughout the process.

Then ask yourself if that is enough. You may no longer feel the need to send it. And if you still want to send it, go ahead. Everyone else may disagree and cringe. But in the end the choice is yours and whether you feel better or worse; you will not be bashed and abandoned—at least not by me.

Feel free to either email me revisions or simply let me know when you post here and I'll try to check it out along with everyone's suggestions.

HUGS