You are absolutely right - once you are separated, look out for your own financial interests. It should not matter to her whether or not you get a good deal.
It sounds like she is upset not because she is getting a bad deal (hers would be somewhat reduced), but because you would get an even better deal.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I'm feeling angry again this evening. I must have been the ch13 discussions earlier today but I don't know for sure.
Maybe it's just overall realization that this thing is way over and will either start again from square one or not at all.
- separated - Bff moved in (She's taken over that house and W's life - it's scary. W will learn she needs to grow a pair soon.) - Sep finances - Little to no talk or sharing (ie not friends) - She said she might want to date others (but nothing serious) whatever!
Sometimes a little friendliness from her might get my attention for a few days but when I think of the above things it falls flat. Without a real action this way on her part then there is no reason to expect anything but a continuation towards D and my preparations must continue. It brings feelings of anger, sadness, and a desire not have anything to do with her whatsoever.
I've got to sit with my feelings for a while as the zen masters say.
* The moving out thing really bothers me sometimes (here we go again). Yes, I feel like I lost out somehow or got pushed out. On the other had I felt like I needed to get away from her and work on my game. I also didn't want the financial burden of the house. Financially I could be possibly walking away with a clean slate and fresh start - I feel good about that part.
Last edited by orangedog; 06/26/0907:30 AM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Maybe it's just overall realization that this thing is way over and will either start again from square one or not at all.
The Old Relationship is Dead! I know it's hard to accept. It nearly killed me to do it. Once you really really accept that, it is much easier to move forward with your own life like you need to.
Quote:
* The moving out thing really bothers me sometimes (here we go again). Yes, I feel like I lost out somehow or got pushed out. On the other had I felt like I needed to get away from her and work on my game. I also didn't want the financial burden of the house. Financially I could be possibly walking away with a clean slate and fresh start - I feel good about that part.
The fact that you are going to be able to get out of your financial burdens by having done this huge and important. With that one thing in mind you probably did the right thing by moving out.
Make sure you follow through and don't let your W change your mind. Get yourself free financially and then move forward with a new, happy, exciting life. Don't even think about friendiness from your W right now.
She's a big girl and can and will take care of herself.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/26/0901:26 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
It isn't sitting right with me... You leaving your home open to BFF (who I am convinced is the evil enabler, up to no good, and is way too involved in the care of your children,) and then leaving and telling your W to go right in.
Huh?
It's YOUR home. The kids should depart with BFF or your W with you standing at the front door. It isn't open for them to trample in late and whenever and however they like. It is your precious sanctuary. YOUR place. You should be the only one with a key (and maybe a friend or trusted neighbor has a spare.)
They are too comfortable with this situation. You're making it too easy for them to shove you aside and use you.
Your W is "casually dating?" Translation: You are on hold as a "maybe" just in case she can't find any better. Regardless of what you decide YOU want (which I still think you're trying to figure out,) do you want to be a "maybe" for her or any other woman?
Your home should be A) your sanctuary and B) a mystery to them. For now, keep them out.
I mean, for all they know, maybe you don't want them to go in because there is another woman eating breakfast in the dining room - none of their business. I mean, I am not saying to do that (especially with your kids there), but let them wonder.
Especially if your W is dating.
The hand-off is at the curb.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/26/0903:52 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
1. Yeah, in the $ sense leaving the house was a good thing. Now she's stuck with that bear. I get a clean start and a new life.
2. Usually they are just in and out of there but now it's handoff at the door.
3. I agree with Lucky that BFF is evil enabler, up to no good, way too involved with kids, and has taken over W's life. Seriously BFF has taken over W's house; every closet; every cupboard; every knick-knack. Paint colors upstairs. Furniture downstairs. She shows up at soccer games and acts like one of the moms.
Seriously, it's like a syndrome or something. It's way beyond being helpful or being a roommate. It's scary how quickly this woman moved into her life and took over.
I try to have little to do with her. If I could afford more for daycare right now then I would have the kids in their own program on my days (or all days). When school starts I will take care of everything myself.
I don't know how much pull BFF has over W's judgement but I assume quite a bit right now. I'm waiting for W to see the light but the few times I've mentioned BFF, I was met with a angry response about how she's is the best thing in the world and how I have no right to feel that way (uhhh..I can feel anyway I want, thank you). I'm still getting little quips out of nowhere justifying how BFF makes our life better. I just shake my head. I never agree.
BFF makes them clean up. BFF makes them do reading. BFF helps organize my house. These are things W was never good at and now she has someone to do the work.
I'm going to bring it up again and tell her how I don't agree. BFF is helpful but a little too helpful and needs to get her own life. W needs to step up and be the parent. Sometime soon W WILL figure out how this woman is running her life.
3. As for the dating thing, I'm not open to comparison shopping. I've told her I don't like it and I'm not doing it myself. I feel I need to take a stronger stance and just say as long as she says she's dating others then there will be no exchange between us.
--
No wonder I'm angry and don't feel it for her anymore.
Last edited by orangedog; 06/26/0905:46 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Hmmm...I wonder if I should put some of these new rules in an email and send it her way.
I was thinking about writing something about the ch13 yesterday along the lines of, "I know you're not happy about me redoing the ch13 but from all indications there really isn't an 'us' anymore and I need to take care of my needs. No harm intended. It's just business."
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Don't confront your W too much about BFF. Let your W come to that conclusion. She will.
I have a friend EXACTLY like BFF. When I was pregnant and sobbing and miserable, feeling trapped in a loveless M with a baby on the way, abandoned by my H, my "BFF" stepped in and took over my cupboards, my garage, the baby's room and closet... It was so intrusive, but I was too weak with grief and sadness to fight it. Part of me welcomed it, the other part was very uncomfortable. It is NOT normal. My H used to confront me about her and say that she was inappropriately involved, and I would defend her. Because I was so resentful toward him and hurt by him, his words against her did not have much power. (Though, deep inside I knew that I should be HIS best friend rather than hers...)
I eventually broke down against "BFF" because I couldn't stand the control that she was exerting over my entire life and house. My "BFF" really doesn't have much going on in her own life and suffers from some health issues, so it is soothing to her to infiltrate someone else's life rather than sit alone in her own reality.
I know now to keep her at a healthy distance. Your W will figure it out on her own, too, when she gets worn down. I PROMISE.
Blech. Glad my "BFF" days are behind me. (I used to think, "Get out of my a$$!!!")
I can see some of the same dynamics going on in this sitch too. Wife is overcome with sadness and BFF is soothed by infiltrating someone else's life. I'll wait patiently.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
- none of their business. I mean, I am not saying to do that (especially with your kids there), but let them wonder.