Divorce is Hell.....Custody too

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Now that school is out S13 has no reason to come stay at home and with wasband telling him he is old enough to decide where he wants to stay, I haven't barely seen him in months and now not for over a week. One of his 5 turtles here died Wed. I called to tell him. Yesterday we texted back and forth about it, I told him the turtles were his responsibility and soon the other 4 will be dead, he has to bury this one. He said Kiss my ass. Great to hear from your child, huh? I called my lawyer to again push for custody, I have NO rights right now to see my own child AT ALL. Even loser parents get every other weekend. I understand a boy at that age bonds with his father, but what am I, chopped liver?????? I did nothing wrong. His father left me. I stayed home, in our house, caring for it and my family and what do I get for it? At every turn I continue to be seen as the bad guy. It hurts deeply. I didn't want my marriage to end and I certainly did NOT want to lose either of my kids. D9 is still sticking with me. At least the 50% I have her home which is good. Why do I have no rights? Divorce is hell. I just want this to be over and to have my kids and stop hurting. Well, I don't think till the day I die I will ever feel an end to all the pain from D. I even have a new guy in my life but the pain doesn't disappear. Rejection is forever.