Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[blindsided1]

Just a quick good morning. I'll post a little later.

[blindsided1]

I'm back. Not much to post. I did have a dream about H last night. It was a sweet dream, we loved each other. It was one of those dreams that you want to hold onto just because it makes you feel good. But, alas, it was just a dream.

K is sick. She has a fever. I'm not sure if it's from teething or her shots or she's just sick. I hate seeing my beautiful baby girl like that and in so much discomfort.

[Startingover2]

Sorry about baby K! We have had some long days and nights lately too because of teeth.

Thanks for the support when I am freaking out. You calm me down.

Hope you are doing good!

[blindsided1]

"Boy, she has him on a leash."

Part of me wants to ask the question.. did he feel like that before?

Yes, I do believe that he felt that way with me, also. However, I didn't feel the need to contact him every 5 min to make sure he was where he said he would be.

He treats you that way because all the women in his life.. bend to his will. By the way.. she (MIL) has been a big part of it.

This is very true. I don't know why we all bend to his will, exactly. It's not like we get anything from it. Maybe it's because we fear what we would get if we don't bend to his will. This makes much more sense. If he is unhappy...he makes EVERYONE unhappy.

"But, it's hard to forgive someone who constantly calls me names and treats me so badly."

No it is not. You do it all the time. It's that heart of yours. One day.. you are gonna forgive him.. and draw a line in the sand. That is what I hope for. Even if I am not posting.

That darn heart of mine....gets me in sticky situations. I am going to forgive him. The more I detach from him, the more I forgive him. I feel as though I am finally drawing the line. Although, I often feel as though I'm using an erasermate to do so.

I miss your posts, FG

[Forrest Gump]

"Yes, I do believe that he felt that way with me, also. However, I didn't feel the need to contact him every 5 min to make sure he was where he said he would be."

It was a somewhat redundant question. As you know people will "act" differently in situations. The outcome of how they "act" can bring them to the same feelings though.. right? So if we look at that.. we find that no matter what the "situation" is he will most likely feel trapped. The only person that can change that is him. Not you.. not her. This is his issue to solve. For the sake of argument we can say she calls him every 5 min's.. you bi*tched at him. You both were/are communicating with him the best way you knew how. He is "reacting" the same way to her that he did to you. He is looking "outside" of his R with her for something also. (The "Fathers day sex") How long will it be before she is wearing your shoes? There is nothing that you can do to change this. Nothing. Stand back and watch with a smile on your face. If anything.. you have to have learned that you need to get to that low point before you seek to change things. Protect what you have with a vengeance.

"This is very true. I don't know why we all bend to his will, exactly. It's not like we get anything from it. Maybe it's because we fear what we would get if we don't bend to his will. This makes much more sense. If he is unhappy...he makes EVERYONE unhappy."

It is the "fixer" in you. I have it too. See me still posting? It is kinda like that old adage that women like the "Bad Boy". In high school you always saw the pretty girl with the "Tool". Everyone knew he was cheating on her. He always talked down to her. She always came back for more though. I was not in the popular crowd. My best friends were.. still are.. but when I look at those that were popular then.. they are hurting in life now. I just found out the other day that the guy that was voted most "everything" in high school committed suicide. The thing that we post about "here" (DB.com) took him from having "everything".. to taking his life. Don't let the "fixer" in you "take your life".

"Although, I often feel as though I'm using an erasermate to do so."

Bending? You forgive.. because you understand. Once you understand.. you don't let it happen again. If you find yourself forgiving over and over again.. for the same thing.. YOU are doing something wrong.

"I miss your posts, FG"

Thanks. I am trying to keep up.

Keep your head up...

And Always..

[S.T. _I Made It!]

"BIL said that he is always like that. He's mean to everyone."

so remember this, it is not all about you. He is being evil because his life sucks and he takes it out on everyone. you just happen to be the easiest person to blame. If he blames it on OW, well then he's admitting he really screwed up. If he blames it on you, then he did the right thing to leave you.

anyways, because of how gracefully you are thru this, I still believe that someday you are going to be that light for him. And I only say this for K's sake. meaning, if you didn't have her, I would say there is no reason for any contact with him, but because of her, he will be in your life forever, and K needs you to facilitate her R with him as she grows up.

because you will always be in HIS life, I believe you can be an impact. It will not be immediate or soon because of this character flaw is so embedded in him. I agree that his mother created a monster, accidently of course, but nonetheless a monster for now. If you do the opposite of what everyone else does to him normally, I believe eventually (and it could be years ) he will gravitate towards you and show you respect and hopefully realize this has always been his problem. But, of course that's just an opinion, only God knows the future.

anyways, your doing good, and the party sounds like it was great!

[blindsided1]

So, yesterday, H texts me that he is going to start taking K every other weekend starting next weekend. I would have preferred that he took her on every Friday, but I can't stop him. So, I just said that sounds great and to have a good weekend. My major concern is that he is not going to give her the care she needs, he'll be neglectful....just worry. She comes home everytime from his house...hungry. And, not just hungry...famished. It's like she hasn't eaten all day. So, it'll be interesting to see how he reacts to only seeing her every two weeks. I know that there is no way I could go two weeks without seeing my daughter.

K still has a fever..most likely due to her vaccinations. But, it's been 3 days, now.

I had a weird dream last night about OW. I dreamt that she worked for UPS (no idea why) and she came to my house to drop off a package and asked me if I hated her. I told her that I did not hate her, but I didn't like her, either. How could I when she helped destroy my family and had an affair with my H. She proceeded to tell me that there is no way she would ever allow that to happen when he becomes her H. She wouldn't stand for him cheating. I told her "it's already happening". Then I told her that I had originally decided not to warn her about him, but that I was going to. I told her to be careful because he will use you, take whatever he can from you and then leave you with absolutely NOTHING.

Not sure where that dream came from. But, there it is.

[blindsided1]

I think I get it. Until he fixes what is broken in himself, he is always going to find himself in the same situation...just on someone elses leash?

I am a fixer. It sucks. I really want to change that in me. I've been reading about co-dependency and narcissism. Very interesting. I really do not want my daughter to grow up with his character flaws. Sometimes I worry that I won't raise her right. But, I am trying to learn as much about raising her "right" and hopefully, it will be enough. I have been the fixer in too many areas of my life. If I have to sacrifice something of myself in order to fix someone elses, I do it way too often. I find that I hardly put myself first. And, then, I resent it. I often felt as though I gave to my H and didn't get anything in return.

Today, out of the blue, I just felt this overwhelming need to feel loved and adored. Then, I realized that I haven't felt that way from my H in a very long time. I can't even remember what it felt like to know he loved me. And, I realized...that is NOT how I want to live the rest of my life....settling for less than I need. He gives less than I need.

[blindsided1]

And, ST... even though it is trying most of the time. I still put my best foot forward and treat him with respect and kindness. But, once again, as I said above, I get nothing in return from my H. It's sad. But, I have K to fill my love tank, right now. I have my family. I have my friends.


But, I gotta tell you. I am dying to have sex. Sorry. I just had to say it. Dying!!!! But, NOT with H. He doesn't even turn me on anymore because it's so creepy now.

He will do to OW what he did to me, he has with me, he probably has with a number of other women...wait, I do know of one other. Who knows how many more there have been.

[Forrest Gump]

"Until he fixes what is broken in himself, he is always going to find himself in the same situation...just on someone elses leash?"

Yes.

"I am a fixer. It sucks. I really want to change that in me."

Not so sure that is a great goal for you to have. I would rather you start to understand it and modify it.

"I have been the fixer in too many areas of my life. If I have to sacrifice something of myself in order to fix someone elses, I do it way too often. I find that I hardly put myself first. And, then, I resent it. I often felt as though I gave to my H and didn't get anything in return."

How do you start to change that?

"Today, out of the blue, I just felt this overwhelming need to feel loved and adored."

Who says you are not?