Why the "LOL"? Is it only natural that once I detach I start enjoying my freedom & get sick of the drama WAS creates? I think this is where I'm at now. H has called everyday on his way home from work - "to see how the kids are doing" - (although he never asks to talk to them). Yesterday he called & didn't leave a message. Normally I'm so happy he called. Now I'm just like - UGH, I don't want to deal with him. Although to keep the momentum going, I think I should be mirroring his actions...so I sent him a text on my way home from going out last night - AT 2:30 AM HIS TIME LOL saying Hey I'll call you tomorrow.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Why the "LOL"? Is it only natural that once I detach I start enjoying my freedom & get sick of the drama WAS creates? I think this is where I'm at now. H has called everyday on his way home from work - "to see how the kids are doing" - (although he never asks to talk to them). Yesterday he called & didn't leave a message. Normally I'm so happy he called. Now I'm just like - UGH, I don't want to deal with him. Although to keep the momentum going, I think I should be mirroring his actions...so I sent him a text on my way home from going out last night - AT 2:30 AM HIS TIME LOL saying Hey I'll call you tomorrow.
Actually, what I meant was to help some of your fellow DB'ers reach where you are on this detachment phase......
Oh yea, once you start dropping the rope, their attention picks up a notch...
I know DBing is solutions based, but does anyone know a WAH/W that has been able to tell us what is going on in their heads during this time.
Hi,
I wanted to tell you that even after I was an almost WAW, I still don't know if I can explain everything that is going on in the head of the S who is in MLC or WAS mode. Do you remember when you were a kid and riding one of those great big merry-go-rounds? At first it is exciting and it brings a thrill, then you notice how things on the outside of it gets very blurred and it is hard to focus on anything. The next think you know is you are getting very dizzy and if you don't get off the ride, you become sick and throwing up on all the innoncent by-standers. So, why would anybody with good sense get on one of those rides?
Maybe that is not a good example, but will talk more later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have wanted to hear from you for awhile, but also know that you are very busy helping others.
At first it is exciting and it brings a thrill
Can you help me understand this? What about it is exciting or thrilling?
I wondered if you could read thru my sitch & let me know your thoughts. The thing that keeps me holding onto my marriage is the contrasts in how H acts vs. what H says. It seems like in most sitches the S leaves shortly after they drop the bomb. Or they talk about leaving or D. H is still in the same house, sleeping in same bed, calls to let me know where he is going, calls to offer to pick dinner for me when he is running out for himself...things like that. He has said things awhile back such as - no matter what happens, we're all going to be ok. When he first dropped the bomb & I asked questions about splitting up - he seemed to have a plan like - I would be able to afford the house, he would still be very involved w/the kids, things like that...
But he has NEVER said the D word. In MC, he said even a month ago he still didn't know what he was going to do. I just keep thinking Why is he still here? Does he know deep down how much is at stake & really wants to make the right decision? Does he really not want to go, but subconsiously is just punishing me for awhile for feeling like I controlled him?
Any suggestions on how to act with him? I have, as you may have read, figured out how to drop the rope just last week.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Hey Hopeful, good for you on the detaching. You will continue to have ups and downs with it, but dont let that throw you, its normal.
Dont 'act' at all with h, just be your wonderful self who has been looking at herself and is working on changes.
Mine stayed in my bed for 7 months after the bomb, stayed in the house for another 14 months. So, who knows that they are thinking?
It took me a very looonggg time to stop myself from trying to figure out what it all meant.
Just keep moving forward. Remember, no expectations, GAL, No relationship talks and continue to work on becoming the person YOU want to be. That is really what this is all about.
Hopefully I will get time to read all of your thread. I have read your fist post and scanned over some others.
It is a very difficult situation to explain when I have been there myself and yet I don't know exactly how to describe it. Michelle's description of the WAW that is an article here on the board is excellent in wording the symptoms I had. I think some things may be different for men simply b/c of the sexual make-up in every thing we think and do is different.
I had tried as hard as I knew how for many, many years. I needed my H to talk about emotionally issues with me.....intimate issues......something weightier than the topic of "how's the weather tody". That is the kind of person I am. He, on the other hand, never talked and I did not know how to have a MR with a man who did not talk. I was the one who came up with different things to add "spice" to the R, etc. So, I felt as if I were the one who was doing all the work and never saw him putting forth "effort". In his own way, he was, but I could not see it. Over the years we had a lot of family problems with our kids growing up and other issues that most couples have. Time finally took its toll on me. I suffered many years from depression and did not seem to be able to find the right medication that helped. I began to withdraw more and more b/c he would not "talk" so I started spending more time on the computer playing on-line games to pass the time away. I was very lonely and felt as if I had died on the inside. I honestly did not "feel" anything. Another situation happened (too long to tell) that put more and more stress on me and on our R. Anyway, through playing the on-line games, I started responding to the flirtatious chatting and one thing led to another until I was in over my head before I seemed to realize what I was actually doing. At first it seemed harmless and it was fun to think that anyone would want to "flirt" with me. It brought a thrill to know that I must still have a tiny bit of attractiveness that a man would want to flirt. I was prime for a MLC but actually was older than most textbook models for mid-life. It wasn't long until I was having inappropriate conversations with OM on-line and my H discovered it and confronted me and told me to delete the contacts and to stop what I was doing. I kept contact with one man and it led to an EA b/c I was "rebelling" like a teenager. It is a very long story! It took me a long time to get out of that place in my life and if I had not found this board and received the help I did.....it scares me to think where my life would be today.
You and your H are young and he seems much too young to be in a MLC, but those symptoms and the WAS symptoms are very similiar. With stress upon our society the way it is now, more and more M's are experiencing burn-out, emotional divorce, EA's & PA's, etc. more than ever before. Families have too much pressure on them these days. I'm not giving excuses, just expressing an opinion.
I see a lot of anger in your first post and let me say that you have every right to feel like you do. But I want to quickly add that the reason your H feels like he does probably has nothing to do with "who" you are as a person and his wife. (Hope that makes sense) He is the one who is in a bad place emotionally and he's confused and really does not know what he wants. One day he's one way and the next, he's another way. That is how his emotions feel, also. Mine changed by the hour. I was in torment. My H suffered his own "h*ll" as I'm sure you are doing. We all face disappointments and stress in our lives and in R's. At some level, it tends to catch up and hits us so hard it knocks the breath out of us.....if we do not handle it in a health way. I did not handle mine in a healthy way and I wanted to run. I wanted to escape the horrible place I was in and find a "new life" outside of this one. That seemed to be the easiest way of cooping. But, how could I do that without hurting the ones I loved? So, your H doesn't want to bring you pain. I haven't read all the details yet, but if he is having the WAH symptoms, he is miserable and he's wanting to escape his old life and find a better one. Yes, that is unrealistic and that's most of his problem is leaning toward the fantasy instead of dealing with the reality. Do you suspect an EA? If he isn't interested emotionally with OW, he is a prime target. We'll talk more about that later.
The more you read about the symptoms of the WAS, the better you will know what to expect and what steps you need to take. You do need to decide if you are in for the long haul of this R or if you want out b/c you can't be wishy-washy like he is. One of you must have some solid foundation in order for it to work.
I had a list of Do's and Don'ts for the LBS that I had passed around for a while. You are in the same house with him and that gives you a great opportunity to show him how much fun you can be, what a great life the two of you can have together, your wonderful personality, etc. But you cannot "tell" him these things (that's very important to understand), you must show him without words. You show him by doing work on yourself and making any necessary changes. That is not to insult "you", but we all have to make a tune-up job from time to time.
I will try to find my list to post to you and then if you have any questions about it, just fire away. It is kind of long, but it is all taken from Michelle's DR book.
I'll be back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The last time my computer crashed, I lost my updated list. I found an old pre-updated one on an old post.
DO’S & DON’TS FOR LBS
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out the good things in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. Don’t act as if you are going to gobble up their “crumbs”(Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. They can’t fix what is wrong. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life as if you’ve had a “wake-up call”. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, go walking, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words but don’t act “hurt” or mad. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! Do not sit up late waiting for him/her to arrive home. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more importantly, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) Do not discuss your plans of self improvement. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. You want them to think that they would be a fool to leave a person as great as you. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. WAS are able to do that easily, so be on your guard and refuse to get into a R talk. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic in showing a PMA, b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Do not go out with other people or flirt with others--in order to cause your spouse to feel jealous. It is best to stay away from places that would encourage temptation with the opposite sex.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
