Yes, the SSM title alone isn't really right for your sitch, because 1x per week is definitely not starved.
You are actually starved for a different type of attention, intimacy, feeling of excitement from feeling his desire for you....but you are actually getting sex far more than many/most on this board. So I can see why your H would be like "whaaa...?" if he knows you are reading SSM.
Its complicated.
Mutual desire, shown with sexual polarity, set against a background of friendship, caring, and connection.
Even trying to state what "it" is in a nutshell makes it sound complicated (and that's just MY "it," each person's will be different, I suspeoct). A year and a half into our SSM recovery, my wife and I are up to a steady frequency of about twice per week with regard to sexual encounters. On the surface, it sounds like "problem solved!" but underneith, we still have much work to do.
I applaud you for coming here and working the problem EARLY in the marriage, before the "infection" spreads and before the two of you have *years* of bad history and old resentments to address. My SSM lasted 20+ years, and the chances of reocvery were truly slim --> your changes are far better.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Thank you so much. I definitely feel lucky that I am working towards identifying the root of my "discontent" which could have, after months / years of festering, worsened significantly. I think H and I have very little sexual resentments to work through ... it honestly just dawned on me that this is part of what has been making me so unhappy lately. Here we GO - going to get through as much of SSM today as possible - and hopefully picking up Passionate Marriage later today.
Lamby - yeah, Lucky is right...I do tend to "know" when a sitch sounds good. I have literally read 1000's of people's stories over the past 5 years on many different relationship message boards, and over time you can weed out who is going to "make it" and who isn't. You see patterns in how people are dealing with their "stuff" and this is how I get clues as to what might happen. Your pattern just shows that you are going to make it in this journey, so I had to give you that pep talk. But just wanted you to know, it is based on my own personal research of 1000's of situations. Its not all just puff and smoke guessing (although some of it is delved from my magic 8 ball...hee hee).
This is something that Luckygirl posted a while back ... and made me really want to discover why I chose my H. I think we're working w/ intimacy problems in my relationship ... definitely.
My patterns might lend insight. Throughout my former relationships, I have consistently chosen the more "sexual" relationships. In college, I dated a guy for 4 years and the sex was HOT like <<<>>> and in hindsight (in order to explain away the lack of hotness in my marriage) I chalked it up to youthful hormones. The other significant relationship I had other than w/ my H was w/ a close friend w/ whom I started a dating relationship for a year and 1/2 and we had sex often and were good friends w/o love. So ... this boils down to that I had a lot of sex but these relationships lacked something and I think that was love and genuine kindness. I also felt INSANE in these relationships. I had no control over my emotions and my responses. I was driven by impulse.
I believe that H is genuinely kind. That is what attracted me to him. I told myself, "I deserve a relationship with a man who is good to me -- really kind and good -- and who loves me." I think I "chose" him because he had never been with anyone else and I know from past TREMENDOUS heartbreak what a sad toll that can take on a person's ability to love. So I chose basically what I viewed as an untainted man. I am also very sane with him. I used to cry all the time in other relationships and was jealous and crazy ... but with H I am a calmer more collected more rational version of myself.
So there's that. There is also the minor detail which is that I am actually potentially VERY sexual and I think I pretend not to be. I am likely some version on the sliding scale of bi-sexual (unexplored and unconfirmed) which causes me to be even more restless with the lack of adequate satisfaction from my one male partner. Is this something that is part of the problem? Maybe not - maybe this is just part of the background of my sexual self.
So I think that these are some of the issues I'm going to have to deal with.
This is the quote (it disappeared from the post): even though I loved him, why did I continue down the path of MARRIAGE rather than just friendship? Drumroll please... He was safe for a girl who was avoiding intimacy.
Well I've gotten through 50 pages of SSM ... and I'm not convinced that is describes our relationship.
I don't know how to assess whether my H is HD or LD. Should I just ask him how many times a week he would ideally like to ML? Should it be a whole conversation? Honestly, although I am potentially HD I probably could "get by" on 1/week if it was goooooooood. It is quality for me, not quantity. I also really think that I need to know that he's doing w/ me and me only. Not w/ porn. I don't want to be the runner up.
Last night, I took out the Passionate Marriage book and read the Table of Contents to H to give him an idea of what the book is about. We're thinking that we will take turns reading each chapter and then discuss. We've formed our own bookclub for 2.
I also asked H, posed as a casual and non-accusatory question,
"If it were up to you, absent all the TV watching we do, how many times a week would you want to ML?"
He says: "Ummm ... I don't know ..."
Me: Well, just an idea?
H: I guess 4.
Me: (In my head: WOAH WAIT A BLEEPING SECOND - 4????) (Now aloud) Is that your real preferred #? You don't have to say 4 just because you think that you should want to ML often.
H: No really - 4.
Me: WOW - I would have said like 2-3 but I would not turn you down for 4.
H: Hmmph. Good to know.
Then we went to sleep.
Bottom line: I think that sex drive might not be the problem. Unless ... I'm the LD. I can't believe it.
I've been married for a year and a half, we have a 9 month old daughter, no As, no separation, no drama ... just infrequent sex (like 1/wk) and only when I initiate. I don't think I even realized until recently that I was the only initiator through our whole relationship including when dating ... It probably was around the time that I confronted my husband about his viewing of porn. I knew that he looks at it and I don't have a problem with it so long as it isn't INSTEAD of having a physical relationship with me. I kind of freaked out in the most calm way possible and told him that I wasn't judging him and I didn't want him to feel ashamed but that I knew that he looks at porn and I wanted to use this opportunity to let him know that I have a sex drive too and that it is important to me and to our relationship that we have sex and that he initiate (at least SOMETIMES). He told me he understood ... etc ... nods ... no explanation. And no change. We've discussed this several times. I sobbed last week trying to explain how important sex is for our relationship.
The more I read about your situation, the more convinced I am that this isn't so much a sex-drive problem (if what he said to you is correct), but a case of your husband being sexually "lazy" and uneducated --> ignorant of the starkly different manners in which men and women approach sexuality.
However, that sexual ignorance must have a cause.
The complete lack of sexual experience on his part, the habitual use of pornography, the total lack of initiation or pursuit of you (failure to engage in The Chase)....all point toward someone who is extremely uncomfortable pursuing physical intimacy on his own. He either regularly escapes to fantasy-land (the porn), or engages only when it is shaken directly in his face. His PE problem also points to anxiety --> either over having to 'perform' or over the intimacy and physical closeness in general.
Don't misunderstand me: I think that the two of you reading PM together is GREAT! Keep at it! But I think that you should *also* pursue seeing a Sex Therapist (together as a couple) in addition to the reading, especially if the reading doesn't start yielding results for you. Education alone may not do it --> there is something deeper there too.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Bagheera - I agree that there is probably something deeper. My husband is the least lazy person you could meet not in terms of physical energy but in terms of commitment to whatever he is doing. He basically does everything he puts his mind to and does it well.
So I think that there are some sexual hangups obviously on both parts. In the past I have relied on my partners to "bring me out" sexually and I think that is part of the reason my other sexual relationships have been gratifying. (We can leave for a later date the possibility that I prefer a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't treat me well but ... oooooph I'm not ready for that can of worms yet if that can does in fact contain those worms).
My husband is a pleaser to the detriment of his own pleasure in life. He will tell people what they want to hear and it isn't out of manipulation. He wants to believe it too. I really think that the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book that Luckygirl has mentioned would be well-suited for H but I have to wait for a time when he tells me / realizes even a little that his "Nice Guy" status is getting in the way of achieving what he wants.
I am going to hold off on the therapy b/c I believe that with some delving and reading H and I can figure this out. Plus therapy isn't cheap. I will keep posting and when it appears that therapy is the next step and I haven't realized it, please don't hesitate to suggest it again.
