I hate my H

[sandi2]

Hopefully I will get time to read all of your thread. I have read your fist post and scanned over some others.

It is a very difficult situation to explain when I have been there myself and yet I don't know exactly how to describe it. Michelle's description of the WAW that is an article here on the board is excellent in wording the symptoms I had. I think some things may be different for men simply b/c of the sexual make-up in every thing we think and do is different.

I had tried as hard as I knew how for many, many years. I needed my H to talk about emotionally issues with me.....intimate issues......something weightier than the topic of "how's the weather tody". That is the kind of person I am. He, on the other hand, never talked and I did not know how to have a MR with a man who did not talk. I was the one who came up with different things to add "spice" to the R, etc. So, I felt as if I were the one who was doing all the work and never saw him putting forth "effort". In his own way, he was, but I could not see it. Over the years we had a lot of family problems with our kids growing up and other issues that most couples have. Time finally took its toll on me. I suffered many years from depression and did not seem to be able to find the right medication that helped. I began to withdraw more and more b/c he would not "talk" so I started spending more time on the computer playing on-line games to pass the time away. I was very lonely and felt as if I had died on the inside. I honestly did not "feel" anything. Another situation happened (too long to tell) that put more and more stress on me and on our R. Anyway, through playing the on-line games, I started responding to the flirtatious chatting and one thing led to another until I was in over my head before I seemed to realize what I was actually doing. At first it seemed harmless and it was fun to think that anyone would want to "flirt" with me. It brought a thrill to know that I must still have a tiny bit of attractiveness that a man would want to flirt. I was prime for a MLC but actually was older than most textbook models for mid-life. It wasn't long until I was having inappropriate conversations with OM on-line and my H discovered it and confronted me and told me to delete the contacts and to stop what I was doing. I kept contact with one man and it led to an EA b/c I was "rebelling" like a teenager. It is a very long story! It took me a long time to get out of that place in my life and if I had not found this board and received the help I did.....it scares me to think where my life would be today.

You and your H are young and he seems much too young to be in a MLC, but those symptoms and the WAS symptoms are very similiar. With stress upon our society the way it is now, more and more M's are experiencing burn-out, emotional divorce, EA's & PA's, etc. more than ever before. Families have too much pressure on them these days. I'm not giving excuses, just expressing an opinion.

I see a lot of anger in your first post and let me say that you have every right to feel like you do. But I want to quickly add that the reason your H feels like he does probably has nothing to do with "who" you are as a person and his wife. (Hope that makes sense) He is the one who is in a bad place emotionally and he's confused and really does not know what he wants. One day he's one way and the next, he's another way. That is how his emotions feel, also. Mine changed by the hour. I was in torment. My H suffered his own "h*ll" as I'm sure you are doing. We all face disappointments and stress in our lives and in R's. At some level, it tends to catch up and hits us so hard it knocks the breath out of us.....if we do not handle it in a health way. I did not handle mine in a healthy way and I wanted to run. I wanted to escape the horrible place I was in and find a "new life" outside of this one. That seemed to be the easiest way of cooping. But, how could I do that without hurting the ones I loved? So, your H doesn't want to bring you pain. I haven't read all the details yet, but if he is having the WAH symptoms, he is miserable and he's wanting to escape his old life and find a better one. Yes, that is unrealistic and that's most of his problem is leaning toward the fantasy instead of dealing with the reality. Do you suspect an EA? If he isn't interested emotionally with OW, he is a prime target. We'll talk more about that later.

The more you read about the symptoms of the WAS, the better you will know what to expect and what steps you need to take. You do need to decide if you are in for the long haul of this R or if you want out b/c you can't be wishy-washy like he is. One of you must have some solid foundation in order for it to work.

I had a list of Do's and Don'ts for the LBS that I had passed around for a while. You are in the same house with him and that gives you a great opportunity to show him how much fun you can be, what a great life the two of you can have together, your wonderful personality, etc. But you cannot "tell" him these things (that's very important to understand), you must show him without words. You show him by doing work on yourself and making any necessary changes. That is not to insult "you", but we all have to make a tune-up job from time to time.

I will try to find my list to post to you and then if you have any questions about it, just fire away. It is kind of long, but it is all taken from Michelle's DR book.

I'll be back.